Can I force alcoholic partner to leave?

[Lostmuma]

Hey, I’m looking for some help and advice. I am currently living with a functioning alcoholic. He is the father of my two children but I don’t think we’re in a relationship anymore.
He has had a severe problem with alcohol for around 2 years which has been progressively getting worse and worse.
He drink drives, he goes missing for days on end, he uses cocaine, he spends all our money, he lies, cheats, manipulates. I’m pretty sure he gaslights me too. I have caught him drink driving with our children in his vehicle and so I have had to change my working hours so I am available to pick up my children up from school.
He’s been reported missing with the police before, and he has lost 2 jobs in the space of a month due to his drinking problem.
I suffer from anxiety and this whole situation is slowly taking its toll on me. I have been taking more time off work and I’m scared of losing my job.
I just want him to leave. I want my kids to grow up in a loving, happy home. I don’t want my children to be influenced by his excessive drinking and quite frankly, his careless and stupid behaviour. I want my kids to be safe and I want happiness for myself too.
I have tried to get him the help he needs but he never sticks to it, my mum has allowed him to stay at her house but after a week he’s back home and drinking again. When he walks in from work and I immediately can tell he’s been drinking, he accuses me of causing arguments or imagining things in my head.
We live in a social housing rental. We are both on the tenancy agreement. Do I have the right to tell him to leave? I’ve asked him and he’s refused. I don’t know what else to do.

More red flags here than the Chinese Communist Party Congress.

You need to get this twat out of your life - he is a danger to himself, you and most importantly your children.

Tell him to go - preferably before he starts drinking. If he refuses to leave wait until he is out of the house then take the kids to your Mum's. If she can have Rab C Nesbitt to stay for a week then she will most likely have you while you sort your life out.

I'm sure there are others on here better placed to advise on what your options are but I imagine the local council and social services will help

Do you have a housing officer? If so can you con tact them and ask about your rights regarding the tenancy. ATM you can't get him to leave as he has an equal right to be there. You can also try Shelter for advice.

I have been in a similar situation, my ex partner moved out 7 weeks ago.
I had spoken with a solicitor about getting him to move out, she had mentioned going through the court for an occupation order…You can apply yourself without using a solicitor, I was advised to focus on the abuse and told it would depend on who the judge was on the day as to whether I would get one or not as I didn’t have evidence of the abuse when he was drinking.
I ended up not having to get one as things came to a head one evening when he threatened me and my dd, we left the house and went to stay with my mum. Luckily he saw sense and moved out so that me and the children could stay in the house.
Have you tried reporting him when you know he is drink driving? That might be the wake up call he needs to get sober, although I tried that and nothing was ever done.
Also phoning the police when things get bad at home if he is abusive when drunk, then you will have evidence.
Hope you are ok op.

Unfortunately the only way you can get him to leave is by applying for an occupation order. You can do it yourself but if you can get support from your local domestic abuse service that would really help. Best of luck.

Speak to social services. Ask for help getting your children out.

Call the National Centre for Domestic Violence and ask them about applying for an occupation order. This is an order a court can make if there is domestic abuse, which gives you occupation of the family home and requires him to leave. There must be domestic abuse (it’s unclear whether there is from your post). Even then, courts are not quick to grant occupation orders (unless there is serious physical violence) because they involve making someone homeless. It would help your case if he has somewhere else he could go, other than a family member of yours (since that is inconsistent with there being domestic abuse).

Thanks for all the replies. There is no DV or aggression of any kind, thankfully. I’m finding it really difficult to find anything helpful online as everything links back to violence.
He has family at the other end of the country that he refuses to go down to, his mum lives fairly close with her partner but there is no spare room for him to sleep. My mum is reluctant to take him back there, rightly so, as he will just start drinking as soon as he’s home again.
I feel so trapped. At this point, I feel like I’m going to end up having to move out with my kids and it makes me so sad. We have a lovely home, next door to my sister and close to my children’s school.

Thank you for your reply and I’m so sorry you’ve been through the same.
I am one of the luckier ones and thankfully for me, there is no physical abuse or aggression when he drinks. This does make it very difficult to prove.
I have told the police when I have reported him missing that he will be drink driving, but nothing ever happened. I have put his details and his vehicles details into Crimestoppers, hoping he’ll get caught one day but still nothing.
I have photographs of empty beer cans that he’s hidden around the house, photos of his van filled with empty beer cans, photos of his bank card covered in white powder and have photos of him passed out in his own sick. I have years of text messages between me and him where he admits he has a drinking problem, when he’s begging for money, when he’s not come home etc etc. I have a notebook where I’ve recorded dates and occasions when he’s not come home, he’s spent our rent money, he’s let the children down etc. I just don’t know how useful any of this actually is, if it all.

