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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I encourage her to leave?

7 replies

BettySueHoo · 18/10/2022 11:20

My best friend since childhood has been in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship for a decade. She's always had depression and had highs and lows, but she was low when she met him and moved him in straight away. Things were okay with them for the first 2 or 3 years but then he got fired and has declined working ever since which has put her tens of thousands in debt. They have rent debt, utility debt, you name it. He will always have an excuse for why he can't work, and she got to a place where she stopped asking because it was met with abusive language. She decided to leave him 5 years ago, they don't have children together or any pets but everything else is joint, the house, bills, debts, and she doesn't want to leave him with nothing, and she doesn't know how she would only pay for her debts and not his half. She doesn't want to take anti depressants as she doesn't react well to them, I have suggested therapy but she's worried about what he will say or that he will find out. I can see that she's a shell of the woman she once was, and I have offered her my spare bedroom, I have offered to find and book a therapist, I can help her move her things out of the house in less than a day. I don't know what else to do to help.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 18/10/2022 11:25

He's abusive and she's in debt. She could contact CAB for debt advice and Woman's Aid for help leaving the relationship? Is it her house? Is it owned or rented? If she stays with him things will get even worse and the debts will increase. He's using her.

RebelliousStarrChild · 18/10/2022 11:26

Are they actually married?

litterbird · 18/10/2022 11:30

Its incredibly frustrating seeing a friend go through this. She is stuck in a very dark place and only she can make that leap out of it. She may well leave only to go back. Its the merry go round of abusive relationships. All you can do is be there for her, listen to her and hold her hand if or when she decides enough is enough. My advise to you is try not to get too emotionally involved in all of this too as it can take over your life a bit. I have recently had to step away a tad from someone going through similar but for 20 years of leaving and returning only for it to get worse each time she returns. She will need you OP one day when she sees the light and you can be of enormous help to her as her best friend x

BettySueHoo · 18/10/2022 11:35

Not married only cohabiting but they dont share a bedroom or ever spend time together in the same room. She would never want to go to women's aid she doesn't want a fuss or anything like that, even though she is being abused and she is aware of this. They are joint tenants of the house they have been renting for maybe 7 years. I know her like a sister I know she really does want to leave she has been done with him for years, it feels like she's stuck in quicksand and I'm trying to help her out but the more she struggles the more she gets buried.

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 18/10/2022 11:58

I have great sympathy for you as I went through something like this with a close relative many years ago.

The other posters have all given good advice. However, depending on how involved you want to get I do have a suggestion.

I have been married for a long time to someone who is emotionally abusive. My self confidence and self esteem is very low. I have effectively handed over all the power in the marriage, and have become very passive. After therapy I am now divorcing.

What I would love, love love, is for someone to take me by the hand and sort my life out. I know this is too much of an ask and I don’t have anyone close enough to do this.

Perhaps you can get the ball rolling by calling CAB re the debts yourself. Set up an appointment and go with her.

There are all sorts of reasons not to do this, she may in fact not want this and your friendships may suffer. You may be opening yourself up to relentless and thankless task.

But you did ask what more you could do.

ringsaglitter · 18/10/2022 13:31

I want you as my friend lol. CAB for debt advice. How about having her over for dinner, and suggesting her not "leave" her partner, but stay in your spare room for a few days for some "space". It's a slower break that just up and packing.

Anxiousmammy22 · 18/10/2022 13:40

The above is a good idea. I am in an abusive relationship and I would love to have a friend to help me. Saying to come for a few nights for a break would be good and give her time to talk. I wish I had someone like you in my life.

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