Dad invited me on holiday with my ex - despite years of abuse

[FedUpGirl]

So my dad has just invited me on a holiday with my ex. I am absolutely furious. This ex was my dad's friend before we were together, but my dad knows that he used to physically push me around and be quite emotionally abusive. I just lost my temper about it, and he keeps telling me to relax. I'm so angry.

If your dad has remained friends with this man they you have bigger issues with your relationship with your father than being invited to a holiday. You don't have to go. You also don't have to have a relationship with your father.

I think id block both of them and go no contact, in your shoes op

Does your dad know how abusive he was? Did you give him details? If so I can't understand how he could remain friends with him! I would be upset that he was going on holiday with my abuser, let alone that he expected me to be up for joining them!

My father has never been very good at the emotional stuff. I have told him how bad it was, but I get the feeling that he does not believe me. It is hard and upsetting, and I don't understand it at all. They were friends before we got together, so I kinda understand my dad wanting to remain friends, but it does bother me. The holiday thing has massively upset me today though. I don't understand how anyone can be so thoughtless...

You need to take a very long break from your father.

Weirdly, my dad is actually very well paid, and quite smart, but he lacks intelligence in emotional issues. But he was definitely a terrible father growing up. I have already cut off my mother for being abusive towards us as kids, and really don't want to cut him off too. To be honest, my family have always been awful, but there are certain things I have learnt to deal with.

I would ask your father why he thinks it appropriate to suggest a holiday with 1 man who abused you and a 2nd man who doesn't believe you about the abuse.

Say No, tell him why (although surely he knows), and seriously consider your future relationship with your father. It's shocking he still friends with your abusive ex.

Hate to break it to you but useless, abusive and thoughtless men aren't exclusive to low income backgrounds 🤔

Your father chooses to believe his friend over his daughter.

That's the line, right there, and because you've suffered abuse of one sort or another for your whole life, I'm not quite sure you can see it for what it is.

Your mother abused you as a child.
Your ex abused you as an adult.
Your father enabled both of these abusers.

I really don't think you should remain in contact with any of them.

It sounds like your father could be an abuser too or condones abuse or sees nothing wrong in it. I’d take a long step back from him.

My parents wouldn't be in the same room as someone who had hurt me. My dad went into a silent rage when he heard about my abusive ex...

Can't imagine him wanting to stay friends with someone who had hurt me

I could go no contact with him too. Sorry. I know you're desperately trying to cling onto some sense of family. But when you have family like this it's not worth it.

How fucking awful. Surround yourself with people who care about you

I'm sorry your parents are shit. I would distance myself from your father though if I were you. He is effectively condoning the behaviour of your ex.

@blacksax has a very good point here. Take some time to think about it.

Do they have a shared hobby? Sounds like your Dad is choosing to ignore what happened to you because it suits him to do so. You are not his priority, sadly.

I just wouldn't engage. At all. NO thanks, not going.

Keep your relationship with your father if you wish, but without the presence of abusing ex. You won't change either of them.

What are you getting out of the relationship with your father that makes it important to you to keep it up?

You know he is friends with a man who abused you even without the holiday invitation. What have you told yourself in order to be able to maintain the relationship?

Have you ever had counseling to deal with the parent issues?

Recommend you read Susan Forward's book "Toxic Parents".