Am I unreasonable? Please honest opinions

[Matt41]

Hi
This is going to be a long post, but I just need to get it out there as I find I can't talk to anyone about this and to write it down might help, usually I just say that I alright all the time.

I have been with my partner 18 years, so quite a long time, we are not married as that was something we were not intersted in but we have a 5 year old daughter. My partner has always been quite a sensitive person which I have known but that sensitivity has been getting more and more year in year out.

So going back 6 years, we had a lot of trouble trying to conceive and it turn out my partner has PCOS and quite bad which was misdiagnosed all her life. However once she got put on metformin and I forget the name of the other medication we conceived fairly quickly. Leading up to getting to that point we had a terrible doctor just say that we couldn’t have kids so that wasn’t great but we got round that. Not sure if I can say this in here but trying to conceive become robotic and not the passion which is what my partner wanted, so when we did conceive my partner was happy but a little depressed in the way it happened. Everything was going well with the pregnancy until our 20 week scan to which we were told that part of our daughter skull was missing and that she might have Edwards Syndrome. We got referred to St Thomas’s in London where we had another scan and an amniocentesis. Whilst waiting for the initial 3 big results it was 2 weeks, in this time my partner saw a physiologist who was terrible and encouraged her to have an abortion and was not sympathetic at all. After two weeks we had the results that my daughter was all clear on Edward Syndrome, and then two more weeks later we go the all clear on everything else and it was amazing. Then at 28 weeks exactly my daughter decided to turn up early. I am not going to go into too much detail on this as, but to say that it was the hardest thing we/I have ever been through. I understand why they do it but doctors and nurses never want to give you hope. My daughter was in hospital for 9 weeks, 2 of those in intensive care. We were told about 4 times that she might not make it, she might be blind, might be deaf, had a bleed on the brain, had a whole in the heart and few other I can’t remember. I was due to start a new job the Monday after the Sunday she was born. I delayed that start for 6 weeks so I could be there for my daughter and partner. I feel that I am quite strong emotionally and it pushed me to my limits and one day the noises and bleeps of the machines sent me mad I just had to get out the hospital one day. The last 3 weeks my partner had to do on her own with me going there after work every day. I should also point out we were not allowed to stay at the hospital. So we would always call 3 times in the night to see how she was doing. My daughter came home just before Christmas, we had to keep her in door for 3 months before people could see her. Bringing your first child home is scary but when she is still so small, and has very low white blood cells is really scary. But we got through it, my daughter still has quite low white bloods cells so picks things up easily, my partner gets so angry as it’s not fair that she gets everything and my internal reaction is not healthy as I always think the worst which is a hangover from the hospital days.
So before this becomes a book I wanted to get on the point of this post. Over the last 5 years my partner has not gone back to work and my salary is not great, we scrape by every month and I manage all the bills and keep on top of all of that. I was happy about this but hoped when my daughter went to pre school she might work part time which she didn’t want to do because she still wanted to be with my daughter and now my daughter has started school I thought my partner would now find some work part time, which she hasn’t really done. She thinks that she can just say that if it takes her away from my daughter she is not going to do it, so if she can’t pick her up or even at home she won’t do some cleaning because she wants to be with my daughter. But she doesn’t know how good she has it, I work hard, but I do enjoy my job. I get up really early so I can leave to get home to see my daughter just for an hour before she goes to bed (I have a long commute). When I do get in I spend a lot of my time tidying up and cleaning the kitchen. As my partner just gets things out and leaves them out. She says just to leave it but then when I do she gets the hump because she has to clean up. I would like to spend time with my daughter but if I do then general upkeep of the house and the list of things around the house needs doing. I would like to point out that I am not saying that it’s the women’s job to do these things. If I am at home I do all the washing, cleaning and all the DIY stuff. She does do some cleaning when my daughter is at school, but really not much, I keep saying that why doesn’t she look for work instead of cleaning but she always says she doesn’t have time. I always say that people work full time, have kids and still have time to clean and do all the things that have to be done. So that is point 1 we constantly argue about. My partners PCOS is something she blames a lot on, and I get it, it’s rubbish I have read up on it extensively to understand it. I am always suggesting things to try. She hates the way she looks as she keeps putting on weight, she has to exercise a lot to loose some weight she has given up on as again she thinks she doesn’t have time. I am also not telling her she needs to loose weight she just hates the way she looks and doesn’t feel sexy so that part of our lives she doesn’t like doing because she doesn’t feel it. We argue constantly now because she talks to me like a bit of crap, literally anything I say or we talk about she gets defensive over if when there is nothing to get defensive over. Yet she will talk to me in this aggressive and defensive way which is ok in her view. If I disagree with her she will get the hump, decisions about my daughters life again if I don’t agree she gets the hump that I am not supporting her. She never asks me how my day was yet if I forget to ask her how hers was or ask her about something she was doing that day she will get the hump. I enjoy my job but it is very pressurised and can be stressful. But If I come home and have had a bad day, instead of trying to make me laugh or get me out of my funk she will get the hump and make it about her and I end up apologising to her. From time to time I suffer from these spells for feeling really low and life is just kicking my arse. She will ask what’s wrong and in the past I have said that I am feeling low and she says that she wants me to talk about it, which I have done in the past. But it always gets turned into her problem and her getting the humo and me apologising again to apeze the situation. I now just don’t try to talk and she is so sensitive that it makes things worse. Also on the money side of things she is always buying new things not big things but toys for my daughter and I notice clothes creep into the house. She gets given money from her mum and dad, I don’t know how much but she now pay for most of the food shopping with it, but she still has money left over to buy herself things. I on the other had put most of my salary into paying mortgage, bills, my travel and never get to buy myself anything. Any money I do have I spend on my daughter usually. It feels like she has just detached from reality. My worry is if she ever does go back to work full time she either won’t cope or won’t do anything at home and I will have to do even more.

