Hello my first time here so sorry if something wont be according to rules, haha. Also it will be little bit longer I guess, so sorry.
So I have girlfriend for 6years almost, but the things are getting very bad lately... its just so many things I just dont even know where to start or what should I write so I will just write about today/this month.. we were at one event which was taking place at her city together with her friends. Everyone was drunk and had a good time but then somehow almost everyone got separated and we couldnt find each other. So I went for pizza and I felt lonely, because of things that happened past months, that she is not even missing me or doesnt care about me that I am not there with them as I guesed that they are together after this 30min. But i met my friend with his GF so I stayed with them and then after couple of more minutes she sent me a message that "wow, you are really a scum" to which I replied with "?" and got a reply "fuck you" to which I send another "?" and a photo with my friend and said "thank you I am glad btw. that everyone is looking for mé just not my GF.." she was even more bad towards me and replied that I should leave her alone and stop replying. So I did. Then I finally found her friends and the boyfriend of one of her girlf friend was asking me what happened and I told him and he told me that they cant find her but she was here crying etc., etc.,
So immediately I knew that it is only a misunderstanding, she was thinking I am with her friends and dont care about her and vice versa. Then we found her I run towards her "omg here are you my love" but she stared to push me and swearing at me even more to the point that security guy cane and was thinking that I am some kind of pervert and abusive towards her even tho it was opposite and I was just trying to hold her and explain.. there is more,basically she was like that whole night and complained then that I rather ignored her and enjoyed the event,but fast forward to 3 days ago...
She was and still is mad because 3 days ago I looked at another girl in the gym too many times. I was angry at her that we need to go through this again, because we had this argument just soooo many times, but this time while I was waiting in the car in front of the gym for her to finish I realized that yes it was and it is bad and I understood how she must feel. So when she came to the car I said sorry I understand how you feel and that it was bad etc., but she was still obviously mad and pissed at me and we had an "argument" ,more like monologue from my side as she was quiet, also about things from that event. We came home I grabed her told her again sorry etc. etc. but she was just like ... bad towards me? That she will never sleep with me again and things like that... Basically insulting me in this way? Or that I am unatractive because week ago I said this one thing as a joke which Charlie tells Alan in two and a half man, "every man wants to be you and every woman with you" when we were on a date and someone was looking at me... and I got mad so I took a shower and went to bed as I was working next day and she was ofcourse sleeping on a couch as she always does when we argue..idk why..fast forward to today
We were not talking for 3 days, I went for private welness yesterdays which I bought for us but she refused to go anywhete with me.. so I went alone and today whe she came from the gym I tried to talk to her but it was an heated argument again so I went to close the window and the handle broke off and stayed in my hand... ofc she is blaming me that i am aggresive even tho I was closing it normally.. nevertheless after argument not going anywhere and getting physical I went to bedroom where after approx. 40min. she came and starts blaming me for the waste bin not functioning, I said I ordered new one, and about that window handle to which I replied that it is not my fault, it sinply broke as we are in rented appartement which have some years behind it.. I replied calmly but she was just again this toxic ye ye sure you were aggresive and that why it broke and she closed the door.. I went to her and explained again but I noticed that she have a phone on her waist and immediately I realized that she is recording the audio and thats why she Basically came to provoke me(not a first time).. so I pointed that out and grabbed her phone to which she replied that she is not recording and grabbed and pulled my hair.. I ofc got aggrrsive as it hurted me and when she got that reaction from me she was like " yes yes I am recording " and things just got really bad... holding each other neck, pushing, etc......when she bite into my finger thats when I slapped her and suddenly it was all quiet...
you know before that I was trying to also Express my emotions which are boiling inside of me for this whole month, I cried because its just so much, as she still didnt apologized for her behavior on that event and always have some excuse why not to say sorry but she just seems not to really care?
Fuk she even cried last week when I told her to fuk off as I couldnt take her jealousy over our colleague anymore. All because she bought a new car and got a good deal on it and I like the car so I started thinking about byuing us the same as we need new one.. and after 20min. I went for toilet and noticed her crying so I went to her and spoke with her and I was holding her and tried to understand whats going on in her head and tried to comfort her and she just came up with "if I wanted I could already be with someone else who would treat me better and would be better and I wont yell you who.." in that moment I pushed her away and asked her who that I want to know the name.. and imagine there is either noone as she told me today that there is noone and she is going to this extent just to hurt me or she is hiding something.... I know girls are arguing based on emotions and there is no rational thinking so you cant take everything very seriously on that moment but I just cant cope anymore even tho I know I love her....
But still its me with regrets and who is feeling so bad for today..I am so ashamed at my self for letting my emotions to take over me again so badly but I just feel sometimes that she is simply doing it on purpose... but its always just break up, break up, even for silly things like that girl or even whe she doest something bad.. its all the time just breakup and then she I stalking how many followers I have on IG...... and I feel bad I feel not worthy, that everything is my fault, that i am a bad person etc. even tho I know I am not, I know I am kind and helpful and nice.. ofc i have some bad properties in my behavior but hell! even when I get very drunk , everybody is saing that I am even more kind and more nicer them I am normally! its just those feelings about me fighting inside of me and there is no one to listen,not even her.. I dont even know it there is some question in my thread anymore or its just letting my emotions go somwehere.. idk if I should run or visit some psychologist or what to do?