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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Iam lost and don't know what to do

15 replies

Polly118 · 17/10/2022 16:15

Iam 61 . Married to a nice but boring man . He is 12 years older and although we have been married for over 30 years and had 2 kids it has never been an exciting marriage . My parents both died in their early 60s and iam very aware of this . I want more and we have discussed this but he is so set in his ways he won't change . I don't want to walk away from my marriage but why should I settle for this . I dont want to upset my family either as we are all very close . Do I stay ot go ?

OP posts:

Kellie45 · 17/10/2022 16:17

You stay. The grass always looks greener but it isn’t! Don’t let the divorce fanatics fool you.

Tamrastarr · 17/10/2022 16:20

Could you get involved in a new group to expand your horizons? Either on your own or with your husband

Oopsiedaisyy · 17/10/2022 16:29

What do you mean by wanting "more"?

Fenella123 · 17/10/2022 16:36

One approach is to start living the life you want as best you can. DH may find this inspiring and be more of... Whatever it is you are after... OR, you may just find your life fulfilling enough then, regardless of DH, OR, you may meet and fall in love with someone else. Just keep the old "do as you would be done by" adage in mind. It doesn't sound as if he's done anything to hurt you and being a dick tends to rebound on people. There's plenty of space between dissatisfaction and being a dick that you can explore though!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2022 16:40

If you want to do more, do it. What's stopping you? You don't have to end your marriage to make big changes in your life. If you want to travel, do it. Your husband can stay home if he doesn't want to go. Stop making excuses as for why you aren't living a fulfilling life.

EndlessMagpies · 17/10/2022 17:02

What is it that you want more of?

More travel, more socialising, more going places together as a couple - what?

I'm assuming he is retired, are you still working?

SunsetsArePretty · 17/10/2022 18:01

Plan it, then do it! Invite hubby, but if he'd prefer to stay at home... send him a postcard and bring him back a stick of rock! Slot some excitement into your life.

FinallyHere · 17/10/2022 18:22

Absolutely. Start dreaming, write yourself a list of things you would like to do and have at it.

I would only suggest separation / divorce if he controls the family money and does not 'allow' you free access

GreyCarpet · 17/10/2022 18:49

Look. I'm normally of the why stay in a crap marriage mindset. But I can see why you wouldn't want to leave one at 61 and with 30 years of history, families etc.

So I agree with the others. What is it you want more of? Can you plan to live a life for you but within the marriage? Hobbies? Holidays? New friends? What would be stopping you from doing those things?

JustKittenAround · 18/10/2022 02:59

More?

What is your more?

explain it here for better advice or write it down for yourself. You need to be able to define exactly what you want because you’ll then make the best decisions….

HerRoyalNotness · 18/10/2022 03:08

My FIl is a ‘nice but boring’ type. MIL for years has just done things with her friends instead. They used to take trips to Europe together, they still have weekends away, meet up for meals and other events. She just gets on with life and leaves him to it.

FlowerArranger · 18/10/2022 03:12

Start doing what you want to do. On your own.

Go to Meetup events, concerts, exhibitions, the theater, the gym etc.
Join a book club, choir, art appreciation society, archeological group, clean up the river bank volunteers......
Spend a week in Madrid. Florence, Paris, Bucharest, Vienna - on your own.

Do whatever floats your boat.
And re-evaluate in 6 months or so.

CrispyNoodles · 18/10/2022 03:17

There's nothing stopping you making a more ''exciting" life for yourself without breaking up the marriage.

Have a look around. There must be clubs, interest groups, societies you can join?

How about volunteering for something?

Make new friends, expand your horizons a bit.

Go on holiday without him. Try a 3 day coach holiday to see if you like it. You don't have to go to Barbados, Brighton would do to start with.

If he doesn't want to join you in your explorations, leave him to it, and go it alone.

There's a whole new world out there for you to explore, so start tomorrow !

category12 · 18/10/2022 05:46

Like pps have said, what is the "more", what is the excitement, that you're hoping for?

If it's sex/romance with someone else, then yes, leaving makes sense. It's a gamble, but much in life is.

If it's doing more with your life generally, can it be done from within the marriage? Could you look to friendships or new groups to find what you're lacking, while leaving him at home?

Or does he make it difficult for you to try new activities or drain your energy or make you feel guilty for doing things without him? If so, if he understood that this was a dealbreaker for you, would he back off and let you spread your wings or would he clamp down?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/10/2022 05:51

It's not your husbands job to make you happy. You need to work our what it is that is missing from your life and pursue it yourself. Whether that's alone or with him will depend on what you want as your post isn't clear. Maybe you're not even sure yourself. Start by working that out.

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