Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel really hurt by this.

52 replies

Bonniewann · 17/10/2022 23:09

I don't know if I'm over reacting because I'm pulling back from this friendship lately.

Friend has mobility issues, sore joints and such, she's overweight and lives in a flat with no lift. She's depressed and the Dr thinks she may have something wrong in terms of her painful joints.

Anyways I came round today to help her. Spend a good 6 hours doing one room. She's a hoarder I guess. I did around a dozen trips down multiple flights of stairs with rubbish. Organised everything. Cleaned her windows. Dusted and cleaned. Hoovered.

It's was exhausting.

In her kitchen was a really cool, ornate bowl from Tkmaxx for Halloween. I said ooh I love it, she replied that she hasn't even used it and probably won't. I said "ill buy its off you! I'll give you twenty quid" (was joking and laughing knowing she paid £10 for it)
When I'm getting ready to leave she brings the bowl in and asks me if I want it. I thought it was a present for helping but she asks for £20. I say no thanks and she drops to £15

I feel really upset. I didn't want anything for helping and didn't expect anything at all, but to help and then her try to sell me something on way out?! At an inflated price?

It's not a money thing, I borrow her money when needed and she wouldn't hesitate to ask if she needed it.

The kicker was half the stuff we decorated the room with once cleaned was stuff that I gave her when I changed my decor. For free of course!

Just feel like a bit of a mug.

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 18/10/2022 01:01

Maybe she was out of sorts! Hoarders have a horrible time emotionally letting go of things and maybe her head wasn’t right?

she should have just given it to you since she wasn’t going to use it, but she might not be thinking correctly….

Original poster
Bonniewann · 18/10/2022 08:04

JustKittenAround · 18/10/2022 01:01

Maybe she was out of sorts! Hoarders have a horrible time emotionally letting go of things and maybe her head wasn’t right?

she should have just given it to you since she wasn’t going to use it, but she might not be thinking correctly….

I don't think she's that kind of hoarder. Not the collecting things emotionally.

That was probably the wrong word. It LOOKED like a hoarding situation because she couldn't take any boxes or large items down to the bins for months and months. So pikes of cereal boxes, boxes that parcels had arrived in etc

She had zero emotional attachment to anything we got rid of and was happy to see it all go

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 18/10/2022 08:13

I imagine the borrow/lend ‘confusion’ upthread was somewhat faux.

Original poster
Bonniewann · 18/10/2022 08:18

AutumnCrow · 18/10/2022 08:13

I imagine the borrow/lend ‘confusion’ upthread was somewhat faux.

Not paying any attention to that 😂

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 18/10/2022 08:24

AutumnCrow · 18/10/2022 08:13

I imagine the borrow/lend ‘confusion’ upthread was somewhat faux.

Yep, some people just love to have a dig don't they.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 18/10/2022 08:52

'Borrow and lend are interchangeable in some parts of the UK' 😂 definitely not true..it's pretty basic English.

monsteramunch · 18/10/2022 08:56

IWasFunBeforeMum · 18/10/2022 08:52

'Borrow and lend are interchangeable in some parts of the UK' 😂 definitely not true..it's pretty basic English.

For goodness' sake. How about the following if you're going to be so fixated on this?

"Borrow and lend are used interchangeably in some parts of the UK"

People on the thread have explained that they know of people using them interchangeably. You can think it's incorrect usage, but you can't think it isn't a fact that usage occurs.

Maybe head over to Pedants' Corner and start a discussion about it there?

Original poster
Bonniewann · 18/10/2022 08:57

If you were fun before becoming a mum does that mean you didn't try and put people down for simple grammatical errors back then? Maybe you should go return to that. It's not a 'fun' trait. Just a thought.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2022 08:58

You were already pulling back from her - sensible - and this is the thanks you get for helping her. I’d take it as sign and leave her to it. Not your responsibility she’s got no one else, they probably saw the light about her using ways.

monsteramunch · 18/10/2022 09:06

Bonniewann · 18/10/2022 08:57

If you were fun before becoming a mum does that mean you didn't try and put people down for simple grammatical errors back then? Maybe you should go return to that. It's not a 'fun' trait. Just a thought.

😂

I like the cut of your jib, Bonnie!

