Weird to not meet anyone in partner’s life?

[Pegasus41]

One year into our relationship and my dp has started telling his friends and family about me. We both have young children from previous marriages & the kids aren’t included in the relationship yet as he’s going through a difficult divorce, and my kids’ father has terminal cancer with not very much longer, sadly, to live. So I’m on board with waiting re the kids. But he has met my best friend and been out with my cousin a few times. I however have met no one in his life. He says he’s very serious about us, hopes we can live together in the future & that he loves me very much. He’s also super supportive & helpful with practical stuff in my life, not involving the kids, but I’m struggling a bit with how unintegrated the relationship is into the rest of our lives. I feel kinda upset he’s only just telling his friends & family about me, and I worry that this version of the relationship where we don’t hang out with any friends or family together could go on for longer than I’m happy with. AIBU?

I had an ex that string me along like this for five years . Excuse after excuse as to why I hadn’t been introduced to anyone yet .
it was basically because he had no intention of family or friends knowing me as he never saw me as serious :long:term

i finally saw the light and ended it .
i would be very wary of someone who keeps you a secret . Why is he not proud to show you off ?

Surely if he's now telling his friends and family about you, he's planning on you meeting them? Do either of you have birthdays coming up or anything like that where you could combine a celebration with meeting some of them?

Yeah, he told his sister “you’ll meet her soon”.
Though about a month ago he said he wants me to start meeting his friends, but it still hasn’t happened. I think maybe he moves at a very slow pace with this stuff, and clearly has trust issues. He keeps joking that I’m only with him because I’m going through such a hard time with my kids’ Dad dying, and that when I’ve got through that I’ll be off. I recently joined a gym and he joked, that’s where you’ll meet your real partner. He’s very wrong as I’m really serious about him. Kind of wanting it to be more normal now.

Well when you're hiding your relationship from your kids it's not very practical to start involving the rest of the family sooner.

Is his divorce driving down his self esteem, sounds like he's finding it difficult to accept you're serious.

Instead of letting him control the narrative, can you be a bit more proactive. Ie. Mention about meeting his sister, and suggest she comes around to yours for a meal or takeaway, or you could all meet in Costa for a drink. Same with friends.

The comment about being with him due to the ex being Ill is a bit nasty and not very supportive (sending hugs at this difficult time).

Shouldn't your priority be on helping your own children come to terms with the imminent death of their father? Perhaps your new partner feels awkward. Plenty of time to start blending families and meeting his side.

@BigFatLiar yes, I think so, and also has low self-esteem anyway, connected to childhood abuse, so I do understand he has trust issues. Perhaps I need to talk to him about that more seriously. I’ve tried to reassure him when he makes these jokes, loads of times.

I think maybe he moves at a very slow pace with this stuff, and clearly has trust issues. He keeps joking that I’m only with him because I’m going through such a hard time with my kids’ Dad dying, and that when I’ve got through that I’ll be off. I recently joined a gym and he joked, that’s where you’ll meet your real partner.

Oh, you know what, actually I couldn't be arsed with this. He sounds like he'll be a pain in the arse about you doing anything independently later on, and the uncertainty he's creating is laying the foundations for you to be constantly anxious and proving yourself to him. I don't like the sound of him.

No, if he has those issues, he needs therapy.

You've got your own stuff to deal with, your kids need you - don't become this guy's support human.

Firstly I am sorry your ex is suffering, that must be terrible for your children and for yourself. Your new man is very insecure. I was with someone who constantly told me that I was going to go off with someone if I went to the new gym I had just joined, or, I would soon be swept off my feet at work and didn't believe I was going to stay with him. It was exhausting trying to prove to him I wanted to be with him and reassuring him every time I went out without him. He is stalling because he does not believe at all that you are going to be long term with him. He also will be looking at the fact that your ex wont be around soon so he will eventually become more of a father figure to them if your relationship moves on. Personally, with all that is going on with your family right now I would take a break from your new beau and concentrate on what is going to be a very difficult time with your children. You will need to support your children through this very challenging time and will need all the energy you have. Look after yourself and your children, do not give any more energy to someone who zaps it with his low self esteem and musings of you will leave him soon.

Thanks, I realise that I feel that this hiding of us has been more on his inclination/ terms than mine. While some of the reasons are understandable, and I still want to be careful re the children, I feel I should maybe say to him that I just want the relationship to be more normal in this regard, and that if he’s not ready for that, or needs more time to process and integrate the end of his marriage first, then maybe we can’t be together right now. Though I’m afraid to do that, as I love him very much and could do without the heartache of not seeing him…

Because you love him you're not seeing that the comments he has made are huge red flags, probably worse than him hiding you from his friends and family.

This.

He's a dickhead OP. I can't believe he's making those comments.

He can't be supportive when your ex passes with the way he's currently behaving.

4 years I went through exactly the same thing!
He was eating at mine every night. Met my whole family and friends.
I was practically begging to meet his family and friends after 4 years of being told "soon" I gave up and ended it in July this year.
He has not contacted once to try and make it work. So it goes to show, he had no intention of introducing me to anyone special to him.
OP don't waste anymore years away on this man

SOOOO many red flags here. For a start, I don't think he's separated, never mind divorced. You sound like the OW to me. I bet you're not on his social media and he can only talk to you when he's "not with the kids".

But also all the "I had a traumatic past so now I have trust issues" is just a brilliant way to ensure you get all the control and power: Don't want to do something? "sorry, it' just that I'm so traumatised by my past so that scares me". Don't want to commit more? "I do love you but I'm so traumatised that commitment is a huge step for me".

Also, as your ex is dying and that is obviously very traumatic, another red flag is that he's specifically targeted you because your'e vulnerable and therefore more easy to control.

I'd tell him that if you don't meet his family immediately you're out of there.