Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he cheating?

30 replies

ChameNanged76 · 19/10/2022 04:29

Long story short, I've been seeing someone for around 8 months. We've known each other for a lot longer though so the relationship has developed fairly quickly.
Over the summer I started having some doubts and suspicions and looked at his phone one night to find he'd been messaging another woman, arranging to meet for sex. I kicked him out and was absolutely gutted.
We ended up talking again and he told me that he'd have never actually met her. That it was some sort of ego boost, he was drunk at the time (which he was), and that it was a stupid mistake that would never happen again.
I gave things another go. That was 3 months ago.
But I just have such niggling doubts now and I just can't shake that gut feeling that he will still be doing the same.
I looked at his phone again a couple of night ago (which I hate myself for, I know its wrong), but there were pretty much no messages at all in his Instagram inbox - not even casual replies to stories or anything, which makes me think he's regularly deleting messages. His search history is cleared too.
However, in his Instagram messenger search bar there was a womans name, who it looks like he added a week or so ago. But there are no actual messages. Surely if her name appears in the messenger search bar then he has been chatting to her and deleting messages.
I dont know whether to bring it up, although with no hard evidence he could easily gaslight me and ive nothing to back up my doubts.
I could message the woman in question, although I dont know how honest someone would be in that situation?
We're due to go on holiday in 3 weeks and I just don't know what to do at all, but I feel so insecure and anxious all the time.
Any thoughts please?
I never thought I'd be mid 30s with children, screwing over some guy. This is not how I usually am, its awful.

OP posts:
Pjmaskmummy · 19/10/2022 04:37

I think if you're only 8 months in and this is the situation you are already in its best to just call it a day whether he's been cheating or not.
8 months in you should still be in the exciting stages, if you've already had this amount of drama it's just not worth it in my eyes.

Miajk · 19/10/2022 04:38

Do you really think it matters if he met her or was just planning to?

You can't trust him. He's disrespected you and has shown you how much he values you and your relationship.

Whether he had sex with her really doesn't matter - he's shown you who he is, believe him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/10/2022 04:41

Pjmaskmummy · 19/10/2022 04:37

I think if you're only 8 months in and this is the situation you are already in its best to just call it a day whether he's been cheating or not.
8 months in you should still be in the exciting stages, if you've already had this amount of drama it's just not worth it in my eyes.

What she says! Is this relationship really worth the stress and self doubt? If this is what it’s like so early on, and it’s only going to get worse..l

Trez1510 · 19/10/2022 04:43

Walk.

Original poster
ChameNanged76 · 19/10/2022 04:52

Thanks everyone. I know you're all right. Maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else.
Id never be the type to normally forgive that sort of behaviour, but because we have a long standing history of friendship and because I have such strong feelings for him, I wanted to forgive and make things work.
What would I say at this point? It happened months ago and as far as he is concerned things have been good since.
Would I just say I've not been able to move on and so it has to end?
Should I message the woman in question anyway, just for clarification and/or peace of mind?

OP posts:
Miajk · 19/10/2022 04:58

ChameNanged76 · 19/10/2022 04:52

Thanks everyone. I know you're all right. Maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else.
Id never be the type to normally forgive that sort of behaviour, but because we have a long standing history of friendship and because I have such strong feelings for him, I wanted to forgive and make things work.
What would I say at this point? It happened months ago and as far as he is concerned things have been good since.
Would I just say I've not been able to move on and so it has to end?
Should I message the woman in question anyway, just for clarification and/or peace of mind?

You don't owe him much of an explanation anyway. I wouldn't bother messaging her, you'll never know who is telling the truth and it will just mess with your head and prolong the break up emotions.

MsDogLady · 19/10/2022 04:59

@ChameNanged76, you feel insecure and anxious all the time because you reconciled with a cheat who is still up to no good and deleting the evidence. You rumbled him before via his messages, so he is now making sure you can’t see anything.

Are you really going to waste your life with with this faithless guy?

MsDogLady · 19/10/2022 05:16

@ChameNanged76, if he was really your friend and reciprocated your strong feelings, he would never have humiliated you by reaching out to another woman to arrange a hook-up. The recent deleted chat and cleared history also speak volumes. He’s not committed.

I would tell him it’s not working for you. Don’t give him the opportunity to manipulate/talk you round.

Swalewhale · 19/10/2022 05:19

When you break up with him he will try and persuade you that you are unjustified and make you question if you are doing the right thing, stay strong.
It will hurt and you might even be telling yourself you could make it work because you are hurting so much but the truth is you don't deserve to feel like this. You should feel secure and loved.
Give yourself 8 days no contact and see how you feel on the other side. Things might come out about him, you might never know, but you owe it to yourself and your kids to move on and find someone that makes you happy.

Swalewhale · 19/10/2022 05:22

Don’t give him the opportunity to manipulate/talk you round.

I was thinking this too, he sounds manipulative

SummerCarnival · 19/10/2022 06:00

I couldn't be arsed with all of this. Just dump and move on.

