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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The realisation that I'm horrible and stressed

27 replies

Greenginghamdress · 20/10/2022 19:32

Wasn't sure where to post.

I feel so stressed out on a daily basis. I have 1 daughter who is 4, almost 5. I work 4 days a week, a 60 miles round trip each day. I'm often late for work and late home due to traffic. Partner works from home 5 days. We have only 1 car and because I need it for work I do almost all pick ups and drop offs at school . Although we live 10/15 mins walk from school. Daughter has hobbies and there is something on with the in laws every weekend often involves me driving. Partner has his own company and earns pretty good money and gets drunk watching football most weekends as he thinks he deserves it, and asks me to pick him up takeaways etc and is good for nothing the next day.
I have one day off a week and I'm expected to do all housework and he'll assign me jobs or start jobs and tell me to finish them. Today he got all jars out of the cupboards and put them on the kitchen floor and told me I had to clean out the cupboards as he was on a meeting. He then complained I did it wrong and do nothing right.

I do all school admin, DDs baths, bed time etc. He pays bills as he earns a lot more money.
He lords this over me all the time. He has lads holidays planned and regular trips away but I have to almost beg for a night out. He finds fault with everything I do. I can barely open the fridge, put a light on or open a door without him going off at me.

I'm sure my neighbours but think I'm an awful screaming banshee. We argue all the time.i
find it hard to fit everything in and am often seen driving down the road like a maniac as late for something.

My mum friends at DDs hobby today said I looked like I was going to burst into tears. I was stressed over the jar incident today as I had to clean the cupboards and sort the rubbish before pick up.

The doorbell went 3 times tonight and I'm sure my neighbours heard me saying sweet Jesus as they knocked round for a parcel. I then felt terrible as I'm so horrible.

Leaving him not an option for now, how can I cope practically on a more practical level?

We aren't married by the way and won't be having any more children (as I know I couldn't handle it).

OP posts:
Gazelda · 20/10/2022 19:34

OP, this sounds terrible.

Can you say why leaving is not an option? Because you know that is the only long term solution to your unhappiness.

Original poster
Greenginghamdress · 20/10/2022 19:37

@Gazelda Financial , and for my daughter's stability (I know the sounds ridiculous)

OP posts:
SunscreenCentral · 20/10/2022 19:38

You can't live like this.

You're going to have to start planning an exit.
And please - stop driving like that. Things can get very much worse, life-changingly so and very quickly if you have an accident on the roads.

do you have anyone in RL to talk to about what's going on? I'm sorry things are so hard.

Clymene · 20/10/2022 19:44

Please call Women's Aid. You are being abused.

You can call them when you're in the car.

FlowerArranger · 20/10/2022 19:48

Stop driving like a maniac, please.

Forget about the idea of being able to ensure stability for your daughter by staying in this dysfunctional relationship. This will have long term serious consequences for her. You need to leave in order to ensure a calm upbringing for her.

Get your ducks in a row. Do you own your home jointly or do you rent? Can you talk to CAB and find out whether you'd be entitled to UC? I think there are calculators for UC and child maintenance online.

In the meantime, try and go gray rock with your partner and don't respond to his attempts at goading and provoking you so that you lose control and start shouting. Because this is what he is doing - his behaviour is totally deliberate.

FlowerArranger · 20/10/2022 19:51

Another thing: read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online. You'll learn how and why he does what he does.

Original poster
Greenginghamdress · 20/10/2022 19:57

@FlowerArranger Thank you

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/10/2022 20:00

He is being so abusive.

Leave early enough that he is forced to take DD to school he's being ridiculous. Imagine what your DD is absorbing and learning living with a man that abuses her mother.

Violinist64 · 20/10/2022 20:10

He is abusing and bullying you. You know you cannot go on like this. It is not good for your daughter either. Who owns the house? Is there a women’s refuge nearby that you and your daughter could escape to? You are stressed but you are certainly not horrible.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 20/10/2022 20:18

Since you aren’t going to leave him just do the next best thing - lob the jars off his head and the next time he clicks his fingers and demands something tell him to fuck right off.

seriously, you need to grow a pair of balls, set your boundaries, tell him to stop being a lazy prick and set an example of how men and women should treat one another to your daughter!