I have got to a point at the moment where I have been talking to her the way she talks to me, so we just argue and bicker constantly which is exhausting. I always wanted my home to be the place I can go to and be happy, I am very laid back and it takes a lot to make me annoyed but I have been dealing with this for years now and it is just eroding me. I am aware that she would have had/has depression from everything we went through in hospital with my daughter and I always supported her on that. I was never allowed to breakdown during that as my partner needed the support and I am still the support but she just needs more and more and when I don’t give it she will get the hump. There is so much more but just not sure what I can put in here and I have probably bored you and no one will get to this point. I just wanted to get this out, I just feel like a servant and my daughter obviously always wants her mum, especially when she is sick, and even when she is not I get told to go away a lot when all I want is a hug from her. I just feel that if I had spent all that time with her she wouldn’t be like that so she gets it all, yet her life apparently is so hard and she never has any time and moans that we don’t have money for anything.
I don’t know what I am looking for writing this, but please give an honest opinion, should I be doing more? Any tips please?

Thanks

It sounds as if you've both had a pretty tough introduction to parenthood, and I'm sorry for that. I'm pleased your DC is doing well. Celebrate the good days and know that things will get easier as your DC gets older and becomes more independent. Perhaps suggest a hobby/weekly activity you can both do together to get you both out the house and share an interest to bring you closer. Maybe hire a weekly cleaner for an hour a week, so she can see you're offering support. At some point, your partner will have to start doing more, but one step at a time. Sounds to me like you're doing great, don't give up!

I'm sorry - I struggled to read that wall of text - but if I am reading this right your daughter is now at least 5 years old, at school, your partner does little or no housework, and "has no time". This is not a new mum struggling to cope. There is either something badly wrong or she is a lazy * who has a conevenient excue for not pulling her weight. If it is the former, then she needs help to overcome the inertia / depression that is making her like this. If it is the latter, then you either have to tell her that something must change or else you will be gone - and mean it; or accept that this is what your life is like and not expect it to change.

"but if I am reading this right your daughter is now at least 5 years old, at school, your partner does little or no housework, and "has no time". This is not a new mum struggling to cope. There is either something badly wrong or she is a lazy * who has a conevenient excue for not pulling her weight. If it is the former, then she needs help to overcome the inertia / depression that is making her like this. If it is the latter, then you either have to tell her that something must change or else you will be gone - and mean it;"

⬆️ This!

I was really sad reading your story (which was really long by the way, but I did read until the end) because this reminded me a lot of my own story, my own marriage. While our lives are completely different, what is similar is how things that happen change the course of relationship. The thing is, life is hard, and the hardship affects our relationships, and no matter how hard we try sometimes we drift apart. Even though your post was long it is hard to get the whole picture of your marriage, but I can say I do get where you are coming from. Also, no matter what is happening and what any of us think about it, what matters is that you are not happy, you are bothered with the way things are. I agree with @Quveas that your wife either needs medical help, or she is simply lazy and inconsiderate. Either way, you have to do something as this current situation is not the best life you can have. I suggest you sit down and talk to her, and if that is not working ask her to go to marriage counseling (I know that this may be financially difficult for you at the moment but is worth a try), if she does not want to do anything you may have to consider separating. Hang in there.

It's not unreasonable to want things to change.

Maybe as a first step try relationship counselling, where you get to discuss the situation with an intermediary, who should allow you both to be heard? I realise money is tight but some services offer tapering rates according to income.

