Grumpy men | Mumsnet

Confusedpossibly · 2022-10-21T12:53:13+00:00

interested to know how people deal with grumpy partners? Not grumpy “all” the time, but say work gets on top of someone and they go beetroot face angry about little things, not at you but enough to bring the atmosphere down thank you 🌸

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/10/2022 14:01

"I can see that you're feeling angry. Is there something I can do to help you manage your mood?"

This does a few things: it tells them their mood is visible and is affecting others, it offers support but not a solution, and reminds them that their mood is THEIR responsibility to manage.

I used this technique with DS when he was a moody teen (and still-occasionally-moody adult!) An equal partner should really know not to take their moods out on the family, mind...

ShutYerYapAndGetOnWithIt · 21/10/2022 14:03

I sit and listen
cook his dinner (or suggest a pub meal)
pour him a can of beer

AnImaginaryCat · 21/10/2022 14:06

Wouldn't say that beetroot-faced angry is in the grumpy zone. Grumpy men tend to be more humous than that. Also doesn't involve change management required from those around them.

Dealing with angry is different. It's the person who is angry that needs to manage it. Would you be able to say to them that their anger is negatively affecting everyone. (If you can't then it's a very big problem.)

LovelyChicken · 21/10/2022 14:10

He may not be directing his anger directly at you, but you are tip toeing around and feeling like you need to take responsibility for someone else's emotions. Have you spoken to him about it?

PersonaNonGarter · 21/10/2022 14:12

Grumpy people may be entitled to their grump but they aren’t entitled to the atmosphere. If it’s bringing the room down then tell them in no uncertain terms that if they need to grump they need to go away.

Original poster

Confusedpossibly · 21/10/2022 14:18

This is giving me so much comfort and reassurance these responses, thank you, sometimes it’s nice to just know I’m not going insane or BU, if that makes sense!?

sometimes it’s directed at me:

him: describes work issue

me: (condensed version of what I say) there is always a solution, sounds like you’re working with (colleague name) to deal with it, you’ve always overcome these challenges and I’m sure you’re the first person to go through it / have a nasty client

him: I’m allowed to talk about it though. This is so bad I think I’ll have to leave the company (it’s not at all that bad)

also him: I just need you to support me and don’t make things difficult

I also have a full time high pressure job, I do the majority of the cooking etc yet I recently feel like the cause of problems when I’ve genuinely done everything to try and make life easy when there’s stress at work for him

OP posts:

Original poster

Confusedpossibly · 21/10/2022 14:19

*not the first person

OP posts:

SillyYak · 21/10/2022 14:19

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/10/2022 14:01

"I can see that you're feeling angry. Is there something I can do to help you manage your mood?"

This does a few things: it tells them their mood is visible and is affecting others, it offers support but not a solution, and reminds them that their mood is THEIR responsibility to manage.

I used this technique with DS when he was a moody teen (and still-occasionally-moody adult!) An equal partner should really know not to take their moods out on the family, mind...

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I love this phrase! Next time I’m being grumpy (and it won’t be long before the next time) I’m going to try this on myself while visualising the Microsoft paperclip.

frozendaisy · 21/10/2022 15:20

Honestly I will listen up to a point.

But if it becomes unreasonable (blaming you instead of the real reason/himself) or anger red in the face over, well almost anything really, I would leave them to it. Leave the room, go out, anything they can huff and puff on their own.

NoSquirrels · 21/10/2022 16:30

He doesn’t want you to problem-solve his issue or offer advice, no matter how sensible or pragmatic. He wants to vent and for you to say ‘there-there, that sound terrible.’

What he is hearing instead of practical week-meaning advice on managing the issue is “You’re making a fuss about nothing. This is not important, why are you wound up?”

pictish · 21/10/2022 16:35

Grumpy…or actually quite aggressive?

