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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh not engaging with his family, sees his parents but never with me

7 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 19/10/2022 17:13

Just musing really. My dh never takes initiative to contact or see anyone in his family. I see my sister and mum.and by default he does too as he is there at the same time.

Dh has never been close to anyone in his family and decades later after thinking it was them, I can see its him. He makes zero effort.

His dad and step mum invite him away abroad every year and pay for him to meet up in Europe. They are all big drinkers and get pissed up. They did pay for me to go years ago, but dh told me after the event he didn't invite me because I needed to look after the kids.

But now as time has passed I haven't seen his dad for over five years. I see his mum as SHE makes the effort.

I'm wondering what do I do if he dad gets ill? Do I trot myself on duty? I don't know him anymore. Its been so long of no contact, I would feel like a spare part now around them. Like families that just see each other for wedding and funerals. Our youngest is 8 and doesn't know fil, I keep asking dh to take her to see him but he doesn't.

Families are weird. Just thinking what would happen if fil got ill or God forbid died. I'd be like Maris in Frasier that everyone knows exists but never sees.

OP posts:
Baileysoncereal · 19/10/2022 17:16

I don’t know but if he’s your DH I’d say that makes them your family too and you can also make the effort? Or make it instead of him if it’s important to you.

i did push DH to make more effort with his, before realising he was right and they were awful and there was a reason he hadn’t been. I’d somehow missed it for years since I hadn’t spent any prolonged time with them.
surely you trust your DHs judge of character? And if it’s only them he doesn’t make an effort with maybe there is a reason.

Cranarc · 19/10/2022 17:19

Have you asked DH why he rarely sees them and never includes you?

IncessantNameChanger · 19/10/2022 17:24

Dh doesn't make an effort with anyone tbh. His mum and dad are divorced and he just ignores his mum ( she is overbearing and rude tbh) but he is happy to spend time with dad and step mum, just not with us and them. Just popped into my head today that his uncle is 85, I haven't seen him in 18 years so if dh went to his funeral, I wouldn't go. Its been to long without contact and his dad and step mum are going to same way. If dh can go on holiday with them for a week I don't think they can be toxic towards him?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 17:28

His dad and step mum invite him away abroad every year and pay for him to meet up in Europe. They are all big drinkers and get pissed up. They did pay for me to go years ago, but dh told me after the event he didn't invite me because I needed to look after the kids.

Why are you focusing on what this means about your relationship with your inlaws, instead of what it says about your husband's contemptuous treatment of you as his household appliance?

KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 17:29

Dh doesn't make an effort with anyone tbh.
Including you, OP?

IncessantNameChanger · 19/10/2022 17:29

Cranarc · 19/10/2022 17:19

Have you asked DH why he rarely sees them and never includes you?

Yes, I can't go on their yearly holiday because of the kids.

I ask if he will arrange for us all to meet up, but he says he go no reply or he will get around to it. I asked over 8 months ago. So I'm presuming dh doesn't want to? He is hardly going to admit that. My two teenage kids have recently started direct contact with fil over WhatsApp with no previous relationship and seem to be getting on great with him..but the little two are too young to inittheir own relationship. I don't have any relationship with fil and never have. I'm wondering if dh keeps us / at arms length? Thought it was always because fil was disinterested but now I'm thinking it's dhs choice?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 19/10/2022 19:23

Why does it matter, really. Your FIL lives in another counties and hasn’t bothered to keep in contact with his grandkids. His relationship with his son is a once/year sort of thing.
Who cares, life is too short.
If he gets ill - his wife will be on point. It’s not on you and really has nothing to do with you.

I’d live my life and focus on my own family. Unless for some reason you resent your H going away annually. In that case - you are completely in your right to also have a break and go away and leave your H in charge of the kids.

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