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Original poster

Sibling estrangement but for no reason

12 replies

Viewofthesea · 18/10/2022 17:43

Is anyone else estranged from a sibling but for no reason?

The relationship between my brother and I changed years ago. He became cold and distant. There wasn't any row in particular between us for that. I think he was taking drugs but I kept my suspicions to myself. He's gone away abroad now. Apparently he's working hard now. Contact is limited and very vague and brief and just superficial. Really there's nothing from him.

This hurts because I can't think of anything that came between us or any row between us for him to literally blank me.

Does anyone else have similar thing?

OP posts:
Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 18:54

I have. None of us growing up were particularly close, as our parents played us off against each other and my brother spent a lot of time at friends houses growing up as he was popular and managed to do that However we always got along fine when we saw each other.

Over time his contact with me (and other family) has just dwindled. He works in a job with anti social hours, but I do feel that's partly deliberate so he has a reason to get out of usual social expectations, eg he always volunteers to work Christmas, do overtime nights etc. If I didn't try and get in touch with him he'd never speak to me I don't think. I've probably seen him twice in the last five years which is really sad. The last time I had any prolonged interaction with him was when we needed to deal with funeral arrangements following a bereavement and he was fine then, but the rest of the time it's like family don't exist to him.

It's sad, and I find it hard when people realise I have a brother and ask about him. I honestly don't think he holds any grudges against me, I think he's a bit of a loner and he's happy enough as he is. I wish I was a bit more important to him though.

Onceuponawhileago · 18/10/2022 19:25

Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 18:54

I have. None of us growing up were particularly close, as our parents played us off against each other and my brother spent a lot of time at friends houses growing up as he was popular and managed to do that However we always got along fine when we saw each other.

Over time his contact with me (and other family) has just dwindled. He works in a job with anti social hours, but I do feel that's partly deliberate so he has a reason to get out of usual social expectations, eg he always volunteers to work Christmas, do overtime nights etc. If I didn't try and get in touch with him he'd never speak to me I don't think. I've probably seen him twice in the last five years which is really sad. The last time I had any prolonged interaction with him was when we needed to deal with funeral arrangements following a bereavement and he was fine then, but the rest of the time it's like family don't exist to him.

It's sad, and I find it hard when people realise I have a brother and ask about him. I honestly don't think he holds any grudges against me, I think he's a bit of a loner and he's happy enough as he is. I wish I was a bit more important to him though.

Im probably very similar to your brother. You might consider that parents playing siblings off each other affects some kids very deeply.

Original poster
Viewofthesea · 18/10/2022 20:08

I am finding it hard. He was so cold towards me. I know in my case it was drugs. One of the hardest things is that he snubbed my partner. In the 5 and half years that I was with him and in the years that my brother was at home, my brother only ever spoke to him once when he wanted to use my partner for a jump-start in his car. That was it.

OP posts:
Pumpkinspicey · 18/10/2022 20:13

Some people are a little odd and don't see the value in having deep connections. My partner can be like this with people- he doesn't work on friendships or family relationships but I suspect he has ASD and so doesn't seek closeness from people. It's sad for those who are left behind and seek their connection.

I have a volatile relationship with my brother where he makes an effort for a while then has an abusive outburst at me before ignoring me for a couple of years and then I'll suddenly hear from him again. I need to break the cycle as he's not a healthy person.

Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 20:14

@Onceuponawhileago that's quite a patronising comment to dish out based on the post I had written.

I'm well aware of how parents doing so can affect people deeply, I was one of those affected. It was far from a golden child situation. We were each put into impossible situations that greatly affected us. In the years after leaving home we each (there's more of us) recognised this and started to talk about it. I'm confident none of us hold grudges against the others. I don't doubt it has shaped his personality to be avoidant though.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/10/2022 20:21

My friend has a brother abroad who rarely made contact with home. Then he got a partner whom they met on a very rare visit to him. She is lovely and now keeps in great contact with the family and their brother joins in. Some guys are just useless and don't seem to need that contact.