In regards to the search bar in the Instagram messages, anyones name will show. It doesn't mean he's messaging her. (He might well me but the fact she's in the search bar in messages doesn't matter)

Go into your inbox on Instagram and search Barack Obama - he will come up and I doubt you've been DMing him.

You deserve better anyway. Phone snooping 8 months in and you've already been burnt. Get rid.

Crimsoncupcakes · 19/10/2022 06:02

When someone gives you good reason not to trust them, it’s because they are untrustworthy . Not a good trait for a partner. Your gut is telling you something isn’t right, because it isn’t. No need to delete history unless you are doing something wrong.
its 8 months in, you’re checking up on him, he’s deleting stuff, where’s the fun in that.
You owe him nothing, just tell him you don’t trust him and you are ending your relationship. He’ll try and talk you round, don’t let him.

Original poster
ChameNanged76 · 19/10/2022 06:20

SummerCarnival · 19/10/2022 06:00

I couldn't be arsed with all of this. Just dump and move on.

In regards to the search bar in the Instagram messages, anyones name will show. It doesn't mean he's messaging her. (He might well me but the fact she's in the search bar in messages doesn't matter)

Go into your inbox on Instagram and search Barack Obama - he will come up and I doubt you've been DMing him.

You deserve better anyway. Phone snooping 8 months in and you've already been burnt. Get rid.

I didn't search her name, it was in recent searches in the inbox, I probably didn't explain clearly enough

OP posts:
Original poster
ChameNanged76 · 19/10/2022 06:22

Crimsoncupcakes · 19/10/2022 06:02

When someone gives you good reason not to trust them, it’s because they are untrustworthy . Not a good trait for a partner. Your gut is telling you something isn’t right, because it isn’t. No need to delete history unless you are doing something wrong.
its 8 months in, you’re checking up on him, he’s deleting stuff, where’s the fun in that.
You owe him nothing, just tell him you don’t trust him and you are ending your relationship. He’ll try and talk you round, don’t let him.

You're right, its become very toxic. I know it sounds pathetic but I just really don't want it to be over. The thought of dealing with a breakup feels so daunting. I've two young children, and already feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water with balancing work, household, kids. I worry I'll have a melt down.
I know thats no reason to stay with him though...

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 19/10/2022 06:26

I wouldn't have forgiven the messaging for sex. It's completely disrespectful to you in every way but I understand that the pre-existing friendship clouded the issue for you. It's hard to imagine that someone who was such a good friend previously could treat you so badly.

It's not just an 8 month relationship you're ending but the friendship too.

However, you need to do it. You'll never be happy or secure with him because of choices he made and who he is.

He might have been a good friend but he's a shit boyfriend.

End it and you'll find that sense of peace will return pretty quickly in my experience!

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2022 06:29

The thought of dealing with a breakup feels so daunting. I've two young children, and already feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water with balancing work, household, kids.

It's crap but what's the alternative really?

And that's what I mean about the peace returning. Those things will become easier when you're not pre-occupied with worrying about what he's doing.

You managed 8 months ago, you'll manage again and you're children are only going to get older and easier.

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2022 06:32

*your

ViolinPin · 19/10/2022 06:32

He's a cheat.

And you can't have an honest relationship with a cheat.

This man will ruin your health.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 06:41

Your life will be easier if you don't have the worry of what he's doing and who with.

Lurkingandlearning · 19/10/2022 06:47

Keep posting here and I think you’ll get the support you need to stave off a meltdown. You come across as being strong to me, but I might be wrong and don’t want to minimise how you feel. What I am sure of is that staying in the relationship, with your doubts and his probable deceit, is more likely to mess with your head than ending it will.

givinglessfucksdaily · 19/10/2022 06:53

Dear Fred , this doesn't work for me any more so I'm ending it today . Wishing you all the best for a happy future , take care and say hi if I see you out ! "

That's all you need to say .. then take some time for you and your young children 💐

Weatherwax13 · 19/10/2022 07:03

Walk away.

User0610134057 · 19/10/2022 07:14

but I feel so insecure and anxious all the time.

either way, that’s no way to live is it. I don’t think he’s going to be able to reassure you even if nothing untoward is happening. I think the trust has been broken now and let’s face it if he can do that once it will happen again, there’s also statistically a good chance he was minimising what happened with the other woman as people tend to do that…

I think you know what you should do

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 19/10/2022 07:15

You're not going to have a meltdown. He gives you more stress so you end it. Then you will have less stress! Of course he's lying when he says he didn't meet her and he is minimising everything. Living with someone who is cheating and lying is incredibly stressful and you must feel awful so much of the time.

outtheshowernow · 19/10/2022 07:22

You've only been with him 8 months and you clearly don't trust him so you need to end it. He has already been messaging other woman for gods sake where is your self respect. Dump him today and move on. Have time alone to work on your self worth and self esteem. Don't put up with this shit. Men will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.

Swipe left for the next trending thread