What's do you think of this? Is this estrangement?

[Viewofthesea]

I was close to my younger brother for a long time.
My older brothers kept coming and going.
I was never a bossy older sister to my younger brother.
As he went into his late teens, we used to enjoy some drinks together.
We also liked some of the same things - bond movies, top gear.
So we always had some sort of a connection.

That changed a few years ago.
About 5 years ago. He became more distant.
It was a slow process. I remember I bought him a Christmas present and it was left unopened in the sitting room for months. I thought maybe it was his new job, or
Ress from that, r his new girlfriend, but the coldness continued from him.
Whatever we once had was all gone.
He only ever had a word or so in passing like hello, bye but that was it. That went on for months.
During this time I was suspecting maybe he was taking drugs with his friends because his hangovers weren't normal.
Eventually his binges cost him his job and also his girlfriend.
To be honest. I was heartbroken.
The brother that I grew up with was a different person now. He was rude and obnoxious.
I had a boyfriend during a lot of this time and not once did my brother ever welcome my boyfriend or amke any effort with him. In the 5 years that I was dating my man and my brother at home, my brother only ever spoke to my boyfriend once, when my brother needed a jumpstart.
That was it. There was some behaviours over the past few years from my brother that was unreal.
He would stay in his room all day long and only come out at night time when he would hear my door close for the night. Completely avoiding me. As if I would have been on his back. I never was. It was obvious too.

Earlier this yet he went away abroad.
He rang home to my mother a few times in the beginning and he led her on for months saying he would send pictures but he never did.
Eventually he did but it took him 3 months to send one.
Completely obvious he was going to make us beg.

Since then, he claimed he got locked out of facebook and messagner due to changing numbers and he lost his old number and can't get it back due to being abroad and so far away. He said that he can't use the Facebook or the messenger any more.

What do you guys think? Would that be true or would that be him writing me off as a sibling and implementing some estrangement? The fact is, he spent 5 years being cold and distant with me, hardly any conversations unless he was drunk. Hardly ever wanted to know me or what was going on in my life. He wanted a red carpet rolled out for his girlfriend while he also hid her and kept her at arms length.
Then he goes away out abroad and then that?

My mother is always complaining to me to keep in touch with him and I am sick of it from her at this stage.
As far as I am concerned at this stage, it's his call.
He ignored me for years and now spun an excuse about being locked out of facebook and messagner.

Sounds like him not you OP.
And might I ask if you think your Mum would put you under the same pressure if you were a man? May not be the case here but quite often women are "supposed" to "fix" family issues that are neither of their making nor within their power to change.

I'm sure you have posted about your brother before. Just accept that your relationship with your brother has changed and will never be like it was before, just go low or no contact.

You need to tell your mum to butt out (but probably in a more polite way!) - I can understand that she wants her children to get on but like you said, you have tried.

It's a boundary issue for your Mum to make you feel like you can control other people. Are there other examples of your Mum trying to control what is happening?

Fire him a message just outlining what you just have, tell him you’re still his sister that you still care and you’re here if and when he’s ready and wants to contact you. Balls in his court that way.

If it is addiction then this goes two ways. He kicks it or it kills him. By leaving the door ajar for communication you’ve left him an opening if he chooses help. If he doesn’t choose help then it saves you the guilt of having cut him off and the feeling you could have done something or should have done more.

Take it from experience that it takes a long time to look at yourself in the mirror if the last thing you ever say to ten living is “sod off then, we’d all be better off without you”.

I have an older sis who I now have "no contact" with. She is very narcissistic and our parents ( who are so scared of her) continually told me to make effort with her, say sorry if we ever had a argument ( i.e. I differed in opinion to her). I followed their advice for yrs and my older sis, as with my parents too, continued to have the upper hand over us all, including my younger sis. I am now the "mental one with issues" having stopped apologising to her and speaking my mind unapologetically and now walking away from her too. And tbh if she (and my parents and younger sis )give me the label of "mentally unstable" and leave me be...I'll take that gladly! Ironically I am kinds mentally unstable when I am in their company. Thank the lord I have identified that!
I would leave him be. Good luck!

