I cant believe he just said this…

[Amyireland1]

But I did say something first so..
not threatening tho!

”your going to make me hit you”

im dumbfounded

I know it was a heat of the moment thing

@OperaStation yes
i did kinda shout it / snap at him
we were supposed to be having a couple drinks and eating later but he walked in on me eating some of my kids left overs (im not fat & was starving having been in work) so he said “erm wat r u doing,why r u eating” I said “its nice”
so he carried on saying “i though we were having a drink first what r u doing eating now”

• so i said “who r u” i was irritated and snapped this yes

Normal men don't react with a threat of violence.

if this is the first issue ever of this type I’d talk to him once calmer. Explain he is responsible for his own actions and nobody can make him hit anyone. I’d also consider reporting the threat to the police and his parents and closest friends very factually.

That seems out of character if you gave been together 19 years with no incidents. How odd

It might be helpful to talk this through with a professional IRL. I wonder if your relationship has been peaceful thus far, because you've been toeing the line and doing what he wanted aka being controlled

Please leave. Especially if you have kids. I know it must be so hard after 19 years of thinking you know someone. As pp with lived experience said though, once gone you might look back and see other warning signs that you have glossed over for now.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

No. I have been married 29 years. I have NEVER considered or said I would hit my wife. That is a MAJOR red flag, I am sorry....

None of this justifies his reaction. He's controlling. It doesn't matter why you were eating leftovers. If you'd changed your mind about the plans you'd previously made and were going to cook a huge meal, that still doesn't give him the right to act as he did. It wouldn't be justified if you were fat, or binge eating, or any other reason. It's just not ok to threaten someone like that.

If he doesn't like the way you behave he's free to talk about it in a respectful manner and ask you to change and he's free to divorce you if you don't. Which is not to say you should change, but sometimes people have a point when they ask their partner to change. I mean, you'd like it if he wasn't controlling wouldn't you? That's not an unreasonable ask (although it'll never happen so don't bother just save yourself the heart ache and leave). Him wanting you to not stand up for yourself when he's being disrespectful towards you is not a reasonable ask.

Leave asap.
This is a massive warning sign of things to come.

He wouldn’t talk about it just got shouty
said he obviously didn’t mean it hes never do it just said it because i was snappy and i used to be nice

It wasn't just that comment that bothers me. Why is he telling you what and when you can eat? Does he do this a lot?
You were right to snap, I'd have told him to fuck off.
Women don't make men hit them.
What a cock.

If he thinks snappy is a problem, why does he think what he said was ok? Surely suggesting to someone that you're going to hit them is as snappy as it gets?

What's he usually like when you disagree with him? Respectful?

It’s because we’l planned on a drink where we eat after a few drinks so he walked in and seen me eating
I snapped because he was going on an on
i was still going to have a drink i was just starving
he has in the past commented on things for eg “ another cup of tea” hes said in the past
or me giving the kids fruit as supper because its sugary

No @Amyireland1

replied @Watchkeys

He thinks his oppinon is fact
those are actually my sons words

replied @Imafirework

Sorry, you haven't actually told us if he's generally respectful and caring, even if you disagree with him, and if not, what he's like?

@Watchkeys he’s neither really
well this morning he was 😏

Is he your children’s father? How old are they?

So he’s generally an abusive arsehole and you’ve spent nineteen years walking on eggshells around him.

i would absolutely make plans to leave. He will hit you. He’s told you he will.

Yea @PotentiallyPolly

10 & 5

Ducks ........slowly does it.

Don't ignore this.
You'll regret it.

Policed what you were eating.
Threatened you.
Wants you 'nice' - Translation compliant.

Gaslighting OP. It's emotional abuse.

Won't talk about it is shutting you down, shouting over you is shutting you down and also intimidating you.

It's not ok to threaten you, which is what he's saying, that it's ok because it was "only" a threat, that's minimising his behaviour.

Blaming you, saying it's your fault for xyz. He said you're snappy and implied you're horrible but he could have said anything. That's just the stick he's chosen to beat you with this time.

Projecting, accusing you of the very same thing he's doing. He's the horrible one who is snapping at you, for daring to have an opinion on how you live your own life.

It's gaslighting, it's not your fault. How can his behaviour possibly be your fault? He's a human being with a brain and autonomy. He chose to do/say what he did. Nobody else was in control of his actions.

Get out OP, it won't get better. It will get worse and as a result you'll become a shell of the person you used to be.

Thank you so much @EleanorLucyG this i have read and re read
I know it is all true i will take this advice I know what I need to do

You're welcome @Amyireland1 . Good luck 🍀