To not even get an apology

[HappinesDependsOnYou]

H had an affair. We separated. He has mental health and the OW became a crutch. Turns out she was abusive and I fought so hard to get him help for his health, supported him as a friend as much as I could all whilst he treated me appallingly. He told lies about me to her and lied to my face about contact despite me saying I can only help you if I know the truth. I tried dropping support but then he had no one and we have a child so my primary concern was to keep his dad safe and alive at a cost to me. Now he is recovered from the mental health and due to have therapy on the disastrous situation he caused. He says he wants to work on the marriage. I believe I am checked out. Only reasons I consider entertaining the idea are as follows

• My house hold income would drop by around 40% and that's with me claiming benefits/maintenance. At a time of living crisis this terrifies me
• I would be giving up security if a mortgage to rent somewhere that costs more then my mortgage and offers me less in terms of location/space
• Our child struggles with us not being a family unit and is happiest with the 3 of us together
• I don't want to face Xmas and birthdays without my child on the years his dad would have him
• I don't want my child to have to pay the price in terms of things i can afford and life style I can give due to his parent being a total selfish twat
• My life would continue to revolve around Hs work as he can't do every other weekend for example. He works shifts in emergency services so I cannot give out child stability with seeing their dad and if I were to date it would make it tricky as it would be different per week.

The worst part is now his dad is better I expected an apology and for him to face counselling to deal with why he had an affair (not neccessaruly to fix the marriage just as an acknowledgement to me after so long) but instead I get "I want to apologise but there are no words" he claims he loves me and wants to be with me but his actions or rather lack of speaks volumes. Why did I give so much fight to save him when he cares so little? Why did I have a child with this man and now subject that child to the result of their dad's inability to keep it in his pants?

I own my part in the marriage breakdown prior to the affair but I don't even get an apology for the hurt caused to me and I'm struggling with it. I don't really know what I'm asking for I'm just so angry again that my life and our child's life has been made so much harder due to someone else's actions and that just seems so damn unfair

It could be that the focus of your resentment at the moment is no apology. I suspect this could only be a smokescreen and it goes ( justifiably) much deeper and even if you got that apology you would still feel exactly the same and find another outlet for your feelings. It sounds like you are accepting things are over and would only remain together for practical and financial reasons. You also mention DC, but many people would advise against staying together ' for the kids '. You need time to process everything and then make a decision, but I wouldn't expect an apology would change much.

I think you are both angry.

You justifiably so with him having an affair, and he (this is how he thinks) for supposedly supporting him, ie doing the pick me dance and then when 'winning' deciding to then punish him for his actions.

I don't blame you, you fought to get her away from him and to get him back in line with you untill you were able to find a state of equalibrium and then think about his consequences.

Now you see the paradox in remaining in the marriage.
Financially worse off if you leave but staying will see you facing hurt everyday. These memories are hard if not impossible to wipe away.

The finances are important so it depends how strong you are, to stuff this disloyalty down your throat for the sake of the family unit.

What I will say is if you stay, change your outlook, you need not be a doting wife, the contract and rules have changed, you no longer have a duty of care towards him or a reason to be faithful, unless you still wish to have sex with him, then for his sexual health he needs to be aware.

Have sex with others but be safe and careful, live like housemates, choose single men, if possible open up the relationship and tell him, just as he did but with truth.

If you can't stomach this behaviour, then leave because he's a cheat and cheaters don't ever change. Do you think he has learnt his lesson ? No, in fact they usually become worse as you age.

Good luck, I'm affraid it's a no win for you in this situation, don't you hate them for that, in fact you will probably hate him forever more.
It's a horrible choice.

One women face every day, and the answer is money equates to freedom.

Yes, I reckon I'd leave.

You've been trying to polish a turd. It never works and its not worth it.

Everything you wrote is about him really his bullshit, his needs, his pathetic ness.

I'd like it if you thought about you and what you would like.

And one more thing. Building a house on quicksand is not safe. Better to pull out now and start again fresh. In control. This guy is a poor bet.

Him struggling with his MH and him being an entitled twat aren’t mutually exclusive. Stay if you want but don’t expect gratitude from him or any acknowledgment of the hurt he has caused you. The dynamic of your relationship has changed forever and if you stay, there’s no guarantee that he won’t continue to be an arse.

I wasn't even fighting to get him back to me just back for our child. I never promised him marriage and I never hid how I felt. I'm just floored with how angry I now feel. I never thought ahead to a time when he would be better and I think that's why I'm so angry now. I suspect I've kept some of it pent up in the drive to get the abuser far enough away she could never hurt my child. she tried to get close to them and thankfully his very limited rational thought listened when I begged him to reject her attempts to meet our child. I feel better for venting and feel reassured reading your replies. I am wracked with guilt for our child and that brings doubt and I think I need to stop reading the doom and gloom news on cost of living and think instead of the positives of freedom

Take no guilt, whatever happens or whatever you choose to do, none of this is your fault and you can decide what to do whenever you choose, there is no time limit.

He jepodised your family unity, he destroyed the trust and your ability to hold him in any decent regard.

It is entirely his fault., but yes I agree he has allowed his family to suffer, in time he may understand what he has done but it's no conselation.

You sound young enough to begin again and be loved by a decent man, it is possible you know.