I don’t like my DP’s exW but need to get over it

[Arnies]

I’m asking for real advice here brutal or otherwise and I am going to be really brutally honest - why not, no one knows me.

I am not someone who doesn’t like people easily, I am a people pleaser so I see the best in most people. I also don’t hold grudges usually and give people chances to redeem themselves. This sometimes wasn’t a good thing so I’ve done therapy work on boundaries in the last 5 years and this has helped me with this people pleasing tendencies and I think I’m better at spotting red flags and fuckwits and I am less tolerant now. I’m not jealous and I trust DP completely. He is a people pleaser for context.

DP’s exw. Now I did not know her before I became less tolerant but I’ve known her via him for 3+ years and I still don’t like her. I am trying so hard to make the feelings go away or so I am just indifferent but I just cannot fathom any neutral or warm feeling towards her and she winds me right up whatever she does now.

He has luke warm/neutral feelings - she’s the mother of his children and they see and speak to each other regularly, they get on ok, he finds her annoying at times but he doesn’t slag her off and tries to keep the peace between them. I find myself feeling really protective of him and the DC because she just isn’t very nice. she’s rude, she’s always late, she’s so fucking passive aggressive to DP, she’s flakey, she's lazy, she’s entitled, she’s manipulative.

I really need some perspective here as I don’t like how it makes me feel. It is not my place to confront her and I need to stop wasting mental energy on disliking her. I’m pleasant to her face and say hi and I wouldn’t cause a scene and have no intention of ever comforting her or anything.

I find it hard to move past some of the shitty things she says and does but I know I need to, this is no good for me or our relationship and not fair on DP. I wrote out here and then deleted all the instances of things she does because dwelling on them doesn’t help.

How do I work on this within myself and step back from it? My DC have a step mum and we get on fine, I am open to having a friendly relationship with the woman or just a neutral zero feelings one but I don’t know how to get there

Can’t you just ignore her? Lots of these things sound annoying but not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

Lots of good advice on this thread. Presumably part of the problem for you is that when she’s messing your DH’s schedule around, your schedule is also getting messed with. That would be annoying. You don’t have to answer this but I’m wondering who ended the relationship. If it was your DH, then perhaps she’s also acting out her resentment at that, possibly unconsciously.

I know if I was in your situation what would help me most was if my DP in a moment of honesty admitted that he found his ex a real pain in the arse. But knew he had to smile and nod for the sake of the children and coparenting.

If he really doesn’t feel that way, then perhaps reframe the problem that you are lucky you have someone who is so amiable, who could make a drama out of everything she does and says, but doesn’t.

The suggestion that it’s because you have taken steps to define your boundaries and you feel that your DP hasn’t rings true.

In essence you are getting annoyed because he is too nice to his exW, your response is protective of him, like we often feel towards out children.

This could also have something to do with your own sense of realisation that you no longer want to be a people pleaser. Perhaps you now have an over cautious sense of carefulness around people who may step over your boundaries and you see her as a potenital threat to that? Does that make sense? So, for example, previous to your councilling, she would have been someone who you many have felt the need to over please to make for an easy life, so now you have all the reg flags flying because you want to protect yourself from you old behaviour?

I have occasionally have an issue with someone (I’ve had it with a few different people) and end up feeling like you do. What helps me is booking a few sessions with a counsellor or therapist - I don’t mean this in a “oh god you need therapy way” but being able to have some focused, supportive conversations where you get stuff off your chest and can unpick some of the unspoken underlying stuff is just magical for me. Sometimes it’s only one or two conversations. Think of it like going for massage when you’ve got a bad back (or whatever analogy works for you!)

As so many counsellors/therapists work online nowadays, it’s easier than it used to be and many offer sliding scale fees. I just google and make sure that the person is accredited by their relevant professional body (such as the BACP)

honestly- It has helped me so much and the freedom you feel afterwards is SO great. Good luck.