5128gap · 21/10/2022 16:53

Ime, there is a slow creep of grumpiness that starts late 30s (irritable with the children, moaning about other drivers/useless workmates their boss) and increases in frequency until its pretty much a personality trait.
Enter The Grumpy Old Man, displeased by everything, enraged by anything from the cost of a loaf to a light left on.
The way to deal with this imo is to not let it take hold in the first place. So at the first tendancy shown by your still youngish partner should be shut down very quickly by making it clear that you will not tolerate either his over reactions to minor inconvenience, or him taking out his issues with others on you.
Whatever you do, do not walk on egg shells or reward the bad behaviour with sympathy and understanding. The latter should be given when he behaves pleasantly towards you. Tell him that.
If your partner has reached the age or stage when the grumpiness has become entrenched, its still worth trying to shut it down, as above. But will probably be less successful.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/10/2022 17:31

I cried and said I’m fed up with having my life made miserable by angry men. (History or multiple shitty father figures and then an abusive relationship. This one just got in moods). He felt terrible and worked on changing. I carried on calling it out. Hasn’t been angry for months now.

I think I’m lucky my DP is a self-improver in general.

FrancescaContini · 21/10/2022 17:33

Get divorced. How miserable for everyone to live like this.

frozendaisy · 21/10/2022 18:14

5128gap · 21/10/2022 16:53

Ime, there is a slow creep of grumpiness that starts late 30s (irritable with the children, moaning about other drivers/useless workmates their boss) and increases in frequency until its pretty much a personality trait.
Enter The Grumpy Old Man, displeased by everything, enraged by anything from the cost of a loaf to a light left on.
The way to deal with this imo is to not let it take hold in the first place. So at the first tendancy shown by your still youngish partner should be shut down very quickly by making it clear that you will not tolerate either his over reactions to minor inconvenience, or him taking out his issues with others on you.
Whatever you do, do not walk on egg shells or reward the bad behaviour with sympathy and understanding. The latter should be given when he behaves pleasantly towards you. Tell him that.
If your partner has reached the age or stage when the grumpiness has become entrenched, its still worth trying to shut it down, as above. But will probably be less successful.

It's not up to "the female" to not "let this happen"

It's up to the supposed strong male to strive to be a provider and protector.

Or even better just two human adults muddling along life understanding that life and love isn't some linear existence without bumps along the way.

DatingDinosaur · 21/10/2022 18:16

If I'm in a grump, I'd rather someone just listen. Not all problems require solving. Sometimes just having a good vent/cry/rant/tlc is all that's needed.

5128gap · 21/10/2022 19:22

frozendaisy · 21/10/2022 18:14

It's not up to "the female" to not "let this happen"

It's up to the supposed strong male to strive to be a provider and protector.

Or even better just two human adults muddling along life understanding that life and love isn't some linear existence without bumps along the way.

Show quote history

And its certainly not up to 'the female' to put up with behaviour she finds unacceptable either. How else should she make it stop other than by putting a stop to it?
If a man's need to be the 'provider and protector' is making him bad tempered, unless the woman is his life is reinforcing that by unfair expectations on him, that's his issue to work through, not hers.
I'm all for people accepting the bumps in life when that's reciprocal. But what's being referred to here is a particular type of male behaviour that women and children are disproportionately putting up with.
The more women feel they need to sympathise and 'yes dear' them, the worse it gets.

boredOf · 21/10/2022 19:29

I have some friends who try to offer solutions when sometimes you just want to vent.

EarthSight · 21/10/2022 19:39

If he's easily stressed and always has something to vent about, then I sympathise.

However, the way you've described your actions is not one of strong empathy. Sure, it could be worse. You could give him a verbal kick up the bum and say 'tough tits' (and some people need that), but to outline what I mean -

there is always a solution, sounds like you’re working with (colleague name) to deal with it, you’ve always overcome these challenges and I’m sure you’re the first person to go through it / have a nasty client

This first phrase comes across as you pompously shutting him down followed by minimising his problem by saying he's not the first person to go through it. He knows this. No one is the first person to go through anything, so it's pointing out the obvious and generally doesn't make people feel better. If you had lost your purse/wallet/mobile, or to take a more example, if your pet died, would you honestly feel better if someone told you that 'you weren't the first person' to experience that?? Like honestly, what are they meant to do with that information??

