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Original poster

Contact at my house

54 replies

SpinningFloppa · 17/10/2022 19:50

Does anyone allow their ex to come to their house for contact? Most people seem to be against it but what if it was the only way for them to have contact then is it really that bad? Surely the children getting to see their father is better? Does anyone allow this and if so do you stay out of the way in another room etc or go out?

OP posts:
Theskyisfallingdown · 18/10/2022 17:58

Wow, what a loser he is. How come he made children (plural) that he can’t be bothered with? Are you not angry?

category12 · 18/10/2022 17:59

It makes it a bit different if he's a lazy bastard who can only be arsed with his kids if you bend over backwards to accommodate him.

But then I suppose it's for the kids benefit. 🤔

I definitely go out tho (if he can be trusted not to mess with your privacy) so you don't end up doing the parenting while he's there as well.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 18/10/2022 18:38

Theskyisfallingdown · 18/10/2022 17:58

Wow, what a loser he is. How come he made children (plural) that he can’t be bothered with? Are you not angry?

I wasted enough time being angry. Being angry isn’t going to get me anywhere though

OP posts:
Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 18:47

If he can't be bothered to take them out, then what makes you think his motivation/effort will be any different if he sees them at yours?
Going out to an activity - food/park/bowling or whatever (assuming he's not destitute) is an easier way of entertaining children than being at home with them. If he cba, how is he going to interact/talk/entertain them?

I'd be really wary that he'll either rely on you to encourage the children to talk to him, or hell expect to just sit around your house watching the TV/internet and think that constitutes quality time. The problem with that is once you've agreed to the arrangement it's difficult to end it without looking like the bad guy to your kids.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 18/10/2022 19:01

He doesn’t find it easier to take them out. He took them to the park for 45 mins and brought them home because “they wanted to come home” I asked them why and they said they didn’t, our children have sen though so I don’t think he find it’s easy taking them out. I won’t stay I will go out and leave them to it even if it’s to sit in a cafe!

OP posts:
Proteinpudding · 18/10/2022 20:19

@SpinningFloppa I'm not saying HE finds it easier to take them out, but it IS easier (unless there's something specific like having a child where SEN means having a contained familiar environment is important)

At an activity children will generally have distractions they enjoy, stuff to do, things that please them. At home HE will have to make all the effort - to talk to them, to play with them, keep them entertained, keep them busy. That part is harder, and that's the bit that I find suspect about your post. I can't help but think you'd come home and find he's stuck them on an iPad for an hour while he's been checking his phone.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 18/10/2022 20:41

My STBEXH only really sees the children at my (formerly our) home. He flat shares and im not letting him take the kids there and he doesn't have a vehicle large enough to take them anywhere. When the weather was better he took them to the park for an hour but last few times it's been at the house whilst I go to the shops.
I don't enjoy it to be honest. I find it uncomfortable not least because he barely acknowledges my presence. But the kids prefer it. It's only for an hour so at least I can get things done if it was any longer than I most likely refuse

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 18/10/2022 20:46

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 18/10/2022 20:41

My STBEXH only really sees the children at my (formerly our) home. He flat shares and im not letting him take the kids there and he doesn't have a vehicle large enough to take them anywhere. When the weather was better he took them to the park for an hour but last few times it's been at the house whilst I go to the shops.
I don't enjoy it to be honest. I find it uncomfortable not least because he barely acknowledges my presence. But the kids prefer it. It's only for an hour so at least I can get things done if it was any longer than I most likely refuse

Thank you this is the same for my ex HMO, I don’t want my children going there, my ex doesn’t drive so everywhere he takes the children needs to be on public transport, we don’t have much to do in the local area.

OP posts:
anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 19/10/2022 05:54

@SpinningFloppa

I use the time to get the "big" shop done at the supermarket so I'm out of the house. It annoys me to be in the house watching him play at being super daddy when in reality he is far from it. If it was 2 hours I'd maybe get my hair done or see a friend or something but he's certainly not spending half the day or a full day here.

tribpot · 19/10/2022 06:05

If he can't be arsed taking the kids out, I wouldn't hold out much hope of any high quality parenting being done at your house either. I would expect it to consist of eating your food and running up your energy bill watching your TV. Maybe your kids get something out of this contract, maybe they don't. But you may well get so pissed off that you can't tolerate it any more, and then the story becomes how you denied him access.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/10/2022 06:15

Mine does
once a week (occasionally twice) my partner and I go out and stay somewhere else which we really enjoy (though we are lucky to have that option) and XH stays at ours with DS.
it works because XH is not abusive towards me and respects our space. He doesn't live somewhere suitable to have DS overnight at the moment and DS doesn't like going anyway whenever he has lived in nicer house shares for example.
it works for us but wouldn't work for everyone.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 19/10/2022 18:05

He doesn’t need to be father of the year and quite honestly never will be but I’m guessing the ones so against it aren’t alone with their children full time with no family and no ex involved? If it’s a choice between him seeing them or not seeing them at all then I know which one I will pick, I’m glad to hear it’s worked out for others, not everyone is in a position to have their kids at their house so sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation.