Newusernameaug · 20/10/2022 20:22

Sorry to be harsh but if you’re shouting so much you think the neighbours can hear them what on earth do you think this must be doing for your daughter???

Please, children just want a happy, safe, peaceful home with love and warmth.
not tip toeing around on egg shells waiting for the next explosion

Alertthecorgis · 20/10/2022 20:24

He’s an arsehole! And deep down you know that. Do you think you at rock bottom is good for your daughter’s stability? And witnessing her mother pushed to breaking point by a selfish, lazy, nasty man. Honestly you’re worth more than this.

Autumninnewyork · 20/10/2022 20:27

Seconding all those who say this situation sounds utterly hideous for both you and your daughter. You’re not doing either of you any favours by staying. Even though you’re unmarried you’d have a claim for child maintenance for your daughter if you leave. Please see a solicitor. In the meantime, he needs to do either drop off or pick up. Insane that you’re doing both when it’s walkable

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/10/2022 20:30

There is no stability for your young DD in a lazy selfish abusive dad and a stressed off her tits screeching mum. Your neighbours must be worried sick for her and someone will start raising concerns soon if they haven’t already.

You do have options. If you choose not to take them don’t pretend you’re doing it for her. No one is grateful for a childhood like this.

Blip · 20/10/2022 20:39

You're horrible?
Your DP is horrible one surely?

ColeensBoot · 20/10/2022 22:56

Cor hes done a number on you alright. Blimey you sound like you are about to snap. And rightly so.
Your home situation sounds awful, because is awful.

I know you think you can't leave. However you really really can.

Keep posting for support here.

Shittytittybangbang · 21/10/2022 00:19

Good heavens! You don’t have to live like that, neither does your child.
I am sitting here considering exactly what I would do if my husband pulled that jar stunt! I appreciate you might feel trapped, but no matter how hard it would be, a life without this man would be so much better.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2022 00:22

Your poor daughter. This isn't stability, it's an abusive, damaging environment for her to live in. This is shaping who she will be for the rest of her life, you simply can't allow this to continue.

ThinkingForEveryone · 21/10/2022 06:21

Why on earth did you clean the cupboards just because he left the jars out?
If my husband had pulled that stunt they would still be on the floor as I work to my schedule, not his.
Oh, and leave the tosser.

Henryhooveredoff · 21/10/2022 06:27

You are in a coercive and controlling relationship OP. Just because there is no physical abuse, doesn't mean its not abusive.

While your partner is treating you like a skivy, your daughter is also learning that mum is a skivy to be treated like shit. And that this is a woman's place in the world, home and relationships.

Weatherwax13 · 21/10/2022 06:42

You sound so miserable. You say you have friends who notice how sad you are. Bloody talk to them, get their support.
See a solicitor. You may find that financially you're entitled to more than you think if you were to divorce.

And please don't think staying is a worthwhile sacrifice for DC. It's quite the opposite.

AgentJohnson · 21/10/2022 07:04

Is this the time of person you want your DD to tie herself to? If not, then why model this dysfunctional relationship for her then? As long as you accept the status quo, it won’t change because the person who benefits from it won’t change.

No one is going to rescue you. Take the first step and start talking to people.

WonderingWanda · 21/10/2022 07:04

You are not the problem here op. Your partner is not pulling his weight and seems to be controlling you. In a normal balanced relationship one person doesn't instruct the other person what to do or give them lists. You are not his staff. If my dh thought a cupboard needed a clean out he would do it himself.

Velvian · 21/10/2022 07:28

@Greenginghamdress 💐 for you.

you do need to leave, there is no stability for your DD while you are living like this.

in the meantime, makes things work better for you. can you spread your 4 days over 5? you would still be able to collect DD from school on your current day off and maybe another day too.

look into breakfast club and after school club.

DP wants have to come out of your planning.

frozendaisy · 21/10/2022 08:41

This is far from stable for your daughter.