Sure, if they're afraid that they've made a mistake and are afraid of getting into trouble with management over it, or they genuinely think they're alone, then it might be of comfort, but other than that, no. It's just minimising their emotions.

Sometimes, when someone has had a bad day, they just need to vent, they need to feel listened to and they just want someone to say 'I'm sorry to hear that' followed by a hug maybe. That's it.

I’m allowed to talk about it though

Of course he's allowed to talk about it. What he doesn't like is feeling like you are shutting him down, like he's not allowed to talk about what's bothering him.

I recently feel like the cause of problems when I’ve genuinely done everything to try and make life easy when there’s stress at work for him

The things that you think are making life easy for him might not be that perceptable to him, or even apprciated. What he might need is the above response which I've outlined.

I sympathise if you feel exasperated with him though - some people are neurotic and they do get huffy at the smallest things which can make life really miserable.Worse, many people like this show no interest in helping themselves. They almost want to wallow in their own distress.

EarthSight · 21/10/2022 19:41

5128gap · 21/10/2022 16:53

Ime, there is a slow creep of grumpiness that starts late 30s (irritable with the children, moaning about other drivers/useless workmates their boss) and increases in frequency until its pretty much a personality trait.
Enter The Grumpy Old Man, displeased by everything, enraged by anything from the cost of a loaf to a light left on.
The way to deal with this imo is to not let it take hold in the first place. So at the first tendancy shown by your still youngish partner should be shut down very quickly by making it clear that you will not tolerate either his over reactions to minor inconvenience, or him taking out his issues with others on you.
Whatever you do, do not walk on egg shells or reward the bad behaviour with sympathy and understanding. The latter should be given when he behaves pleasantly towards you. Tell him that.
If your partner has reached the age or stage when the grumpiness has become entrenched, its still worth trying to shut it down, as above. But will probably be less successful.

This s worth considering too as an alternative.

WhiteChocMocha · 21/10/2022 19:41

It can be a bit tough at times for sure.

I listen. I might say something loving/ do something for them to make them feel a bit better. Self-despricating/ stupid jokes help if it's not dead serious.

In that moment problem-solving doesn't seem to help. He isn't receptive as he thinks the whole word is plotting against him. I almost pretty much agree with whatever they say and if they say their boss is [enter insult], I agree that they must be.

We would usually have a more balanced conversation about the actual issue the next few days when he is done sulking, and at that point he's no longer quitting and it's not everybody else's fault, and that seems to be the time when he is receptive to/ asks for help with problem-solving.

I notice that for my partner it's important to feel like somebody is in their corner unconditionally - even when they know they're being a bit unreasonable. He does that for me - even when I know I've messed up, he always strongly sides with me and says I've done my best and he supports me whatever I decide. So I kind of mirror that - my objective is to cheer them up first and think of what we can do about the cause later. Treat the symptom first if you like.

He's well aware he can be grumpy/ make an elephant out of a fly, and we can joke about it, as long as the cause of the grump isn't anything really serious.

Original poster

Confusedpossibly · 21/10/2022 20:38

EarthSight · 21/10/2022 19:39

If he's easily stressed and always has something to vent about, then I sympathise.

However, the way you've described your actions is not one of strong empathy. Sure, it could be worse. You could give him a verbal kick up the bum and say 'tough tits' (and some people need that), but to outline what I mean -

there is always a solution, sounds like you’re working with (colleague name) to deal with it, you’ve always overcome these challenges and I’m sure you’re the first person to go through it / have a nasty client

This first phrase comes across as you pompously shutting him down followed by minimising his problem by saying he's not the first person to go through it. He knows this. No one is the first person to go through anything, so it's pointing out the obvious and generally doesn't make people feel better. If you had lost your purse/wallet/mobile, or to take a more example, if your pet died, would you honestly feel better if someone told you that 'you weren't the first person' to experience that?? Like honestly, what are they meant to do with that information??

