Unloved and put down

[Hcn123]

Hi, first time posting anything here…I’m in need of some advice/support really. Met my partner 8 years ago, slow starting relationship due to him not really wanting huge commitment and me having a son from a previous relationship, he wasn’t ready for the family life…fast forward to 2 years ago he moved in and I had a baby girl last year. He’s a very hard man to live with. He’s emotionless. Doesn’t show any emotion at all towards me. I supported him when he was out of work for 4 years and he has recently started working. Now he’s never here which works for me, but then when he is here he is cold towards me. Two nights ago my lo woke up and came into our bed (happens most nights) and I tapped my partner on the back and asked him to move over, his words back ‘you need to sort yourself out, the state of you’. I can’t understand why I got that said to me? I’m certainly not a state and I don’t need to sort myself out. This is on top of many other put downs I receive. I was told how my clothes don’t look nice because I would be in joggers when relaxing at home after work. Be told I’m not adventurous enough. There has been involvement with three other girls, yes a while ago, but still during the relationship. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time he said I looked nice or that he loved me. He doesn’t cuddle me, even touch me. We don’t have a sex life. We’ve been intimate twice since my lo came along and she’s over 1. I feel so low and think I need to leave but I worry what affect it will have on my daughter. My son (from a previous relationship) is fine. He likes my partner although he has very little involvement with him, my son is a teenager so spends a lot of time gaming or out with friends now. Because my partner never swears or raises his voice he doesn’t see how the things he says affect me. I think he’s a bully and I’ve been chipped at too much now. I moved out two months ago and went to my mums for two weeks because I caught a chest infection after having covid, he didn’t help at all with lo and actually woke me up when resting so he could go out. I needed to get away. I spoke with my mum about everything, she couldn’t believe some of the things I told her. It has made me so much stronger so I stick up for myself when he’s horrible and won’t tolerate it but it still gets me down. I don’t know what to do

I feel so low and think I need to leave but I worry what affect it will have on my daughter.

The effect your leaving will have on your daughter is to remove her from the constant proximity of a man who is foul to her mother. If you stay, she will have to witness this. You can already imagine the effect it will have on her. She will be growing up with a man who will either start treating her like he treats you - or he will weaponise his contempt for you by alienating her from you & making her side with him in undermining & dismissing you.

You know what you need to do - for your own sake & your kids. Your son needs to be away from this toxic atmosphere too.

What are the practical steps you need to take re: property, work, money, in order to be free?

You dont need to leave - the waste of space does.

What are your living arrangements, do you rent, own, in your name or joint names etc etc ???

Sorry you’re having to deal with this it is unacceptable. Your post suggests he moved in with you so shouldn’t he be the one to leave? Do you have a mortgage or a tenancy -is it in your name?

Rented and tenancy is in my name. I definitely wouldn’t leave my house I meant leave the relationship, sorry for the misunderstanding

financially I will be fine. I work and have a really supportive family too. I think it’s more me feeling like I will never be good enough. Two failed families, first being due to my partner having an affair with my best friend. Starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me. I try and make the best of myself most days, I take pride in my appearance and home but my kids needs come first so sometimes there’s days where I’m not looking my best. Although even when I do make the effort I wonder at the end of the day why I bothered as I didn’t get noticed or even feel better in myself

I'm so sorry OP. He sounds horrendous.
Kick him out. Your DD shouldn't grow up thinking this is how men treat women. And you shouldn't have to live with a man treating you so badly.
Good luck

Time to kick him out, op. Who cares what you look like or how you dress. He’s a bully, he doesn’t like or respect you, and you deserve so much better.

Oh its not you being not good enough its them (certainly the current partner - not much info on previous) you just need believing in yourself, tough boundaries, good selection process 😁. But anyway sometimes relationships dont work and its nobody's fault. Its okay to walk away if you are not happy, and he is certainly not treating you well.

6 months ago I posted something very similar to you.
My partner was always putting me down, making me feel like shit, eroding my confidence.
Thanks to the (very blunt) responses I got on here, I ended the relationship.
It's not been easy, I still miss him occasionally, but I don't miss the constant criticism and bullying.
Get rid of your bloke ...he sounds awful.
Sending love xx

Leave him. Staying would be far worse on your daughter than staying. She's very young now but staying could cause her life-long issues. His comments will also affect your other children, even if it's not evident now. Not to mention - you deserve so much better.

It sounds like you are in a good position financially, make the most of it and get your freedom and self confidence back.

