My child is traumatised don’t know what to do

[BananaCocktails]

I kicked out my ex partner 4 months ago as he was physically and emotionally abusive toward me . One time he was on top of me hitting me and my DD 6 at the time jumped on his back to get him off . That was the last straw

Today her friend after school told her that my DD’s daddy is her stepdaddy . And she asked if that meant am I a step mummy to her
I asked the little girl if my DD daddy lives with her - as I was a bit shocked and she said yes
she then told my daughter that her and my ex partner often play pillow fights and watch tv together

The mum over heard this and said that my ex is just a very good friend . I didn’t believe this , as the little girl looked very serious when she said it .. If he is living with another child and mum from school I feel I should have known as this was a nasty way for it to come out
my DD was in tears, she literally sank to the floor with her head in her hands
she refused dinner and has hardly spoken just quietly playing with her toys
at the moment she has woken up with tears in her eyes just staring so I’m rocking her to sleep

For back story since I kicked him out He only comes to visit her ( she’s now 7) once a week or less for an hour at a time “ because he’s tired “ he refuses to take her anywhere he does not spend time with her when here - he sits on my sofa on his phone - I’ve asked him not to sit in the house- to actually take her somewhere he says no. My DD often says she does not want to see her dad and the one time he had her over night at his mums he brought her back home at 11pm stating she was crying to see me

He started a new job six months ago and said he can’t help pick her up from school anymore as his job doesn’t allow it - again I don’t believe this and I’ve now had to pay extra after school club

he told us he was living with his mum- i can’t believe he wouldn’t have mentioned this . My DD plays with the other girl at clubs so why he thought this wouldn’t come out is beyond me she is extremely hurt and I can tell feels rejected
she’s witnessed him abuse me now she feels rejected and hurt as if she isnt enough

how on earth do I fix her feelings ? He denies everything of course but didn’t even call to speak to her - she must have felt second best I feel so sorry for her I imagine in that moment she felt rejected and hurt esp as he doesn’t really see her I hope my daughter rejection doesn’t damage her in any way ?

over the months he has send me multiple abusive texts calling me a slag and whore as he mistook my cousin for a boyfriend when h was shopping one day - even sent photos of us that either he or someone else took and said I’m not allowed a man in my house with my daughter here .. it all feels like too much I know this warrants cutting him off but I want my child to know her dad

today I had a biopsy and I’ve got painful stitches in my head I can’t deal with all this
I was thinking of cutting contact with him until she’s ready - should I ??

Please make a Clare's Law request to the police for this other woman. You can do it as a concerned member of the public and ask to remain anonymous. Did you ever report him? Others before you may have.

Cutting contact is not that easy. He may get court ordered contact if he applies. Whilst things are improving, the courts are still not great at dealing with DV. Evidentially how would you seek to demonstrate the abuse, eg police reports, photos etc? How does DD feel about seeing him? If it is distressing for her, the court would want that to be investigated but again the focus may fall on how the relationship can be safely rehabilitated.

Is it the contact per se that is distressing her, or the very clumsy way in which she discovered his relationship with her friend? If you stopped contact, how would it impact your DD if her friend continues to rave about her new SF?

Oh, OP. I have no advice but what an awful situation. I can understand your being heartbroken for your little girl. All you can do now, I think, is model what he isn't. You can't fix it but you can be the reliable constant who loves her and centres her no matter what. You can show her that great parents are possible too and that she deserves one.
Exhausting and crushing for you though, I am certain. Sending strength and un-Mumsnetty hugs.

You can't fix her feelings, but you can help her heal over time.

You did a great thing by making her home safe. What a great role model you are as you are teaching her not to put up with violence.

I think you need specialist advice, charities who support women must have resources for women in your position - there are so many families dealing with this - but in general just try to be calm, safe, reliable and gently honest.

I would not encourage contact, personally, with a violent wife beater.

