Dating men vs my self-worth/body image

[ComplainAboutRain]

I never seem to know what men want. In secondary school the girls I knew insisted on wearing make up at home as well as trying to wear it on school premises. I'm mildly autistic, and struggled to make friends - so I suppose I hung out with these girls because they were confident and popular. I realised eventually that I would never match up to their expectations, though; I was quiet and liked to keep my head down, when they were vivacious and liked to be noticed by boys by trying to wear a lot of lipgloss/mascara and wearing skirts shorter than a lot of girls were comfortable enough doing. Eventually I realised that I didn't necessarily feel more confident for wearing make up so I stopped bothering and felt better for it.

When I met my first boyfriend at 19, he didn't seem to expect much from me beyond kissing/company for the first 2 months or so, and there was no expectation (seemingly) for me to dress a certain way. The first time we tried to have sex was a jolt - I couldn't seem to relax and it hurt - and he lost his patience with me and told me I was hard work. He'd come home from work and we had a few drinks and everything seemed fine. After he snapped at me he went downstairs and continued to get wasted by himself. Next morning we didn't speak; I was too confused over what I was supposed have done differently in a situation where losing my virginity had gone from feeling right to not 'the right time'. I asked him what he had wanted me to do differently, if I had made HIM feel unwanted, and instead of answering, he asked why I didn't dress like 'other' women, and told me that I was pretty - but that I'd be prettier if I wore make up like other women. Why I didn't shave my legs more/wore high heels or dresses, I told him that I'd wanted to feel like I meant more to him as I was, not having to conform to an image I didn't feel I fitted. Up until the night before, he'd never asked me to do any differently with the way I looked. He made me feel like 'me' wasn't enough for him so we decided to split. Was I wrong to feel like this?

I do hope you aren’t still with the sexist unfeeling fool .

No we split less than a month later. I'd already had some problems with depression before and he was my first boyfriend. He made feel good for the first 2 months - until it seemed like he stopped valueing me.

May I ask how long ago was that? Just trying to establish how old you are now and how much time has passed since that experience, presumably with someone similar age to you at the time.

Worrying about what men want will get you nowhere. For one thing, we're not a homogeneous mass who all want the same thing, and for another, it's not your problem.

My DP doesn't like a lot of makeup most of the time, definitely doesn't wear any at home, but occasionally likes to go all out when she goes on a night out with her friends. Personally, I prefer the first two looks over the third, but she has no idea, because it's none of my business.

Conversely, her sister will not do anything until she's got her "war paint" on, even breakfast has to wait.

At the other end of the scale, my best friend only touches a makeup brush if there's a wedding to go to.

Both of them are with men who are happy with them for them

Be you, and get rid of anyone who tries to change you. Eventually you'll end up with someone who likes you for you.

Yep, I agree with @fdgdfgdfgdfg . Don't worry about what they want. It's a quick way to make yourself unhappy, trying to fit yourself to other people's expectations.

I never seem to know what men want They all want different things. Mostly they want to feel validated and respected, and to revert a little bit to being babied by their mummy.

@ComplainAboutRain - if it's any consolation us blokes aren't quite sure about what women want sometimes either.

In terms of dress - well I'm not the snappiest dresser in the world but I think it's a bit horses for courses. If we're going to a wedding I would expect to be wearing a suit and my partner a smart dress or ensemble.

Dinner trousers and shirt for me and same for her.

Pub anything down to jeans and a T - shirt for either or both of us and at home pretty much anything goes.

As for the first time sex being a bit awkward I can assure you mine was as well and I bet the same for a lot of people on here. Being a bit shitty afterwards though would make me think twice about seeing him again

It's not you or what you've not worn, a lot of men are never satisfied with what they have, even if they are with someone glamorous, they soon start to get bored and wonder who else is out there and find reasons why you're not good enough.

You're never wrong to feel anything. Your feelings aren't something you have to get right. Getting things right for you is what you have to do for your feelings. They are signposts. If something makes you feel bad, move away from it. If something makes you feel good, get closer. Same goes for people. It's your responsibility to yourself to choose your people well, so that you're surrounded by the right number of people, and the people who you feel good with.

Don't worry about what men want.
Look at the most glamorous women in the world - Models/Hollywood Stars. They all seem to get dicked about by men just the same as us 'normal' women.

Don’t worry about what men want. The men who are good for you will want you to be who you are. I look at my 16 year old DD. She has the confidence to be absolutely who she is; for her that’s clompy shoes, mini skirts, no make up, and a 1970s hairdo, and she looks so alive and real. Be who you want to be and know your worth. That way you’ll get someone you won’t have to work to please, because they’ll be over the moon to be with you.

I never seem to know what men want.

Who gives a fuck? Do what YOU want. If you meet someone and he's the right one he'll fit in.

A viable partner will want you to do what makes you happy.