I guess I have just lived in hope that one day he will realise my worth but I don't think that day is coming. I'm not innocent, I say things to hurt him but it's always a reaction to his negativity. It doesn't matter what I say because nothing affects him. He really is heartless. I suppose I don't want to accept the harsh reality that he really doesn't love me

Just get him out, you will have a worse effect on your kid modelling this type of relationship to her.

Out of work for ….FOUR years ……that’s a deal breaker on its own without the other truly nasty behaviour, he is just horrible.

I ended up being cruel to my ex partner because he was cruel to me...but I'm not like that, I hated that I was doing it.
I'm not cruel to anyone else, I felt like I was turning into a different person when I was with him.
It doesn't sound like he loves you anymore...but you will find someone that does xx

Yes, I agree with every other poster, time to boot him out op. It’s great your mum is supporting you so, with her support, gather your strength and get rid. He is eroding any self esteem you have. Show yourself the kindness he is incapable of doing.
Good luck, there’s better days ahead.

You sound committed to the idea of being in a relationship and have clung to this for dear life with ...

• a man who didn't want anything serious,
• with no job for 4 years,
• who cheated on you with many other women,
• and who is mean to you.

Being single really isn't worse than being coupled up with someone like that!

You've done it once already so you know you have the strength to split up and live by yourself. Who can support you? Start telling friends/work/family.

I'm not worried about being single, I have done it before and can do it again. I do the majority of parenting anyway. I just feel low and o suppose love in hope that maybe he does love me and maybe he'll be day he will understand what he's doing and how he's treating me isn't acceptable but how long do you wait?! It's been 8 years. I am no angel so please don't see me as a victim. I'm very good at defending myself and am very strong to the words but that doesn't stop them getting in and affecting how I feel. I just get angry and because I shout and swear when he's not very nice I'm the bad one where he says derogatory things but calmly, I think

‘How long do you wait?!’
At the very first sign you were incompatible, after year one of him being unemployed, or after the first time he cheated on you, after the first insult. Any one of those times would be the time to discard the loser. Choosing a decade of this farce is just awful.

Hopefully you have parenting strategies in place for the future, so your daughter won’t allow a man to treat her so poorly, ever.

I'm not worried about being single, I have done it before and can do it again. I do the majority of parenting anyway.
You know what you have to do, You just need to be strong & do it.

I just feel low and o suppose love in hope that maybe he does love me and maybe he'll be day he will understand what he's doing and how he's treating me isn't acceptable
He won't. So stop waiting.
It's common to crave some kind of breakthrough, or imagine there is some magic form of words that will finally get through to one's dysfunctional partner, & they will see the light. All that happens from this is that you become increasingly frustrated, disillusioned, & caught up in the sunk cost fallacy.

but how long do you wait?! It's been 8 years.
You've waited 8 years, That's long enough. Do it now.

I am no angel so please don't see me as a victim. I'm very good at defending myself and am very strong to the words but that doesn't stop them getting in and affecting how I feel. I just get angry and because I shout and swear when he's not very nice I'm the bad one where he says derogatory things but calmly, I think
Look - women in abusive relationships are immensely strong, resourceful, & resilient. They have to be, to manage & mitigate the behaviour of their abusers.
But you are caught in a trap where all your strength is being wasted on propping up this man, armouring yourself against his verbal abuse, & trying to protect your DC from the worst of his moods.
But the only way you can protect them is by finishing with this horrible man.
Imagine how much energy you will have when you are no longer being let down, berated, used & manipulated.

Now do it!

Hi im Matt 32, feel free to chat, ive recently split with my Gf so bit lonely lately and sometimes a chat can lift the mood when feeling a bit low.
Im open honest guy, ask me anything.
I'll be here if you feel then need. 😊

Tell him to pack his bags and fuck off. Problem solved. He's a classic cock lodger bumming off you but he does t want you.
Chuck him out. Or pack his bags for him and change the locks.
If he plays up call the police and have him removed.

I finally done it! He has moved out! Took me a while to pluck up the courage, It's incredibly hard but I'm getting through! My home is more relaxed and although I get sad I am doing better than I thought I would. My children are happy and healthy and that's what I'm focusing on. Thanks for the advice! Onwards and upwards now xx

Hcn

Glad to read he has gone; now DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN!!.

Would urge you to look at the Freedom Programme; this is for people who have been in abusive relationships and this could help you no end. Your own recovery from his abuses of you (and in turn your DC) starts now.

Trust me the effect on your daughter will be far worse if you stay. This guy is just making you miserable. There isn’t a single plus point about him is there

Kick the horrible cocklodging bastard out.

You may find it helpful to do counselling or the Freedom Programme, to find out why you are drawn to these sort of men so you can avoid it happening again.