I don't see why you have to let him into your house at all, even to visit DD. Your home should be a safe retreat for both you and her.

Not sure I'd encourage contact at all as it sounds far too traumatic and DD seems to be indicating that she isn't keen. Get legal advice, or specialist advice from a charity such as Women's Aid.

Thankyou for all your replies xx I’m just so upset for her and fed up of his abusive demeanour

Thankyou x

I don't see why you would even want her to know her dad when he is abusive. Also not being funny - yes it was horrible for her to find out that way but he was never going to tell you. Honestly, they really may just be friends. Kids always talk rubbish and get things mixed up. My friends son told everyone in his class his dad was Ed Sheeran, then a few months later that his dad was dead (he isn't he just lives abroad). Another friends child told her classmates she was Nigerian and they spoke Nigerian at home all the time never English. The family are white British and have no ties to Nigeria!! I could go on. These kids are around the same age (7/8).

I would stop worrying about what he is or isn't doing and just not have him around. He shouldn't be sitting on your sofa and if your daughter doesn't want him around her why are you forcing her? Youre traumatising her further. Concentrate on your daughter, what she wants and reassure her which I'm sure you are doing. Make things nice for her and just get on with it without him.

Exactly this. Wise words

If he is not your husband, he has no right to tell you who you can have visit you in your home. Cousin, boyfriend, milkman, anyone you want to have can visit you.
Also, unless he has part ownership of the house, you do not have to let him visit DD at your home. If he can't take her for a walk, or to the park, or out to McDonald's then he misses the visit.
It would be better for her emotionally not to see him under the circumstances.
I have never understood why people think a cold, cruel, disinterested, unreliable father is so much better than no father at all? I have never heard any adult say
"I am so glad my mother forced me to see my father every week. Even though he always told me I was ugly, stupid, a slag like my mother, I am so glad I had that contact."

If he wants visitation let him make the effort. Give your DD a safe and peaceful home with one parent who won't lie to her or abandon her.

For back story since I kicked him out He only comes to visit her ( she’s now 7) once a week or less for an hour at a time “ because he’s tired “ he refuses to take her anywhere he does not spend time with her when here - he sits on my sofa on his phone - I’ve asked him not to sit in the house- to actually take her somewhere he says no. My DD often says she does not want to see her dad and the one time he had her over night at his mums he brought her back home at 11pm stating she was crying to see me

FFS OP. Stop letting him in the house.
Start listening to your child - she does not want to see him yet you are forcing this unhelpful & dispiriting weekly contact.

Why do you want a physically & emotionally abusive man in DD's life?
He won't do her any good. He's already letting her down. She can have other adult male role models in her life - teachers, relatives, hobby/sports leaders.

You would both be better off losing him from your lives.
He's still controlling you.
Just drop the rope, tell him he is not allowed contact at your house because you will no longer tolerate him in your home, don't chase him for contact or pro-actively facilitate any arrangements & you'll probably find that he stops bothering.

You need to seek counselling or play therapy for her. You can't fix this. She has witnessed domestic violence and now rejection in a cruel form. This goes beyond the scope of you trying to help her. You both need professional help. He sounds toxic and I'm glad you're rid of him.

One thing you could say to her is that not every parent is a good parent and that it's not the child's fault when the adults she gets given let her down or are awful. Get her to have a worry jar where she writes down on scraps of paper, things that are playing on her mind and you can deal with one per night together to talk about. Big Bag of Worries is a good book to have too.
Get her talking, keeping all those experiences inside is what will cause problems. Be honest. Be reassuring. Gosh she is brave, intervening when you were getting hurt. She did a great thing and you did by ending the relationship. Now you two stick together and put him aside. His problems are not hers to sort out or worry about, tell her he needs to fix himself and become a better person and a better dad and if he can't do that, then he doesn't deserve her.

@Carouselfish Thankyou for the advice that worry Jar sounds amazing

Thankyou all