How do I accept that my friends have moved on?

[IndigoGrey]

I have 2 close friends who I considered family - the kind of friends who I trusted with everything and have known since childhood. I have been closer to one more so than the other over the years and vice versa but I love them both dearly. They are also very good friends with each other and slowly but surely I've felt that I'm forgotten about.

A few years back I moved overseas with my partner. While I was overseas I kept in regular contact with these 2 friends, even daily contact with one of them as she was often calling and messaging me, even more so than when I lived there. I was really looking forward to moving back and spending time together. But now that I'm actually back, I definitely feel like they've moved on and no longer think of me as they used to. I know they constantly see each other but I'm not invited and only see them or hear from them sporadically. I know that I'm the one who moved away but I've been back now for over a year and when I first moved back I made a lot of effort to reconnect in person. That effort has not been reciprocated and when I brought it up with one of them, she said she's been busy and didn't really say much else. I know she sees a lot of other people though so it definitely feels personal.

I've tried to just let it go and accept they no longer feel they want to be close to me anymore, but it really hurts, especially when the 2 of them are always spending time together and it feels like I'm forgotten entirely. How do I let it go and move on?

This happened to us when we moved back after an overseas stint. All my closest friends had filled the space I had occupied. It hurt but I now know this was without malice. Life just moved on. I purposely sought out new friends and after a bit of trial and error have a fantastic set of new friends and finally feel part of a tribe. I am naturally quite reserved so had to put myself out there and it has paid off. I am still friends with my old friends but it’s just sporadic texts and occasional meet ups but now I have made other friends (as I am sure they did while I was away), that’s ok.

Funny thing is I realised one had become rather unpleasant to be around due to a series of traumatic events so I don’t miss her as much. I just miss the friend she used to be and the fun we had.

Groups of three are terrible for this in my experience.
I had two separate best friends who didn't know each other but one night invited them both on a night out together as I thought we'd all get on - they definitely did! They became really great friends and we all hung out regularly, until about 8 months later when I only moved 40 minutes away but that was all it took. I would see on their Instagram stories they were together and hadn't invited me, when I mentioned it they sort of made out I was being weird and acting like I had ownership of them, that they were friends in their own right and could hang out as such. They totally could, it just felt really shitty. I don't think I handled it as well as I could of, and it caused a bigger rift and they were now (4 years later) best friends afaik and we all have each other blocked on social media. Thankfully I've met some lovely new friends where it all feels much less surface level, and I don't miss the more mean girl but fun nights out friendship I had with them both. It's an awkward dynamic and you can look jealous and controlling for mentioning it, even if you're coming from a good place. If you don't want to end up falling out try and handle it gently.

They are still best friends afaik and both have me blocked on social media that should read!

@prettydesertflower Thanks for the response, sad to hear you had that experience too. I have tried making other friends and I do have some other nice friends but these 2 were friends I'd had for so many years and really were like family. It's not easy to replace that kind of relationship and it still hurts every time I hear about them hanging out without me or them not responding to messages.

I think you really need to stop messaging them. It will only keep reigniting the hurt. It's just one of those things that happens. It's not malicious I'm sure.

Yes, when you move away you feel the gap, but everyone elses’s life carry’s on as before, and the space you occupied smoothly fills over.

Your friends got used to hanging out together and with other people, and they’ll carry on doing that.

It does hurt OP. I sympathize.

I was lucky, when I moved back to the UK, my friends and I picked up more or less where we had left off, but none of my friends were friends with each other. One did drift off, but turned up again 4 years later, and we’re even better friends than before. Part of the reason, i think, is I had no expectations of sliding back into my former position. We just started slowly, and went from there.

It hurts, when friends move on. I’d try to keep busy, seek out new potential friends, message your other ‘friends’ occasionally, and if no response, just leave it. It may not be easy to start again, as an adult, but better than hurting yourself with what might have been. I do so hope that you can grow some new friends who will accept you as the person you are now.

This is hard but so common and natural .. I would say the same as others have said which is gently press the pause button , focus on new and perhaps join new groups .. and then see where that goes . If they aren't in a place they want to communicate then it's best to say nothing otherwise it will just make it worse

I am in a similar friendship. There are 3 of us - say A,B and me, C. A is you. She has lived abroad a bit in recent years, and recently sold their home here. A's circumstances are different, - she had family younger, therefore hers are now grown.
B&C both have school age children. But B is very busy. Runs her own business, children in hobbies, her own competitive hobby.
I have children in school, work PT. So in 'busy-ness ' I'm in the middle
it's all elastic. Sometimes closer to one than another. A does not work, and can be the person organising, when she's about. She has also been frustrated when we don't respond to her messages, which I try to be sensitive toward.

Don't "move on". But don't be completely dependent on this single group. My B spends more time with her hobby friends, than A or C. It's all good. Perhaps they think you're not available at short notice. When they meet without you, is it something you don't do, like going for a run?

Coming back is hard. You have to find a new place/role in your social circle. My friendships with my old friends were never the same after I’d been abroad for a year but 25 years on, we’re still friends, I’m back living abroad and I see them once a year. Nowhere near as close as we used to be, but still good. I agree with others that you can try to make new friends but I would still keep in touch with these two - perhaps separately if that’s easier - and see how it goes.

@UseOfWeapons I was also hoping to pick up where I'd left off, especially with the friend who I had a lot of contact with while I was away. She lived away for a while too and we did pick up where we left off, so I was even more hurt that she couldn't do the same for me.

@SaSamhradh That's interesting to hear from a different perspective in the trio. My friends are still doing the same kinds of activities we used to do together, just without me!

I moved away and my friendships were different when we came back. You have to embrace this new stage and look for new friends and distance yourself a bit as you’re feeling hurt by the level of friendship they can offer.

I have two friends who are much closer to each other than to me now, partly because I moved abroad and couldn’t do hen parties, birthdays etc but also they had babies within six weeks of each other whereas mine is at primary school. It’s not personal, just circumstances.

I agree with a PP that the sad, and sometimes painful fact is that life moves on, without malice. They just don;t connect easily with you any more.
Look for new friends. Friendships rarely last forever, even if they did last for decades. Find friends who are really in tune with this stage of your life. I also think not only local friends, but ones you have key interests in common with, as those friendships can withstand time and distance.