I would want her to address the depression/anxiety - it sounds like she has a lot of anxiety around your dd's wellbeing, not surprisingly. I can understand why you'd also want her to take some of the financial strain of supporting the household by getting work - something like cleaning might fit well with school hours if she were willing. And it might help on the MH side to have that routine & validation.

But obviously you need to have that communication which I think you need the intervention of another party for, as you seem stuck as a couple.

Did your wife get any support or therapy for the PND or has it just been left untreated for 5 years? I don't believe most people are lazy, especially if they weren't before a major life change. Assuming she was looking after the place, working etc before she had the baby, I think she could do with understanding and support to get to the GP about her mental health. There might also be a family support centre nearby which you could self-refer your family to.

Four words from me…

Your partner is lazy!!

Thank you for your comments I do really appreciate it, I know it was a long post I just needed to get it out. I don’t talk to friends or family about these things, I have just got to breaking point, I can’t do any more, my day consists of getting up at 5.30 and getting in at 6, I will then have to get myself ready for the following day, I play with my daughter and do bath time and my partner generally puts her to sleep I then come down and tidy the living room, and clean the kitchen as she usually puts something in the oven for me, I eat then have about an hour before we go to bed and usually she will go to bed early as she is tired. I don’t care she has put on weight etc, if she was just nice to me and could see some of my side that would be enough. This sounds terrible and it will be un popular and I would never cheat but all I want at the moment is to spend an evening with a women to feel that excitement again. Anyway not sure where I am going with all this or why I posted here

So what does your partner do in the school hours - you say she hasn't ‘really’ found work. What does that mean? It sounds like she has PTSD or similar she needs help.

I don't think it is just your partner who is depressed, it is highly likely that you are too, and a pp's comment above about PTSD is another avenue to explore. Did either of you have professional support to help you cope with your emotions when your dd was a baby? It was very traumatic for you both, albeit in different ways.

Why don't you flip the script?
I mean you have every right to spend as much time with your daughter as she does.

If it means you both go completel broke for a few months for her to understand, so be it.

Autumntime2022 - She always claims to be cleaning/looking for jobs, but she sees her family a lot. But she now does have a job, but it's like 1 day a week and its right near my daughters school. She is lucky to have found this job, but she is not pushing for more hours as they said there would be more. The other day she spent the whole day doing a scrap book for my daughter which is nice but she she doesn't grasp that there are boring things which keep a house and life maintained. I do all the bills, tidying, washing and i would do cooking if I was in early. She used to be a hard worker when she worked but now she has gone the other way.

EndlessMagpies: We did't have any support after, none at all, I would have liked for her to have had at least had support. As I could cope with things if I didn't have to deal with stuff at home. Sometimes I think it all comes from depression, but then I know people with depression and to be honest I think she uses that as an escuse for being lazy. She genuinly believes she is working hard. I just want some relief from feeling like this. Everything has to be about her all the time.

As your wife ever said she feels down/flat can’t be bothered, comes over to you like she can’t be bothered talking, in a world of her own?
as she said she feels anxious, can’t eat/sleep
feels she has constant adrenaline?
if she hadn’t then I’d presume she hasn’t depression or anxiety ??

Whilst your at work does she manage to do the
washing/ironing, do the family shopping and cook a family meal ?
all this is doable whilst dd is at school

I know part time jobs around school hours are hard to find, but if pushed she could start a cleaning job(work for herself) choose her hours then. Courier job if she drives, Amazon,Next

If I was you I’d be telling her she needs to step it up now as things are solely left to you to provide.
you have no time for dd(you want it) you have NO extra money to buy yourself anything after paying for everything
Its got to change!

she also needs to show dd how to clean the toys away, she is 5 yrs old. They have to tidy away at school.

You deserve better, your young and this is no life to come home to every night.
She shapes up or you ship out

do you rent or mortgage?

It sounds like you are trying your best and I'm sending a hug x

I think you’d be much happier apart. She’s sucking the life out of you, you sound exhausted, you’re working yourself into the ground while she tits around with scrap books, works one day a week and apparently has no time for housework.

I’m sure you’re both suffering with poor mental health but you’ve had no option but to get on with supporting everyone anyway while she thinks she’s exempt and you exist to provide for her.

Don’t bother with counselling. You know from how she speaks to you and treats you what she thinks of you. She’s got her child and all you’re good for is paying the bills. The hours you’re working and doing housework limit your opportunities for time with your daughter.

You’re not married, sell the house, she’ll have to start supporting herself with work and/or benefits if applicable, you can have time with your DD by yourself and build a fuller relationship between the two of you.