Badbaddogagain · 18/10/2022 09:06

You sound lovely OP. I’m afraid though that your ‘friend’ is just a user. ‘Helping friends out’ in my experience stops at giving advice - no money changes hands, and no cleaning takes place! There’s a reason she has no-one in her life. Please step away from her completely now.

JoanCandy · 18/10/2022 09:33

You're a good 'un, OP and your friend is lucky to know you.
I'd do as others have also suggested and take a step back now.

Naunet · 18/10/2022 12:49

What a cheeky sod! Don’t help her again OP, and frankly, I’d tell her why and that you were offended and insulted, it gives her a chance to reflect on her behaviour and an opportunity to try and make it up to you.
Its no wonder she has no one else to help if she treats people like that.

orbitalcrisis · 18/10/2022 13:06

In this circumstance I would give her the benefit of the doubt and just say that she didn't realise why you were laughing about what you said. Going forward, just remember to be more obvious, if you're joking, say, 'Just kidding! I could get my own for £10!'

I can understand why it feels like she's using you, but not everyone realises when they are asking too much. I am autistic and consider myself pretty good at these things, but sometimes I mess up and when I'm told/realise I am mortified! I tend to go too far the other way now, just in case, and end up being used rather than being the user! It doesn't make me feel any better but at least I know I can't be considered to be the one in the wrong.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 22/10/2022 10:08

She didn't offer the bowl to you as a present because it jus hasn't occurred to her that you deserve one.

The relationship you have is of you doing things for her -including lending money- and you laughing together.

She is happy with that and so assumes your part in this makes you happy too.

I can see how she has ended up alone!

Are you happy with being so completely unappreciated? Is she the charity you have elected to volunteer for...

Coffeetree · 22/10/2022 10:15

Bonniewann · 17/10/2022 23:39

Because she literally has noone else. Not a single person in her life.

Show quote history

Yeah I wonder why.

I mean, poor thing, she either has really poor social skills or is so unwell it's affecting her cognitive function. Either way, not so nice for you.

Pull back a bit. You have to take care of yourself too.

Cleotolstoy · 23/10/2022 10:53

You're a people pleaser. You over extend yourself to help others because your self worth is too closely tied to how much you do for your people. This probably traces back to unavailable/cold/critical caregivers. Problem is you now feel resentful. It's your job to know your limits. Have a read about codependancy. Your friend probably needs some support from social services if she is struggling to keep on top of her home.

Worthyornot · 23/10/2022 11:06

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 17/10/2022 23:31

You do far too much for that woman. She's not a friend, she's a user.

I would never help her again. What a nasty user.

Original poster
Bonniewann · 23/10/2022 11:29

She is diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar.

Her whole personality has now become this 'diagnosis' of fibromilgia that isn't actually a diagnosis. The Dr said it MAY be fibro. But I think she is sore because she is 20 stone and 5ft2

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonniewann · 23/10/2022 11:52

I'm not disregarding Fibro, my mum has it.

My friend just attaches onto things. One day her whole personality will be about reading because a new friend is a book worm, them she will be all about crystals. Her friend has fibro and she's focused on this lately and now is having 'rails and adaptions' made to her flat

OP posts:
Cleotolstoy · 23/10/2022 12:30

The attaching herself to different things quickly is very much a part of bpd. You don't seem to like her and that's okay you don't have to but you wouldn't want a friend who didn't like you would you? If she's in the process of adaptations I'm guessing ss are also assessing her for care needs in terms of a cleaner?

billy1966 · 23/10/2022 12:37

Azandme · 18/10/2022 00:01

I wonder why...

Show quote history

Agreed.

She is a user that you LEND money to.

Stop being a mug OP, because you are being one.

Original poster
Bonniewann · 23/10/2022 12:52

I'll continue to say 'borrow' as that's what I've been brought up with, that's what said around here. Anyone in my friends and family circle would understand what o was saying and they would say borrow too.

It may be grammatically incorrect but it's just one of those local area things and I'm not going to change it now after 40 years.

OP posts:
ViolinPin · 23/10/2022 14:42

I can understand how the miscommunication came about.

DevilDog · 23/10/2022 14:47

If you made the bowl a prize ...

You could have won her