You don't need to prove anything though. You have a right to change your mind about living with someone and ask them to leave the house.
I can't imagine what your poor children have already witnessed.
Seeing a parent unsteady on their feet or seeing their personality 'changed' or them talking weird stuff is really really frightening for them.
Kids notice everything.

@Seaweed42 thank you for your reply. I’m currently doing the best I can to shelter my kids. I already feel like a useless mother for allowing this to go on for so long but in all honesty, I feel helpless and trapped.
A lot of the times when he’s been drinking, he won’t come home. And when he does come home, the kids are in bed. If he’s rough or hungover, I’ll take my kids out for the day.
I think I’ve stayed in this situation for so long because I’ve wanted to fix him, I want him to be sober so my kids have a healthy relationship with their dad. He’s that irresponsible that I am petrified of him having unsupervised access to the kids, I don’t want them in any danger. And I do not want history repeating itself in 20 years time with my own children.
I know your comment was probably not meant with any Ill intention, I just feel like I need to highlight that my children are my number one priority.

Hi @Lostmuma, I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. You have my empathy, as I had a similar situation with my late husband.

I contacted my housing officer, who together with social services helped have him removed. They considered it as preventing emotional abuse of the children, as no child should see their parent in that state, and they were concerned he may become aggressive at some point.

He also pissed all our money away, which was another reason for his removal. This is financial abuse, and doing this also prevents you being able to care for your children properly.

As this is a recognised form of abuse, it may also help you to contact Women's Aid for further advice.

Wishing you the very best of luck. 💐

Sorry if my comment was hurtful I didn't mean it to be. You are not a useless mother, you are a woman in a tough situation doing her best.
Of course you love your kids and are working very hard behind the scenes to protect and shield them. Being a mother is tough enough without that added burden.
I wish you only the very best and hopefully you'll get the support you need to get free and soon.

@OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet im so sorry for your situation. If you don’t mind me asking, did you have to have evidence to back you up? Did the children have contact with him after he left? It’s all very scary. You’ve given me hope that I can do it.
my partner pays the rent, council tax and utility bills as I only work part time and I pay childcare and I pay for the car also. I’m worried this will be used against me

Sorry to hear that you and your children are in this situation. It must be very overwhelming and it sounds as if your partner’s negative behaviour is significantly impacting on your wellbeing and your children’s. You don’t say how old your children are, but you could inform their school. Also, you can let social services know to demonstrate going forward, that you are safeguarding your children’s welfare. Women’s Aid will be able to support you with practical and legal advice.
Addiction thrives on secrecy, you cannot rescue your partner from his addiction. Only they can make this choice, whilst they have a job, money and a roof over their head they have no incentive to seek recovery.

Speak to your housing officer/neighbourhood manager - your HA or council have a duty of care towards you and will be able to advise you. They will be best-placed to help you sort out resolving the housing situation.

If you know when your partner is likely to be drink or drug driving, please report him to the police, he needs to be stopped. I know it is hard to grass him up, but he could kill someone or himself.

@Lostmuma your accounts will be enough. If social services really wanted evidence, they can arrange hair follicle tests which can will show his history of alcohol abuse.

He had intermittent contact after leaving, although that was only ever about trying to control me through the children, and gave up when he realised it wouldn't work. However, any contact he did have was through a contact centre.

The fact he pays rent etc will in no way go against you, rest assured. Benefits are there to help people in our situation. When my exH left I was already very poorly and unable to work, but it made no difference at all.

Please contact Women's Aid, they were fabulous with me and will be more than happy to help you.

All the best. 💐

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. Definitely speak to your housing officer - that is the very first thing you need to do. Even if it does mean you may have to move and be housed elsewhere, it will still be much better than the situation you are currently in.

If he’s been drinking, drug using, call the police as soon as he leaves the house. You don’t need to give your details just say you’ve seen a drunk / drugged driver at the wheel and give reg number.
Speak to your housing organisation.
And you don’t have to be hit to be abused!! Living with an alcoholic is emotional abuse, mental abuse. I’m sorry to say I don’t think your OH will improve if he won’t accept help from AA or the like. The mix of drink and drugs will have terrible effects on his body ( and his brain)
Good luck, you can do this — his threats of anything he’ll do/ say are empty ( my exh did the same) tho they are scary.