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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Argument

16 replies

stunnedandsad · 19/10/2022 21:42

Tonight I asked my usually lovely boyfriend to leave my house and go back to his. I've never done that before.
He's treated me so well for our whole time (couple of years) and then tonight he'd taken offence at something he'd misconstrued in a message from me and he walked in cross I could tell.
I asked about what was going on because it was obvious he was wound up and he spoke to me like he never had before, not shouting but loud and was speaking over me, I was upset and I think at some point he knew he was wrong but he got defensive and stubborn. He started to say more things and I asked him to leave because I didn't want him to say anything unforgiveable. I said I love you but you can't be like this to me.
So now I'm lying here not knowing whether to message him or wait to see if he messaged me, I am terrified he will end it if I don't if he hasn't mentally already.
Usually even the slightest smallest thing (we don't argue just very rare disagreements usually sorted quickly)
and I can't help but co tact to fix it, I get stomach knots and panic. But tonight im absolutely dazed and shocked and im not really feeling anything.
I live this man and he loves me I know that but this has floored me.

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 19/10/2022 21:45

If he ends it, he wasn't the right one anyway.

stunnedandsad · 19/10/2022 21:52

Yeah I know that really, I'm just worried. We've been in each other's lives forever
My kids adore him (known him forever but relationship only introduced gradually and all that, did it the right way basically). I'm partially terrified for them.
I'm just so disappointed someone so loving could be so cold out of the blue almost

OP posts:
stunnedandsad · 20/10/2022 02:32

Just woke up and still nothing. Been in touch constantly for years, this has never happened before

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Addicted2LoveIsland · 20/10/2022 03:00

It will be ok. He just needs to calm down. If he breaks up with you it's ridiculous. These things happen in relationships - you'll get over it

MissMaple82 · 20/10/2022 03:50

You should never "live for a man", if he leaves over a petty argument then he ain't all you think he is!

Monty27 · 20/10/2022 04:29

Don't do anything. The first thing you need is an apology and a salient explain.
Don't have it OP.

stunnedandsad · 20/10/2022 05:55

@MissMaple82 oh I don't, I live for my kids and me but I took a chance on this and now I feel like I haven't protected myself from getting hurt.

OP posts:
RoachTheHorse · 20/10/2022 06:07

You haven't done anything wrong. In fact it sounds like you've done everything right. at the first sign of something not being right you've asked him for space and to leave and set your boundaries. Doesn't matter if it takes days to show that side or years.

Be gentle with yourself. If it is something genuine that has touched a nerve that you didn't know about he'll talk to you when he's ready. If not, then you've done the right thing

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/10/2022 06:09

One off night in 2 years doesn't mean he's not the man you thought he was or that he's planning on ending it. My relationship is similar and I'd be similarly floored but I'd give him time to communicate whatever was going on before writing it all off. I know it's stressful but be patient and speak to him in person when you can.

stunnedandsad · 20/10/2022 06:13

Thanks. And thanks for no piling on as well.
This is my first relationship after a domestic abuse one and it doesn't take much for my fight or flight to kick in and sometimes im not a reliable judge of if im overreacting or if someone's crossing a line.
The urge to get in touch us strong because im a peacekeeper and I love him, I don't want to be stubborn for no reason. But im scared of shoeing anyone I'll just put up with anything especially after what I've had before.
I feel so sick today

OP posts:
crystalize · 20/10/2022 06:58

You're right by getting in touch first to smooth things over, only gives him the impression yr a pushover and quite needy. No rush op it's only been a night! Leave it a few days. Highly doubt he will end things. When he does get in touch try not to seem so eager. You need to be setting strong boundaries as being in a previous abusive relationship makes you vulnerable to other abuse. Ie, going from a grade 10 to a grade 5... please be on alert to this!

Allthosedays · 20/10/2022 07:01

If you don't usually argue you won't have realised your styles of resolving conflict together, which is different between any 2 people. Both having some time to reflect isn't necessarily silent treatment, the big clue to whether it's worth staying together will be what he does next.
Well done for standing up for yourself.

stunnedandsad · 20/10/2022 07:21

I know one night seems nothing but we are joined happily at the hip usually.
I feel sick at the moment getting ready for school and work, my brain is messing with me 😔

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 20/10/2022 07:23

He might be being like this because he wants to end it, but he’s making you be the one to do it. Don’t get played.

stunnedandsad · 20/10/2022 12:43

Nothing. And I did send a message because I'm a loser Blushnothing emotional or even about what happened just nice and calm.

OP posts:
stunnedandsad · 20/10/2022 16:49

I feel I'm being punished or ghosted. It probably doesn't sound long but this amount of time no contact is unheard of for us

OP posts:
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