FuckFuckGo · 18/10/2022 20:38

Me. My brother and I grew up with abuse and I often inadvertently got him into trouble. Not sure he’s ever forgiven me. Have seen him once in 10 years, when our dad died.

Have tried reaching out over and over but his responses are cold, vague and brief like your sibling’s OP. He does wish my a happy birthday and Christmas every year but the message is literally just that. Any time I try to get a conversation going he stops responding. He’s also a loner, and no LTR.

I’m devastated not to have a relationship with him as he’s my only family. I probably wish for that more than anything. Sometimes I think about telling him how I feel but I’m not sure he’d respond well to it, and I guess part of me is afraid of what he’d say. I got blamed for so much as a child and I think it would break me if I found out he blamed me too.

Onceuponawhileago · 18/10/2022 20:56

Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 20:14

@Onceuponawhileago that's quite a patronising comment to dish out based on the post I had written.

I'm well aware of how parents doing so can affect people deeply, I was one of those affected. It was far from a golden child situation. We were each put into impossible situations that greatly affected us. In the years after leaving home we each (there's more of us) recognised this and started to talk about it. I'm confident none of us hold grudges against the others. I don't doubt it has shaped his personality to be avoidant though.

Its not patronising. His experience and yours were probably different. You have possibly no idea what he probably really feels. He is the person who choses to engage or not. He does not engage so thats unlikely to happen without a reason. Being avoidant does not mean he holds a grudge.

Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 22:02

@Onceuponawhileago it was patronising because you told me I should consider how our upbringing would have affected him and that he may be deeply affected.

I'm well aware of that, as was inferred in my original post, and I don't need you to point that out.

You are again patronising by telling me that I have no idea what he feels - when I have already said that this is something we have talked about. We managed some healing as young adults. We each have some awareness of each others experiences.

I have empathy for him, and my other siblings and I am more than capable of considering other people's experiences. That's something perhaps you might want to learn yourself, as it is a skill you certainly don't evidence here.

Please stop transferring your own pop psychology about your family onto mine.

scoopoftheday · 18/10/2022 23:14

Me.

One brother doesn't speak to the rest of us following childhood abuse disclosures.(by our father who we have zero contact with)

My counsellor says as the eldest he feels guilty, but I don't blame him at all, he didn't know.

In the days after the disclosure he said if anything happened his daughter whilst staying in our home he'd kill us. I told him I used to lie awake at night to make sure she was safe.

He hasn't spoken to me in 4 years.

Though it does seem he has reason, I'd love to reach out and make up, I don't think it will happen.

Onceuponawhileago · 18/10/2022 23:19

Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 22:02

@Onceuponawhileago it was patronising because you told me I should consider how our upbringing would have affected him and that he may be deeply affected.

I'm well aware of that, as was inferred in my original post, and I don't need you to point that out.

You are again patronising by telling me that I have no idea what he feels - when I have already said that this is something we have talked about. We managed some healing as young adults. We each have some awareness of each others experiences.

I have empathy for him, and my other siblings and I am more than capable of considering other people's experiences. That's something perhaps you might want to learn yourself, as it is a skill you certainly don't evidence here.

Please stop transferring your own pop psychology about your family onto mine.

If I were to tell my siblings what happened in my parents house they would be horrified. People protect their siblings, they shut them out, they shut them down often because they love them but dont know how to fix things and are sad about the shared difficulties they had. You can find it patronising if you wish but this is an open forum and you asked a question and will get a variety of replies. Some you wont like. Thats fine. All the best.

Nat6999 · 18/10/2022 23:45

Me, there are 6 years between me & my brother (I am the eldest) We were really close as kids & carried on like that until I divorced & since then I have noticed that we have grown apart. Sil isn't close to her family & took a dislike to me around the time ds was born. I can understand part of this as they were having fertility problems & had to have IVF, it must have been upsetting for them when I got pregnant not long after I got married. I have twin nephew & niece that I hardly know despite living no more than 10 minutes away from, I looked forward to becoming an auntie & always hoped that I would be close to my brother's children, I love my brother a lot & when anything happens to my mum he & my niece & nephew will be the only family I will have except for ds. I miss my brother terribly.

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