Do it now. The younger children are the quicker they adapt. When you’re in a better place you’ll meet someone who doesn’t treat you like crap, wants a decent sex life, is a true partner to you. This has run its course.

AnneLovesGilbert - I have thought about and get so close to saying that’s it, I am trying to stay together for my daughter and also I have no where to go I would have to move out even though I pay the mortgage as as it stands because I work full time my partner would carry on taking her to school. I couldn’t afford to rent somewhere and pay the mortgage on the house which means we would have to sell. I then might be able to get somewhere but my partner wouldn’t. It would just disrupt my daughter’s life just as she is starting to settle at school. So then I think maybe I should just sacrifice my happiness so that my daughter can have a stable life as she is everything I work and live for

Maybe if you sat down with her and said "things are so bad, I'm considering splitting up with you and thinking about how to do it - things need to change ..." it would shake her out of her rut?

I wouldn't advise you stick out the relationship unhappily because you have to think about the relationship model you are giving your child, not just "stability". Your resentment of your partner will get worse and sour home-life over time.

This is no life for you. She seems to have no love or respect for all you do.

Leave her and build a life for yourself away from her laziness.

You need to tell your wife how bad it is for you.

Draw up a list of the leisure time you have which seems to be none on weekdays versus what she has - socialising with family, activities like making a scrap book.

Ultimately if nothing changes either by her getting treatment for her depression/PTSD or stepping up and doing her share then you need to split.

You say she’s not doing any paid work, but then actually she has just got a 1 day a week job. So she did take that on board. Now you need to tell directly that finances are tight and you need her to ask for more hours, and if none are available, to look at other ways of increasing her contribution to the family income.
Are you jealous of the time she gets to spend with your daughter that you have to spend at work? Can you start doing something regularly with just you and your daughter - take her swimming on Saturday morning for example, so you get more time doing fun things too?
Can you frame the situation of needing your wife to take on extra hours as a way of saving up for something nice to do as a family? Perhaps a holiday or even just a savings pot to be used for family days out? Some could be set aside for date nights for you without your daughter - easier to do if you have someone who will babysit for you. If you don’t have family nearby who are willing and able then trading babysitting with another family you trust can work well.

I agree, you have both had a very tough start to parenthood - it isn't 'supposed' to be like that, is it?

Reading your post, I'd imagine she feels very resentful, angry and guilty about your daughter's difficulties early on. She may have some ongoing trauma as a result. But rather than dealing with that, she's shutting down from anything which she perceives as taking her away from her daughter or making her a 'bad mother'.

This rings true for me as spending a lot of time with her family probably feels quite protective to her - it's a safe place for her. And spending time making scrapbooks whilst not making sure her child has a clean and tidy home to live in.

If your daughter is at school 5 days a week and she only works for one of them, that is 4 days a week in which I personally feel the person at home should be doing the majority of the housework etc. That's 24 hours when your daughter is not at home during the week.

This is no life for you and its not something you have caused but people often need somewhere to direct their blame, frustration, guilt, sadness and it sounds like she is directing it at you. But this situation is unsustainable.

This is something you need to sit down and discuss as adults. If she can't do that without 'getting the hump' then I don't se that the relationship can last. You deserve more and so does your child.

You say she does ‘like’ 1 day, does that mean sometimes it’s one day and sometimes more? You said in the OP that you ask her to look for work but she says she doesn’t have time then you say she tells you she cleans and looks for work during the day.

If she’s doing the most housework her spoons allow in the day and then you come home are critical of it then I can imagine that she does get defensive.

What do your weekends looks like?

Have you tried writing her a honest letter? Try using ‘I’ statements on how you feel.

It sounds like you both feel unsupported by the other in all you went through and it will be hard to get that back, but if you both want it then it could happen.

She needs to go back to work.

I’m sorry. This all sounds really shit for you.

So tried sitting her down to talk mainly about her finding some interests and things we could do together so we can spend some time together of an evening. But as usual she finds away to take it that I am saying she is boring and I should find someone less boring. She went to bed at 8.30 last night as she was tired like every night but i wanted to stay up and do something together. Even though I was up at 5.30 and she doesn’t get up till 7 and then didn’t have to do anything today other then see her mum and dad, she is tired! Like I said at the start anything I talk to her about gets turned into something she feels the need to defend. I just can’t believe this is my life I am asking for so little. There are so many guys out there who are abusive and cheat on there partners who just want to be loved why did I not end up with someone who is nice to me. It’s a basic ask I am not asking for wild sex every night, and even when we do have sex it has to be on her terms. If I am not up for it at the very moment she is ready it doesn’t happen, in the past i we have had sex when I was suffering with a bad migraine and felt sex because I didn’t want to miss my window! Even during sex she is lazy!

Then end it.