Hi,
I’ve name changed for this. I’m in a difficult situation and am feeling very torn and all over the place in my head. I would greatly unbiased advice on the situation I’m in please. This will likely be long so please bear with me. If you can’t be bothered to read it, that’s very understandable so here’s the short version: I’m 32 and, after struggling with fertility issues, I’m pregnant for the first time by my ex and I don’t know what to do as I’m worried about being a single parent. This is the long version:
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner on and off for several years. He is caring, optimistic, funny, affectionate and able to be self-aware and reflect. We have a lot in common and generally get along really well. When things are good, they’re incredible, and we’ve had many wonderful times together, even just sitting talking all night. However, there have been numerous problems and a lot of stress. He cheated on me a few times earlier on in the relationship and he has been dishonest at other times about random things. The biggest problem though is that he can get angry, normally always if I express disappointment or challenge him on something. He will either storm off and disappear for ages or he’ll kick off and, on some occasions, he’s said some really nasty things and laid into me while I’ve cried. I know this is not ok at all. It’s a lot worse when he drinks which used to be regularly. I broke up with him last year because he ruined our holiday by getting drunk and being really horrible to me after I expressed disappointment at his lack of effort on my birthday.
In the year that followed, I tried very hard to move on and even had another relationship for a few months with a man who was lovely but I missed my ex so much, even more as time went on. In that year, my ex had a one night stand and now has a child who is a few months old. We recently started seeing other again after a year apart. I know you’re probably reading this and thinking ‘what the f*’. I just can’t seem to help how I feel about him, we have a connection that won’t seem to go away, even though our relationship has been difficult. He seems to have made matured quite a bit and made some positive changes in his life over the past year (including barely drinking anymore) and is trying to be a good father and co-parent but I’m mindful that he is far from perfect and his anger issues are deep rooted and highly unlikely to change. I also don’t trust him or have much faith in him.
The dilemma I have is that I am pregnant by him. I’m 32 and have struggled greatly with my fertility. My ex and I desperately wanted children and tried for years but I never got pregnant. It used to upset me so much, I’ve always been scared I’m infertile. Earlier this year, I had scans and tests and was told that there are problems and I will need to be referred to the fertility clinic and possibly need IVF. Given this, being pregnant is a huge surprise. I know I should be over the moon and in some ways I am but I also feel very torn over what to do.
I’ve wanted a child for many years but obviously the situation with my ex isn’t great. He knows I’m pregnant and is happy, he says he really wants the child and he will support us. However, he’s not great at fulfilling promises and he’s never made any effort to build a career, he drifts from low paid job to low paid job. I’m more concerned about his anger as I wouldn’t want him to kick off in front of our child or to cause me anymore stress. I know he wouldn’t want to either but I don’t know how much control he really has over it. I think he would be a good parent in many ways but our relationship is not stable and, I know if I go through with this pregnancy, I will have to consider that I could well be doing this on my own, though I do think he would co-parent with me relatively well and not be too unreasonable or difficult.
I’ve dreamed of being a mum for years. I feel ready and I’m in a good position. I own my own home and I have a good career. My current job is very stressful but my career would allow me to work more flexible and/or home based jobs if I needed to. I also have supportive family and friends who live nearby and would be able to help me emotionally and practically. His family live nearby and I also think they would be supportive and helpful. It would be a struggle financially in the early years as I’m not entitled to anything other than maternity allowance and child benefit which would nowhere near cover my mortgage and bills but I think I could just about manage. I know he would also need to pay maintenance but that would be minimal due to his earnings and him having another child.
Last week, I felt I should have an abortion as I was worried about being a single parent, particularly about how I would manage financially, how I would juggle it with my career and how I would manage if my ex is unreliable or difficult. I have a tendency to worry and think the worst but I know I do need to be realistic! I spoke to BPAS and they have sent me the pills for a medical abortion. However, I’ve been in floods of tears every day since then at the thought of having an abortion. It feels so wrong to me, especially as I’ve wanted a child for years. I know 32 isn’t old but, given my fertility issues, I have to consider that if I had an abortion now, I might not be able to have children. I know sometimes people meet a new partner and have children quite quickly but there are no guarantees that will happen and it doesn’t leave much time to get to know someone and to try for a baby which, in my case, could take many years and require additional treatment. I don’t want to go down the sperm donor route. The thought of not being able to have children breaks me. I feel really lost and don’t know whether or not I should have an abortion. I’m 8 weeks pregnant so don’t have much longer to think about this.
I would greatly appreciate unbiased opinions on what you would do in my situation, or to hear if you’re been in a similar situation and either kept your child or had an abortion and how you felt about that years down the line. Please be gentle with me as I feel very fragile and tearful. I already know that it was stupid to get back with an ex.