Can't stand my girlfriends son

[BlingersMcBling]

I've been with my gf for around 7 years. She has 2 children, a 17 year old boy with adhd and a younger girl.
I used to get on ok with her son but he has in my opinion become impossible. I am aware that I'm putting my gf in a bad position and I hate this but I just resent him so much and can't stand being in the same room as him. He has done so many things to list here but by far the worst thing is his attitude and constant lying. He speaks to his mum and everyone really like utter crap. He has no respect for anyone and no empathy what so ever. We've had neighbours at the house complaining about him riding around on his moped on pavements nearly knocking their kids over and when confronted he just laughs at them. We've had the police around numerous times for things he's done. He got a large quantity of drugs delivered to our house for his friend and said that if we went to the police his friend would burn the house down. So needless to say that was the final straw and I moved out but we are still together. It was putting a lot of pressure on my gf because there was an atmosphere whenever we were in the same room. I'm normally an amicable person but he has sent me over the edge. I love his mum to bits though and we get on so well but I can't stand to be around her son. What do I do? I don't want to come between them but it feels impossible. Thanks for any advice.

I hope she's not blaming his behaviour on his adhd.....

What is she doing to sort his behaviour?

Difficult one.

You say you've moved out? I think that was wise.

Tell her she needs to sort her son out before he ends up in prison. When you're talking drugs, threats or arson and almost running over children...

It's not your job. You can support her, but he is her child.

Is his Dad around at all?

You are a partnership, you stick it out, support his mum who probably really needs it now, and teach him when stuff is hard you dont run away

Where is his father in all this? Is it possible for him to have a stern word with his son?

Neah don't do that. Don't teach him anything other than: people need boundaries. Boundaries are healthy.

What future is there in this relationship?

I've tried disciplining him, it just created a bigger wedge between us. His dad is in and out of prison and not really a good role model. He sees him now and again but he is no help. I do think his mum is too soft on him, we constantly argue about it. But she can't control him, he has no respect for her and just does what he wants.

His mum has to put boundaries in, and follow through her actions with him. Not let him do as he wants all this stuff. He will get arrested and end up in serious trouble.

He's 17 so when he's 18 the law won't be so lenient on him anymore. She has to do it for his own good.

You, I think you've done the right thing, stay out of it. Live alone, carry on your relationship, you can listen to her worries and offer advice if she wants it, but if she won't take it and implement things, better maybe to simply say you want to help but it has to be her so maybe better you don't talk about it too much.

It's a tough one but only she can resolve it. If his dads no use either.

It is far too late for the boy's mum to change the way she parents him - that ship sailed long ago.
He is nearly an adult.
If you really love her, then stay living separately for now and wait it out. When he turns 20, talk to her about when he will move out - there is a risk he just won't leave home for another 10 years but there is not much you can do about that.
But you can't move back in.

I think you'd best say goodbye to be honest. Sorry. But they need to sort themselves out and you don't need to be dragged down by him, or her refusal to acknowledge the problem. Best of luck.

Wait it out and do what you can to support your partner. You can’t change other people and presumably your girlfriend isn’t going to give up on her so so if you want to stay with her, you have to find a way to make peace with the situation.

Good call on moving out OP.

If you love her then just continue as partners not co-parents. Her son sounds awful!

Hi OP. If you’ve been with your DP for 7 years that doesn’t sound to me like this boy is simply “her child”. You’ve known him since he was 10, lived with him, and it’s likely he sees you as a parent figure, however subconsciously. So my thoughts are in two parts:

I can see that these behaviours would be awful, but at 17 his behaviour is an outcome of local influences, yourself included. It doesn’t sound like your reaction to him is going to help parent his behaviour, as it’s quite clear he can summon a reaction from you even to the extent that you leave his home. The best response you can have from a parenting stand point is to be stable, be there, to find a way to not resent him, to have firm boundaries (eg if drugs show up, they get flushed) and to not give attention to what he’s doing. Engage him in family activities, do some bonding activities with him… it won’t be great at first, but then things have gotten out of control and this has happened on your (and his mum and dad’s) watch.

So that’s if you want to be a parent, and tbh I think as an adult on the scene anyway you shouldn’t be “resenting” or letting your feelings get the better of you. Children are always hard — it’s not quite the same thing but I know people who say things about their baby like “he’s a little monster, he will not let me sleep!” and I wonder if you’re that kind of person, to resent rather than look for solutions.

If you absolutely don’t want to be a family with your partner (because obviously she is a parent) then I think you need to cop to the fact that it’s not only his bad behaviour, it’s that you don’t want to handle it with her. Obviously your partner will always need to “handle” her son, and not having your support must be making things harder for her. In that case, living apart is fine. I just think it needs to be clear that you see your role as her partner but not her co-parent (so she can make a choice as to how she feels about that), and if you do move back in when he has left home, and he comes back to visit, I think you need to find a way not to get wound up, because it will only make things worse for your partner and this boy will always be her son.

Sounds like a general cluster fuck.

Solvent, non addict, non degenerate, decent men are an extremely sought after group with ample opportunities on OLD etc. Perhaps 7 yrs (and it's getting worse) of this is enough. Perhaps time to move on (?)

I think you did the right thing moving out. Carry on with your relationship and once he grows out of it or moves out you can live together again

I can't see this improving any time soon. ... He's 17, is he in any kind of educator training?

He's already involved in dealing drugs, he's involved in antisocial behaviour, he's ok with using arson threats against his family & home, (or is he saying he's the victim there too; well there'd be no such threats if he wasn't involved with the drugs in the first place), he's probably going to follow his Dad to prison on and off, he seems like an unlikely candidate to get independent accomodation and look after himself (unless litetally thrown out) ...... As I said, maybe this cluster fuck is best avoided. Therd are thousands of women out there here without this shit.

Could your GF just come over to your house instead? Then you wouldn't have to be in the same room as him.

Being in a relationship with someone when you can't stand their child is not easy and ultimately, she'll always love him.

This sounds awful, but one thing that stood out to me - he and his friend are involved with drug dealing - they are victims of abuse. Are they involved in county lines?

You 100% need to report this. If not to the police then to his college or social services. If he is saying someone will burn the house down he is probably terrified and way out of his depth, whatever bravado he might be showing. Be the adult here - you don't have to put up with his awful behaviour but don't turn a blind eye to this.

I would confiscate the moped for starters, before he kills someone.
I would hand any drugs to the police, no matter what he says.
I absolutely wouldn’t stand for his behaviour. However, if his mother won’t parent him, I am sorry but I think you should move on.

I think the best thing you could have done is move out.
Your sentence is telling - "I can't stand being in the same room as him"
He will 100% sense this.
His behaviour is in no way excusable and no idea how his mum is going to move forward with this but she needs support. His dad has let him down and everything is on her - not an easy situation to be in.
Maybe she could/should have handled things differently but kids don't come with a manual and the full weight of everything is on her.
You also mentioned disciplining him which makes things worse - it will make it worse if you don't have a good relationship with him as your whole relationship with him will be based on negativity.
His mum needs support not judgement - she sounds wrung out.
His risky behaviour needs addressing without doubt. I hope she can find a way forward.
Equally I understand how stressful this must be on you and I think your honesty and subsequent moving out is right - the situation will only get worse if you stay.

I have ADHD and have never done anything like this.