I think I might be your DP in this situation and my soon to be DH is you. My ex is an absolute arsehole - it was his fault we split (he was physically violent) is always late (your thing about the kids not being dressed when I go to collect them is exactly the same, and there have been so many meals ruined because he told me they will be dropped at X and he drops them at Y), makes PA comments about my parenting (which is infinitely better than his) and is generally a very unhappy person.

I say this to my DP consistently - he is very unhappy and projects his unhappiness on to me, always has done, and my DP says 'Why do you let him? Be strong with him and tell him to fuck off.' I don't because he terrifies me and is so manipulative that if I poke the bear he will bite.

Until I learn how to deal with this DP will continue to be frustrated with me but unfortunately my safety and that of my DC is more important than my DP's frustration when you boil it down. I don't have the tools to deal with someone as difficult as this. I am a people pleaser like your DP - it's a core behaviour I learnt because of sexual abuse as a child. People pleasing has meant I wasn't murdered. It is a hard lesson to learn to stop being a fundamental part of you. I am trying but it will take me years to undo. How can we manage an abuser (it sounds like your DP is a product of emotional abuse) apart from leave them and try to mitigate the damage they do?

I am sorry to hear this, I really do understand and this is some of what led me to get therapy to deal with my boundaries as I realised that sometimes people pleasing left me more vulnerable and open to abuse which wore me down.

I end up feeling really angry at/about the impact on DP because he is just absorbing all her deflected negativity like a sponge, it’s not right. The kids don’t benefit from one anxious tightly wound parent who is scared of antagonising the other one. She wasn’t very nice to him when they were together - she left him for someone else, didn’t bother with the kids, spent money that wasn’t hers on a load of shit, didn’t help him with sorting out their divorce or house sale and now she’s pushing her own agenda on DP and doesn’t factor in anyone else (or does and doesn’t care)

I have spoken to him that I do want him to find his boundaries because it is not healthy to have none. Having no boundaries doesn’t make you a good parent or role model just because you don’t cause conflict. Some conflict is worth having

I agree with every word you have written. Finding and asserting your boundaries is hard, draining and emotional work (as you know) because it throws up a whole world of shit about why you've had such terrible boundaries, maybe he is as avoidant about that as he is with conflict?

Is there a way of you suggesting how to start strengthening his commitment to his own needs? It sounds like he is at the bottom of the pile of the dc, you and his exW and like you say he is making himself vulnerable. I wish someone would point me in the right direction, I have no idea how to start tbh! In fact just today I have backed down on a boundary I set with DP because his anger felt so horrible. We need a boundary toolkit

I am not really outwardly angry at my DP it was only this thread that made me realise my anger at her is misdirected (and his inaction is what is making me feel so angry)

I feel sorry for my DP and get angry on his behalf. I try to protect him. I am not sure your DP being angry at you is a good thing either. How can he be complaining at you not having boundaries and then breaking the ones you do have? I am worrying about you now! Are you ok?

Usually he confides in me and I get angry on everyone’s behalf's. I suggest boundaries he could put in place and non conflict ways of addressing issues - but he won’t do ANYTHING I ever suggest. This is what is annoying but I don’t really go past a bit of nagging and then I let it go because he asserts to me it’s his issue not mine.

I’m not saying I am always right but I usually end up being right. I do let it go though but it makes me not like her a lot. I do understand why DP is conflict avoidant and he isn’t in the same place as me. I wish he was because it’s so empowering not letting someone have their shitty power over you! My DP does not put himself first, so I have always made a promise to myself that I will not follow suit with her behaviour or expectations and I try to just model putting myself first but not at his detriment. I can’t on one hand complain he has no boundaries then disrespect it when he tells me he doesn’t want to do something so I need to work on myself and letting go of the feelings

The boundary work is hard but it’s enlightening and freeing. That person not being able to push your buttons or ruin your day is worth it. I can only say that it sets a good example for your DC and it’s about self respect and self care - if you don’t have any for yourself, others won’t

please take care I worry about your situation