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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Too selfish?

13 replies

SienaBlue · 18/10/2022 18:01

My hubby has become irritating and selfish. Its only small things but I'm finding it so annoying. For example:

  1. I asked him to pick some chips up on his way home to go with the pie I've made, as we were in a rush out that evening. He comes home and says I've got us chilli cheese bites for us too. Oh nice I think, there's 4 cheese bites, I have one and go to get another but theres just an empty bag there. I said I thought there was two each, I ate it he said. So he's had 3 and I've just had 1. I told him I think that selfish, and when I buy something for us I always share it equally. He got annoyed and couldn't see what was wrong with it and made a comment that he's only had breakfast all day, well so have I, but I still would have better manners than that.

  2. he will go in the cupboard and stuff his face with junk, and I mean he will have almost a whole pack of biscuits followed by two Mars bars, Crisps and a kit kat all in one go. He will make a point of eating it all in front of me making sure I hear and see every mouthful that he takes. I find this so irritating and a big turn off. Then he will make a comment that he's eating junk now because I never made him a box for work. He tries to make it sound like it's my fault. Which really winds me up as he is a grown man, both of us work full time. Why would he expect me to make his food box for work as though its his right and privilege to have it made for him.

3). He will not put anything in the bin, and back where he got it from. He will pull rubbish and all sorts out of his pocket and leave it on the worktop. He will use the last tea bag and leave the box there. Or have the last of the cereal and put the box back in the cupboard or leave it on the worktop. I have told him I'm not his servant and won't be coming behind him putting things in the bin for him any longer. I've stopped putting his empty deodorant cans in the bin and now the vanity unit has 5 empty cans of his deodorant on it. It's so embarrassing when people come around or our childs friends come around and just makes me feel as, if I want a tidy house I have to do all the work myself, constantly going behind him cleaning his mess up. I'm starting to realise I've done this too long now and feel exhausted and emotionally drained. He's so stubborn, and I've actually broke down crying asking why he enjoys leaving me do all the housework and struggling, why he can't just help out. He doesn't give an answer, just says he's got to fly his drone or feed his bird.

I'm at my whits end and really starting to doubt its acceptable but feel so worn out now that I don't think I have the energy to do anything about it.

His friend has seen me struggle up scaffold to paint the house or doing the renovation work on my own, whilst he goes out to fly his bird. And even he has turned to him in front of me, firmly telling him he should be helping too with the house too. But my husband just replied life's too short, you've got to enjoy it whilst you're here. The problem is he's enjoying it at the expense of my happiness. I just feel so sad and stuck.

Even our child, turned to me and said Mum, don't you get fed up of him. She had asked him if he would take her to club ( I normally take her as its never convenient for him) as I was unwell. Dizziness and sickness due to medication I'm on. He said no, although he did afterwards. But I'm worried it's affecting her too.

Don't know what advice I'm after, I guess some reassurance that his behaviour described is selfish and unacceptable.

OP posts:
Tsort · 18/10/2022 18:06

The first point isn’t a massive deal, so I was expecting this to be a very different post. Literally EVERYTHING else is awful. Your husband is an arsehole. Why are you with him? What positives does he bring into your life?

Newusernameaug · 18/10/2022 18:10

I find all of it unacceptable - in fact the first one - if a date ever did that I think I’d bin them, I basically would Never date someone that selfish and inconsiderate!
I feel for you - I’d just leave him to be honest!

ILoveShula · 18/10/2022 18:11

It's not helping he should be doing, he should be pulling his weight.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/10/2022 18:11

He's a lazy, selfish arsehole, love. Even your child can see what he is.

What has made you think this is all you deserve?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2022 18:12

What sort of relationship example are you modelling to your daughter by remaining with such a man?. She’s questioned you re her dad and rightly so.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Connection2Attention · 18/10/2022 18:13

Is there any good in this?

Would he be open to paying for a cleaner twice a week to clean up after him instead of you? He can be as lazy as he wants but it shouldn't be you cleaning up after him!

TooMinty · 18/10/2022 18:13

He's beyond pointless, he's actually making your life worse. Please set yourself free and enjoy the rest of your life without having to pick up after him x

Hudsonriver · 18/10/2022 18:18

Food box? Flying his bird?
Is he from 1972?

He sounds ghastly, misogynistic and selfish and he wont change Op

RebelliousStarrChild · 18/10/2022 18:19

You already know its selfish and unacceptable, I think what you're really asking is how can you change him.
You can't . Not even his friend's comment could shame him into action.
You accept it or you leave, you've told him how you feel and he hasn't changed so those are the only options you have left.

Ihatethenewlook · 18/10/2022 18:21

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2022 18:12

What sort of relationship example are you modelling to your daughter by remaining with such a man?. She’s questioned you re her dad and rightly so.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

This. Even his own daughter is aware that she being brought up by a piece of shit who mistreats his own wife. Tbf I was in the same position, and actually engaged to be married to my then 4yo daughters father when she asked me ‘don’t you wish you were marrying someone else mummy’? I cancelled the wedding.

userwants2no · 18/10/2022 18:24

Well how I feel about it is irrelevant because you are the one living with him. But for the sake of a discussion, I'll leave my 2 pence

  1. My bloke is bigger and burns more calories, I don't expect to share food 50-50 and I don't mind if he eats more unless I specifically said I love these please leave this bit for me. I like seeing food enjoyed and I'd rather they were eaten than left for me to get fat eating them or have an endless mountain of leftovers.
  2. I absolutely love feeding and cooking I actually enjoy planning and making packed lunch. It's a huge compliment to see my food all eaten. I don't mind if my bloke is eating a lot around me, I like a man who can eat and eats well.
  3. His priorities are different and you both need to compromise. He wont do things your way and you wont do things his way. You have to accept it and rise above it or if it's such a deal breaker then divorce him because neither of you will change the best bet is to work around each other's annoying habits. I'm sure you too have habits that drive him crazy. I didn't quite understand what your daughter's club thing is about so not sure but listen, in the end this is your life. It doesn't matter if Joanne from MumsNet thinks this is no big deal, you need to find a way forward. I think small niggles are a sign of bigger problems and resentment not dealt with.
userwants2no · 18/10/2022 18:26

Oh and on the DIY front, my man does all the DIY and I don't do any. But there are jobs that I do and he doesn't. Not all blokes are into DIY or care about a well decorated home. I know families where it's the woman who DIYs and the man cooks and cleans.
When my bloke was doing DIY nobody came and told him I Should help him. I think the comments you had are sexist.

Sunnytwobridges · 18/10/2022 18:35

He sounds horrible. i would be very resentful of him as he seems to deliberately being this way, which is even worse.

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