How to leave abusive relationship when you have no support, have anxiety and feel stuck

[Anxiousmammy22]

I was married for 10 years, 2 children. My husband had an affair and left me for the other woman. 5 years down the line and I have been in another relationship for 4 years now. After about 18 months it became abusive. I found out he cheated and I begged him to stay. Since then the abuse started. Swearing, name calling, moaning about the children, controlling to name a few. I want out but can’t find the strength to leave. Part of me still loves him. He swept me off my feet after ex husband when I was at an all time low. First 18 months were amazing although looking back I think there were a few red flags. But I chose to ignore them like an idiot as I just wanted my life to have some love and excitement in it again. He was my support for the first year or so. But I have found out he is not a good man. He was violent to his ex, but not to me. But I am very passive and do not like to argue. We rent together with my children. I have savings from my divorce in my name. But I cannot find the strength to leave. My doctor has given me sertraline as I have anxiety, he said if I can treat the anxiety it will help me to leave? Is this true? I haven’t started taking them yet. In the new year I have thought of paying for therapy, would this help me to leave? I think my main issues are I hate change, have anxiety, have no family support, no close friends, I am tired from caring for my demanding children, I’m so worn down and suffer health problems. I have OCD. I suspect co dependency or a personality disorder as the thought of separating makes me physically unwell with sickness. I cannot control my emotions. I wish someone would come in and help me. But I know that’s impossible. How can I get the strength to leave? Even thinking that it’s best for my children doesn’t help me as I’m so worn down by life and struggle with anxiety and the thought of leaving makes the anxiety worse. How do I see light at the end of the tunnel? Who can I turn to for help?

My doctor has given me sertraline as I have anxiety, he said if I can treat the anxiety it will help me to leave? Is this true?
It can be yes. The sertraline will numb emotions and leave you to think logically.

Who name is the rented house in?

The house is in joint names it’s just rented.

I have enough savings to put 12 months rent on something else by myself. I think practically I could sort things out although maybe I’m not thinking rationally. I think it’s the anxiety and the emotional side that’s stopping me.

I am going to give the sertraline a try. I guess I’ve been worrying that it will make it more tolerable for me to stay. But I’m in a constant state of anxiety.

I feel totally on my own and feel like I don’t have the strength to get out of this situation alone.

4 months ago I could have written this myself, he was very emotionally abusive. I tried to leave and he convinced me that was better with him and that I couldn't cope or live without him, he even convinced my whole family! But I did it even with my anxiety niggling my brain telling me maybe it will get better just stay.. ive suffered with anxiety for 12 years. its easy for people to say just leave but it's never ever that easy unfortunately. Since I left, my anxiety has gotten soo much better, I have 3 DC the youngest being 11 months old at the time and I've noticed how much better I am for them too. I won't lie, it's so hard at first but once you adjust I can't even explain how much I enjoy everyday life now! I was with him for a very long time. 13 years. Hope your OK and don't be so hard on yourself

Why not, in private and so that he can't see, gather some info in a 'theoretical' way?
So, for example - IF you were to get a place of your own, where might that be and how much? In theory.
IF you decided to leave, who might you get to help you with moving stuff, when might that happen? In theory.
If you do it like that for now, you might come to be less worried about it. You're making a theoretical plan but you only have to put it into practice when you're ready.

Start taking the sertraline. It'll help lift the fog in your brain.
Break down the process of leaving into separate steps.
Talk to your Shelter and your landlord about taking over the tenancy, or ending it if this is not possible.
And keep your eye on the prize - a contented life with your children 💐

Could the sertraline make me feel worse to begin with?

jesterstear funnily enough I have started doing that. I have thought I could pay 12 months for a nice Airbnb if I needed too, I could hand in a months notice on the tenancy after I have left or ask him to take it over. I could use a removal company to collect my things and put them into storage. And I could tell the children we are moving out for a while for re-decorating and then once settled tell them I’ve decided to stay in the air bnb. I thinks it’s the emotional side I’m struggling with. It feels a lot of effort and half of me still loves him. Last time I had a relationship breakdown I ended up bed bound and couldn’t care for the children. Luckily my parents stepped in but they are no longer able. I ended up on diazepam for 2 months before I could function again. I am so emotionally week and so full of anxiety it’s awful. I’ve always been this way I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

sophieable were you the one to leave or did you tell him to leave?

i could just tell him it’s not working and he needs to find somewhere else to live but my anxiety won’t let me do this I feel like I will throw up and feel dizzy when I try. I feel I would just have to up and leave to avoid any confrontation.

I did this when I was younger. I had severe anxiety at the time, nightly panic attacks and was afraid of being alone at night. I didn’t think I could do it but the relationship got so abusive that I had to. I had no support whatsoever… no family, no close friends, no professional involvement.

It wasn’t easy at first, I won’t lie, but it also wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Listening to talk radio or podcasts on helped me massively. Nothing in particular, just the sound of voices helped the anxiety. I would fall asleep at night with radio 4 on. I also joined a book club and made a good friend, which helped a lot. I quickly adapted and you will too. You just have to. You find strength you never knew existed. You have the benefit of a GP who knows the situation. See if they can signpost you to any local services. Try Women’s Aid as well, they might be able to help.