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Original poster

Still have bad feelings with son despite the fact he has finally gone to uni

18 replies

user1494621907 · 19/10/2022 01:44

My son aged 24, has finally done something with his life.Granted he had a tough time at school, and didnt fit in.He always was 'difficult', when he came out of school he would kick me, or tease his little sister.I did my best with him, but it was difficult.He seemed to always want to 'wind everyone up', for instance he pushed his cousin in my mums pond when he was 7yrs old.He threw a stone at a dog's head on holiday, about the same age.He constantly harassed his little sister and made her cry.In those days we didnt have the advice that is available now.This progressed as he got older, didnt get on at school(he is very intelligent and got a scholarship) he started becoming more reclusive as the years went by.Still being horrible to me (in particular).Staying in his room and gaming, not doing anything round the house etc.I begged him to get therapy, offered to pay etc etc.Husband never really supported me properly,he couldnt be arsed.I would have taken the gaming stuff away years ago, but no support.It has ruined my life for 15 years.Now he has gone to Uni finally (25years old) and doesnt seem to want to speak to me,as I was the lunatic that shouted at him, for breaking my heart, and wanting him to do something with his life, I am the bad mother, he has texted my husband saying 'is she normal?', because I am the only parent who has cracked down on him.I dont know if I can ever forgive my husband for his lack of support, because he is so liberal, and does not seem to get what I have been through.I will always be the 'bad guy' as far as my son is concerned.It has been absolute hell, and all through it I told him that I loved him.Husband still doesnt get it, and dont know if I can forgive him.Extremely sad, I know others have worse than me but not sure how I can get over this hurt.

OP posts:

JustKittenAround · 19/10/2022 02:59

I think going to someone to talk out these things would really benefit you. Sometimes just saying things out loud and being heard is an immensely healing experience.

Your pain is valid and so is your experience. I can’t say you acted the right way or anything like that as I don’t know, but you deserve to have your experience validated and worked out.

Feeling like you are not being understood or that your feelings don’t matter is an intensely painful experience. You feel alone and somehow trapped… it can make someone feel so many different things.

I am not saying to do this to get help to forgive. I truly think the first thing you should focus on is being heard. Examining the events, airing how you feel… being able to bring up everything you feel matters.

I see a psychiatrist who also does therapy myself. There is no shame in taking care of your own mental health. It is something that will continue to benefit you as you go forward.

Butterfly44 · 19/10/2022 03:56

Therapy as pp said. You are not in the wrong here. Fill your life with other things you love. In time hopefully he'll see his ways and come back to you

SpidersAreShitheads · 19/10/2022 04:00

Honestly? You don't seem to have much good to say about your son, and you're still judging him negatively for incidents that happened more than 15 years ago when he was a small child.

You say that you were "the lunatic that shouted at him, for breaking my heart". I'm not suggesting that your son has behaved well, but you don't sound as if you're an innocent party here. Your post really screams me, me, me with not a shred of empathy about why your son may have found things difficult.

Your son sounds as though he really struggled with socialising and maybe social anxiety, but your post is all about how he's ruined your life for 15 years and what a disappointment he is for not making life choices you approve of.

Certainly it sounds as if there is fault on his side too - such as not helping around the house - but all of this sounds like an extremely toxic environment and I'm not surprised at all that your son has opted to go low contact with you now. It's probably for the best.

You're clearly carrying a lot of unresolved feelings and I'd suggest counselling to explore what's been going on, and to move forward.

inche · 19/10/2022 04:03

You sound embarrassed of him

look, I’m not saying he’s an angel as he doesn’t sound great…but ultimately not all families are close. Not all family members want to socialise with each other and it seems like he wants some space from you. You should respect that. He’s 24 (or 25? You wrote both) but he’s still maturing with his new life experiences.

inche · 19/10/2022 04:06

Can you clarify as well, before he went to uni was he employed? Has he always been employed or unemployed at times?

if he’s always been unemployed and stayed in his room all day playing games, that’s not really normal imo. Shows a lack of self esteem and possible depression? If that’s the case, his perspective it could be the case that:

A. His dad was supportive of his mental health and made allowances for him to recover
B. His mum used to nag him and made him feel worse at his lowest by being hard on him

inche · 19/10/2022 04:07

does not seem to get what I have been through

then explain to your husband what exactly happened to you as you and your husband may have different viewpoints

BlackberryCat · 19/10/2022 04:16

I also think that it sounds like you parented the only way you knew how but it wasn’t the right way approach. But, the past is the past so just draw a line under things and move on. But I think it’s a shame that you have never tried to see things from your son’s point of view.