Sure, if they're afraid that they've made a mistake and are afraid of getting into trouble with management over it, or they genuinely think they're alone, then it might be of comfort, but other than that, no. It's just minimising their emotions.

Sometimes, when someone has had a bad day, they just need to vent, they need to feel listened to and they just want someone to say 'I'm sorry to hear that' followed by a hug maybe. That's it.

I’m allowed to talk about it though

Of course he's allowed to talk about it. What he doesn't like is feeling like you are shutting him down, like he's not allowed to talk about what's bothering him.

I recently feel like the cause of problems when I’ve genuinely done everything to try and make life easy when there’s stress at work for him

The things that you think are making life easy for him might not be that perceptable to him, or even apprciated. What he might need is the above response which I've outlined.

I sympathise if you feel exasperated with him though - some people are neurotic and they do get huffy at the smallest things which can make life really miserable.Worse, many people like this show no interest in helping themselves. They almost want to wallow in their own distress.

Thank you for your response. I had summarised my response to him, I wasn’t that blunt or blasé 😄 but he has been saying he has no idea how said issue with client will be fixed and worried boss wouldn’t either, when in my job I take comfort for the fact that 99% of things have been experienced before, but thanks for the advice and will take it on board

OP posts:

Original poster

Confusedpossibly · 21/10/2022 20:39

WhiteChocMocha · 21/10/2022 19:41

It can be a bit tough at times for sure.

I listen. I might say something loving/ do something for them to make them feel a bit better. Self-despricating/ stupid jokes help if it's not dead serious.

In that moment problem-solving doesn't seem to help. He isn't receptive as he thinks the whole word is plotting against him. I almost pretty much agree with whatever they say and if they say their boss is [enter insult], I agree that they must be.

We would usually have a more balanced conversation about the actual issue the next few days when he is done sulking, and at that point he's no longer quitting and it's not everybody else's fault, and that seems to be the time when he is receptive to/ asks for help with problem-solving.

I notice that for my partner it's important to feel like somebody is in their corner unconditionally - even when they know they're being a bit unreasonable. He does that for me - even when I know I've messed up, he always strongly sides with me and says I've done my best and he supports me whatever I decide. So I kind of mirror that - my objective is to cheer them up first and think of what we can do about the cause later. Treat the symptom first if you like.

He's well aware he can be grumpy/ make an elephant out of a fly, and we can joke about it, as long as the cause of the grump isn't anything really serious.

This is so helpful and very practical, thank you 🌺

OP posts:

WhiteChocMocha · 21/10/2022 21:02

@Confusedpossibly thank you. I realise I can sound a bit StepfordWife-y, but ultimately I've chosen to be with a self-admittedly grumpy bloke and would rather respond in the way that strengthens 'us' at a time when he won't listen to reason. If he hasn't gotten a payrise he deserved or his health issue is bothering him, I don't mind him sulking a bit and at least actually acknowledging his feelings/ letting them out rather than putting on a happy face.

Did like what a PP said about training it out of them - but think at a certain age people can be quite set in their ways/ how they deal with stress, and then it's take it or leave it 😊

Calandor · 21/10/2022 21:16

Confusedpossibly · 21/10/2022 14:18

This is giving me so much comfort and reassurance these responses, thank you, sometimes it’s nice to just know I’m not going insane or BU, if that makes sense!?

sometimes it’s directed at me:

him: describes work issue

me: (condensed version of what I say) there is always a solution, sounds like you’re working with (colleague name) to deal with it, you’ve always overcome these challenges and I’m sure you’re the first person to go through it / have a nasty client

him: I’m allowed to talk about it though. This is so bad I think I’ll have to leave the company (it’s not at all that bad)

also him: I just need you to support me and don’t make things difficult

I also have a full time high pressure job, I do the majority of the cooking etc yet I recently feel like the cause of problems when I’ve genuinely done everything to try and make life easy when there’s stress at work for him

That's really dismissing of you. Just say it sounds shit and must be awful. Then ask does he want to watch a film or go for a pint etc.