I was away for a while to come home and find my mother was upset because it was a few weeks since she heard from my brother abroad and since he rang home to her. She was upset at that and she wants me to keep in touch with him him.

To be honest I want to give up on all of this with him and go no contact. The past few years, he hurt me whether he realised it or not. I can't figure out what I was supposed to have done wrong. He treated me appalling and I all ever did was support him because my mother forced me down that path. He treated both me and our mother like shit at the end of his shoe while he used the family home for a free life and he abused drugs. I don't know what his current position is with drugs. If he cleaned himself up since going away.

What do you guys think. He went away about 6 months ago. The messagner was working for him for the first 4/5 months then he gave me an excuse saying he's locked out of messagner and facebook due to changing numbers. Does that sound real. I just think it's confident for him. There was pretty much 5 years where he literally wrote me off except for the bare minimum and then he goes away and cuts any of the remaining communication.

I don't know what his drug status is now. He went away abroad. He's working hard now so I suspect he doesn't have time to take any drugs.

Since he left home, on the rare occasion he did ring home, it was a middle of the night call. As in it was middle of the night where he was and clearly he was drinking too. He was never able to phone home sober.

What would be different if you decided to go no contact? Like are you the one always contacting him? If so just wait until he contacts you. What is your mum expecting you to do that she can't do herself?

I think if he wanted to keep in touch he would find another way outside of his excuse of being locked out of facebook and messagner. There would be WhatsApp or Viber as an example for communication.

Since he left home, I'm not really all the time contacting him. I contacted him a few times - maybe about 4 or 5 times. Some of it was replied to and some of it was not.

For 5 years before he left home he wanted very little to do with me and then he goes away and has minimal contact and then he makes an excuse about being locked out of facebook and messagner.

There is also pen and paper. He could keep in touch if he wanted to. I don't think he's deliberately cutting you out, it is more likely his lifestyle and mental health.

Why does your mother think the onus is on you to keep in touch with him?

How old are you both? You say he didn't want much to do with you for 5 years while living at home. Was he a teenager/young adult during that time? It's not the unusual for older brothers to not be that fussed with their younger siblings when they're all kids.
You don't need to be so dramatic as to go no contact. Just don't message him if he doesn't message you.

Ah just re read you're the older sibling. But in any case the ages of everyone involved is relevant still.

I thought about that as well over the weekend. There is pen and paper. He could print some pictures from his phone or buy some postcards and send mail home once in a while.

Why does it feel like he is cutting himself off?

I don't know why my mother thinks it's on me. My brother has made it clear he wants kiting to do with me and I don't want to chase him.

No he wasn't a teenager during those years. He was well into his 20s by that time.

Drugs do that. Make people very selfish. Also addiction. Puts people into their own world where they think of no one else. But if he was my dB l would keep the door open by sending an odd message as if he wakes up and sees the road he is on he might appreciate having someone there. So don't give him what he deserves but for the sake of the good times you did have keep in touch. Not too much effort but enough for him to know there is someone thinking of him.

Mail came for him a few weeks ago and I scanned it onto my phone and emailed it to him. I sent him a message to say mail came and I scanned it and sent it in an email to him.

He did respond to the message but it was vague and brief as per usual but he could have at least replied to the email to say he got it.

There's only ever very little and very vague and brief once every few months from him.

Do you still live at home with parents? If you are, could it be something to do with that dynamic?

I was very quick to realise that he was taking drugs. My mother had her head in the sand. I saw the effects of the drugs. Eventually, I saw he was sick a lot and he suffering from insomnia but he never went to the doctor. Eventually it clicked with me that drugs alters hormones and he wasn't sleeping because of drugs and probably much more.

He went away abroad to live with my other sibling and he would have a 0 tolerance towards drugs. My brother would have been able to hide his true self and paint a different picture and show a different face to our other sibling. How come he can change and act for others?

Even now, I don't know what his drug status is. I don't know if he's taking drugs or not while he is abroad.