Miajk · 19/10/2022 04:51

There are two sides to every story, I'd be angry with your DH and accept that your son feels how he does.

My mum would say she was a good mum but I don't speak to her because it's not true.

You're the parent, it's your responsibility to rebuild the relationship with your child.

Original poster

user1494621907 · 19/10/2022 19:28

Some good advice, and some not so good.I have always supported him with his mental health problems(he did have some counselling), and seemed better, it certainly has not been me,me, me, I have literally tried everything to help him.This is not a situation that was short lived, it has been going on for a long time.I mentioned stuff from the past, to illustrate his actions as a child.Ofcourse I have forgiven him.I have always tried to talk to him, offered private therapy and done everything I can.But I can see that some counselling would benefit me aswell.Thankyou for the advice, I suppose I will have to accept the fact we do not have a close relationship, and possibly never will.But it is sad.

OP posts:

NoYouSirName · 19/10/2022 19:39

Your language in your post is difficult, OP, and suggests that you are blaming your son for a lot. You’re blaming a small child (as he was then) for ‘breaking your heart’. You’re making his educational achievement about you. You say you have ‘forgiven him’ which sounds like you feel he’s done something awful and that it’s personally directed at you.

I’m sure it’s been difficult, and that’s an understatement. But it’s been difficult for him too! ‘My child isn’t giving me a hard time, he is HAVING a hard time’ - reframe it as this. It’s something hard that you have been through together, not him vs you.

Children don’t behave that way for no reason. Whether it’s unhappiness, mental health, undiagnosed SEN, difficult experiences… all behaviour is communicating something. Don’t blame your son but try to be his ally and his guide?

SpidersAreShitheads · 19/10/2022 19:45

NoYouSirName · 19/10/2022 19:39

This is a really good post and excellent advice.

Octomore · 19/10/2022 19:50

Honestly? You don't seem to have much good to say about your son, and you're still judging him negatively for incidents that happened more than 15 years ago when he was a small child.

This. You're harking back to minor misbehaviour from when he was 7.... poor kid. How many times has he been told his failings I wonder?

I also agree with this. I think therapy will be useful for you, but I think you are currently heaping blame all on his side without considering whether your view of him is fair.

ArcticSkewer · 19/10/2022 19:51

Did you intervene with his issues at school? He sounds like he has been very unhappy in childhood. And you certainly don't let things go if you think things he did when he was 7 reflect on him now.
What do you want, op?

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 19/10/2022 20:06

What jumps out at me is that you say you tried to help him, but it feels like you were only giving him help that you wanted to give, that was generated by you, to turn him into the son you want him to be instead of the person he wants to be.

Nearly every Disney and Pixar movie from the last 20 years has this as the theme.

Centre him in your heart as the person he is, not the person you wish he was, that person never existed.

Anniefrenchfry · 19/10/2022 20:08

This is uncomfortable reading , the stone thing at seven I’m agog you brought it up. It sounds like you resent him deeply. I’m honestly not sure this is all him and your husband .

Octomore · 19/10/2022 20:10

What's your relationship like with your daughter (his sister) OP? Is there a golden child dynamic there?

OnSilverStars · 19/10/2022 20:14

You sound like the problem OP. Not your son. Seems like his problems haven't just happened through no fault of your own.

Anniefrenchfry · 19/10/2022 20:17

Yes it’s just minor and fairly standard unhappy child stuff. And the fact your husband can’t see it either indicates it’s you who is the problem.

as a pp alluded to, did you favour your daughter and reject your son for not being what you wanted him to be? Or do you have a bad relationship there too?

you come across as intolerant, self absorbed, unsupportive and resentful.

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