Issues with mother in law ruining my relationship

[Kardelen]

So! I have a 18 month old, and I am 5 months into another pregnancy- unplanned.

During My first pregnancy my MIL acted up occasionally, but worst was when I gave birth. I was in hospital for a few days due to complications and both me and my husband was wrecked. MIL had told their extended family, so they kept messaging or calling me and DH constantly, and we just didn’t have the energy to focus on them and explain everything. This is a private thing as well, yet they wanted to know exactly what was happening. Not that it would help us in anyway? Other than causing stress.
so my DH was by my side, not sleeping, and we also got into many arguments due to stress during the stay. He also had a clash with his mum for telling the extended family as our phones were not stopping.
his mum got offended at this, and of course that he’s been with me for the last few days so she got upset. She was not picking up his phone calls, and this was making me even more stressed. She also didn’t pick up when we wanted to give the good news of the baby. As soon as I was discharged a hour later they arrived to see the baby and I could see she was upset and was trying hard not to cry.
she expected me to go around her house the very next day of being discharged from hospital so she could video call her relatives to show the baby to them. I felt bad for her, so did end up going although I was on a lot of meds and suffered from episiotomy, uti, and other complications.
the nightmare continued for weeks, where she started comparing me to her niece who had also given birth similar time to me. I was so upset and didn’t want to hear anything. She had also told my dh that he should visit her without the baby and me.

Then she decided to stay at ours for a few days to ‘ help ‘. Which was more damaging more than anything. She would take the baby away and start changing, Altho I was in the middle of doing so. Or take the baby to the room we allocated to her to play with. Then she would kept telling me to do this and that etc… and even to bake a fresh cream cake as she was craving.

anyway, she has started to act up again. I’m thinking it’s to do with my pregnancy, as it’s coming closer to the end. She blames other things like I don’t let her stay with DS on her own, but last time I did she just put the tv on for him and was on her phone. So I feel that this is an excuse.
now I am worried of what’s awaiting for me, and already feel that it’s affecting me making em nervous. She’s not picking up phone calls or when we visit only does one word answers. Hear from DH siblings that she cries, but she communicates with them so I think she thinks we are the issue. But I can’t seem to understand why?
DH also is getting nervous although he does not admit and is very snappy with me. I try to ignore it but I can’t help it to not secretly cry.

Can you get some relationship counseling and work through this with a professional op? It sounds extremely complicated. All sounds quite enmeshed tbh. Some distance and firm boundaries are definitely needed!

You know what would be easier and cheaper? Telling this God awful woman to butt out and fuck off!! You are far more patient than me. I had similar bizarre behaviour from my in laws when I had my children, they had been fine for a decade (granted overinvested and overinvolved in my husband's life) but they left us alone mostly. Us having kids flicked some weird switch with them. When we had our first child it took a while for her to be born, all was fine in the end though. A week after she arrived his parents sat us down and "told us off" for how we had behaved (during the birth) not updating them throughout labour and only informing them of the arrival over 3 hours later. They said we didn't stop to think about them 🤣 I laughed and said I literally did not have you enter my mind the 24 hours of agony I endured, not even a fleeting moment. A long complicated story from there and 2 more children we no longer speak to them. We tried for a few years but their behaviour was shitty so we drew a line under it.

What exactly is your DH doing to manage this situation? Passively sitting back while his mother makes unreasonable demands and his relatives pester you? His mother's in tears, his wife's in tears. What's he doing? Sitting on his phone waiting for the drama to pass and having a go at you when it doesn't?
There are so many threads where women are clashing while the man in the middle of it all sits there like a limp lettuce acting like its none of his business.
Tell your husband his family are his problem and you need him to sort it so you can concentrate on his children.

Oh god this would be a bloody nightmare for me, she’d have to go right out that door! Don’t turn around now you aren’t welcome anymore! And my husband would have to deal with her! You don’t need this

Poor you, sounds awful. She sounds like she has mh issues.

I'd maybe choose as good a time as possible and speak to your DH with understanding to get him to open up. I do get it's probably the last thing you feel like though as it sounds so difficult and emotions will be running high.

Sigh. This thread is from October so the OP has given birth by now.

I am a gran to two, and never in million years would I impose like this, ever.
The DMI had her chapter as a mum and now its your turn.
When people behave like this then call a mini meeting, tell them how its going to be done as a matter of fact, and that you will include them, but you will need time to bond and be the little family you need in order to later function.
It is a MIL problem, and if your DH or DP is not able or willing to step in and say what needs to be said, then OP you will need to tell MIL that its great she wants to be so involved but taking over because she thinks its for the best, or whatever reason she may throw in for her own purpose, advise her that your lil family needs to bond, and she will be included when it suits you and not her. Thats how it goes.

Hope it went OK for you OP