OP posts:
anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 19/10/2022 19:37

It's interesting to see the amount of XH in house shares etc mine could go and get a flat himself he just clearly can't be bothered and so moved into a friends spare room

KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 19:40

SpinningFloppa · 17/10/2022 21:05

Thanks for the comments but it’s either that or he doesn’t see them at all so just trying to find the best way to make it work and hoping to hear from some that have made it work.

Why can't he take them out? Or to his place?

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 19/10/2022 19:42

KettrickenSmiled · 19/10/2022 19:40

Why can't he take them out? Or to his place?

Show quote history

He lives in a hmo I don’t want my children there and luckily he doesn’t want to take them there either. We’ve tried him taking them out but it didn’t work for various reasons.

OP posts:
Username112233 · 29/10/2022 10:08

Looking for a bit of advice here folks

Ex picks son up from school until I'm home from work (5pm roughly) and keeps him at marital home, despite ex moving out recently to stay with his mum. Son has a room at his grand house. I felt this was best for our son as he got to have his friends over etc after school as usual

The issue is that it's not working for me, and I feel as though he's got me over a barrel as he is still contributing to household bills. There has been instances where the level of disrespect shown in the house is not acceptable, I've made him aware of this and he is downplaying it saying I am being dramatic.

Would I be unreasonable telling him that moving forward I now wish for him to take our son to his mums? Expecting a lot of backlash, please be kind

drspouse · 29/10/2022 10:11

SpinningFloppa · 17/10/2022 21:39

No he won’t take them out to places we tried that and it didn’t work.

Wouldn't or couldn't?
If he CBA then I imagine he'll be the same at your house.
Get him to book a contact centre.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/10/2022 10:13

Username112233 · 29/10/2022 10:08

Looking for a bit of advice here folks

Ex picks son up from school until I'm home from work (5pm roughly) and keeps him at marital home, despite ex moving out recently to stay with his mum. Son has a room at his grand house. I felt this was best for our son as he got to have his friends over etc after school as usual

The issue is that it's not working for me, and I feel as though he's got me over a barrel as he is still contributing to household bills. There has been instances where the level of disrespect shown in the house is not acceptable, I've made him aware of this and he is downplaying it saying I am being dramatic.

Would I be unreasonable telling him that moving forward I now wish for him to take our son to his mums? Expecting a lot of backlash, please be kind

If you start your own thread you will get much more responses as I don’t think many people are going to see this on here. Not unreasonable to request that though.

OP posts:
drspouse · 29/10/2022 10:15

Actually, you know what?
Why doesn't he come once a week and make tea, do bedtime. You can go to the supermarket, or have dinner in a café (even just at ASDA), or go to the pub for a coke with a book or your tablet and earphones.
You give him a time to put them in bed by and come home for a final kiss goodnight.
And see how long that lasts!

Username112233 · 29/10/2022 10:25

That's a great jdea@drspouse

Thanks @SpinningFloppa, I'll start a new thread

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 29/10/2022 10:27

Can’t and won’t I would say, our children have sen my daughter has very challenging behaviour and I don’t think he can cope with her and I don’t particularly trust him due to past behaviours like when he took them to the cinema and left them all in the cinema alone whilst he went to the toilet, my daughter is autistic and she can not be left alone She needs constant supervision.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 29/10/2022 10:32

Username112233 · 29/10/2022 10:25

That's a great jdea@drspouse

Thanks @SpinningFloppa, I'll start a new thread

It's a terrible idea @Username112233 - why would you give him carte blanche for even MORE intrusion into your home?

There has been instances where the level of disrespect shown in the house is not acceptable, I've made him aware of this and he is downplaying it saying I am being dramatic.
He is using your home, & your reaction, as a way of continuing to have control over you, post-separation.
He is DARVO'ing you by telling you how you are allowed to respond to his lack of respect - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Tell him you are not interested in his feedback on your opinion of his behaviour, remind him whose house it is, & tell him he no longer gets to enter it.

SD1978 · 29/10/2022 10:45

You seem to feel this is your only option- so I don't really think that anyone saying it wouldn't be for them is something you're going to listen to. If you think you can make that work, then you'll have to find the way that it works best for you. Personally- I wouldn't want an ex partner in my 'safe' space and in my home. The thought of being stuck in my bedroom whilst they were in the living room wouldn't be comfortable. Also being expected to jump in and parent as and when they can't/ won't would also frustrate me more than them not seeing the other parent. You've said that his house is unsuitable (fair) and that we can't/ won't do public meet ups- but I don't see how having him in your home is any kind of break. Does he have any intention of moving somewhere more suitable?

Username112233 · 29/10/2022 10:51

@KettrickenSmiled I love this, you are so balllsy!

I don't know how to approach it, does anyone have any idea of texts I can send him on establishing this? He's not happy that I am calling the shots with things now as he's been so used to me being a pushover in the past, so I know this will get his back up.

Spanielsarepainless · 29/10/2022 11:02

A friend did this for several years. She went and stayed with her sister alternate weekends. I would not want the intrusion, tbh.