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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Miss my ex

2 replies

rmummyofone · 20/10/2022 14:55

I need some help,

In august this year I left my now ex husband of 4 years. We separated initially, for time apart which was much needed as we had counsellors involved and family involved but he simply couldn't take accountability. He'd give me silent treatment and gaslight me, coerce me with religion for sex, coerced me into how I dress job etc. I have reported this to the police and I understand it's probably going to be a while before things get moving with it, and I don't expect it to go to court etc anyway. I couldn't take living there even a day longer I would've gone mad, he'd be out til late I was living the life of a single mother without being single he was cheating getting friendly with co workers, and in the past has been on sites like tinder while I was pregnant with our son.
I stayed as I had little self worth and value & thought he would change. He only got worse the more support I'd try get the more enraged he'd become with me. It was sadistic.

He actually sent someone to post the divorce to my parents house last month. It's been a month. He's tried to get in contact for the child we share (I am happy to make a child care plan and have it signed by a judge etc) he apologised but his apology didn't seem genuine it seemed all he said is "I loved you so much I lost myself in loving you" "take care baby" at the end with a picture of my son me and him on the bottom. "Our story will never end as we share a bond of parenthood with one here and one in heaven" it absolutely broke me. I miss him dearly, but he drained the life out of me. He mentioned "even after I sent the divorce my family were convincing me we can make it work" it hurts he had to have his family convince him of that? As a wife I did more than I could I tolerated so much I became a shell of a person.

I can't rationalise how I feel. I'm muslim, I was never in a relationship before him so have never been through a breakup. I never imagined my life to become this way. I'm 23, my son is 2.5. I can't comprehend why I miss him so much. It's been just over a month since the divorce and almost 3 months no contact.

I know I'm young, I have so much time now to achieve all the things I couldn't while being married to him but my god do I wish he could've just changed.

OP posts:
WhiteChocMocha · 20/10/2022 15:06

It's normal to miss someone you have so much history and a child with, even if they didn't treat you well.

It DOES get better over time.

It doesn't sound like he made you very happy and valued though. Next time you miss him, think about the bad times you had together and his unattractive qualities. Try not to be alone, spend time with your friends/ family to have company and have less time to have thoughts going round your head.

It will get better. Just put proper distance between you 2 first.

rmummyofone · 20/10/2022 17:21

WhiteChocMocha · 20/10/2022 15:06

It's normal to miss someone you have so much history and a child with, even if they didn't treat you well.

It DOES get better over time.

It doesn't sound like he made you very happy and valued though. Next time you miss him, think about the bad times you had together and his unattractive qualities. Try not to be alone, spend time with your friends/ family to have company and have less time to have thoughts going round your head.

It will get better. Just put proper distance between you 2 first.

Thank you so much, I found an old thread of mine that's a post from last year where lots of women told me to get out as they picked up that her was controlling me and coercing me into sex I didn't want.

I haven't been on mumsnet in months since then, crazy to see how that's a reality now.

You're right absolutely need distance, missing the good in him is natural too, just rationalising those thoughts are hard

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