Gambling partner lying again

[Kat123h]

Hi all

my partner has always been a gambler, in fact I used to pop in after work with him befor kids. However it was always low amounts generally just weekend bets and low risk. Then over the years it’s become bigger bets, hiding them and spending hours not answering phone and been away etc.
Cut to lockdown and I found out he had been chatting to one of the staff a bit too much on the overly friendly side, he stopped it befor anything happened I’m guessing out of guilt but I found out 4 weeks later and his story did check out that he told her they couldn’t talk anymore cos it was wrong. I believe him nothing sexual happened here and it’s just him texting and gave her a Lift places 100% crossing a line and flirting but nothing physical happened. I almost left him this day I was distraught. Obviously I told him he is never to step foot in that bookies again which he hasn’t. January 2021 he banned him self via self exclusion all shops, however people have been going in for him. There’s been about 7 times in the last year I’ve found slips and repeated the whole ‘just tell me it’s the lying I hate, yeah I don’t want you gambling but I hate lying it just makes me not trust you which reminds me of the woman situation’ but he repeats the lying every other month. It’s always the same he says he just wants us to have to some money and he hates himself for lying but he’s ashamed and doesn’t want to let me down, I say you let me down by lying and repeat this convo throughout the year
today I’ve found 2 slips totalling £300 which is exactly how much I’m overdrawn from him not paying his share of bills
im working from home but can’t even focus and he’s still asleep
I love him so much he is my absolute soulmate but I don’t know what to do, we have three kids together and it just makes me think how can he lie so easily
😢

If he is still asleep wake him up.

You need to end this relationship before you and in turn your children are further dragged down with him. What are they learning about relationships from the two of you here?. They're seeing their dad gambling, there has been behaviour from him associated with cheating (why indeed did you not leave him that day?) and you are still there enabling and otherwise propping him up. This is NO legacy to be leaving your children.

Why did you choose this man also?. Did you see addiction at home when you were growing up?.

I sincerely hope you have no financial ties to him because he will trash any credit rating you have. You absolutely need to separate yourself both financially and emotionally from him.

You may well love him but you are also likely to be codependent and that state is doing you no favours at all. He may profess to love you and you call him your absolute soulmate (he is not and besides which that's a pedestal too far to mount him on) but gambling is his main priority here and has been throughout your relationship. Apart from you enabling him he also has other people to enable him too.

This is not going to end at all well for you. He is not going to stop and you're going to have to get off the merry go around. Be on your own now; its far better than watching your hard earned cash that is also meant for your children go to some online betting company.

Oh God, bin him. Life is way way way too short for that shit.

And he’s not your soulmate. He’s hiding gambling from you, lying to you, and was having an emotional affair with another woman. That’s not what soulmates do. He’s taking you for an absolute mug.

My df was a gambler. My dm stayed with him.

In her 60s she was having to ask permission to buy a pair of tights. As a family, we basically existed on child benefit. It was miserable.

If you want your child to have any kind of a life, you know what you have to do.

They never change!
It just gets worse.
Kick him out today

Addicts are inherently selfish.
he’ll drag you and your children down with him if you let him; how on Earth can this parasite be your ‘soulmate’?

He's an addict and he won't get better. Get rid of him before he drags you down with him.

I can only repeat what has been said on other threads of this kind.

If you are involved with a person who has an addiction (and it doesn't matter if it is gambling, porn, alcohol, drugs, work) then there will always be 3 of you in that relationship.

And the addiction will always be prioritised over you.

You need to take steps to get out of this relationship. And you need to do it now.

Our finances are separate so ive always thought like if that’s what you want to waste your money on that’s up to you it’s not my money , obviously it would be a different story if we had shared finances
As far as home life it’s perfect he’s a present dad attentive husband even after 10 years we are very much in love and the kids are not aware of any gambling with someone else placing the bets for him
it’s the trust issue that’s the worst but I do believe him when we’re both upset and hes saying he didn’t want to tell me cos he didn’t want to upset me
i am too forgiving and I am too loving but then I just think I want him to get better and if it’s in sickness and health is this a sickness ?
the other woman I will never ever forgive him for , but i didn’t want to end our relationship over flirting that he ended before it went any further like I feel like he chose me and the kids rather than pursuing that even though the fact he was tempted infuriates me
i know I should leave but I think I’d feel like I was abandoning him

This //\

As the child of a gambler I beg you to walk away before he can do any more damage.

He keeps doing it because he can. The hard part is that you can never totally keep him away from money.

Even if he gets his entire wage paid into your bank account so he has no access to money other than what pocket money you give him, he can still get friends to gamble for him on the promise of ‘I’ll give you the twenty quid back tomorrow”. Thinking he’ll win at least that so having no actual money isn’t a problem.But his horse doesn’t come in. And the debts rack up. And then his pals no longer lend so he goes to someone who will, a dangerous someone. And he will lend him hundreds. And break his legs when he can’t pay.

I know you don’t want to leave him but it’s highly likely he will keep doing this to you if you don’t.

I don’t know if there is any other way to go about this. He needs to go cold turkey. Hopefully someone wiser will be along.

Sorry you’re in this position OP. It sucks big time.

"As far as home life it’s perfect he’s a present dad attentive husband even after 10 years we are very much in love and the kids are not aware of any gambling with someone else placing the bets for him"

They see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to their dad within their home. They hear the rows and stony silences. Do not kid yourself they are unaware here because they likely know far more than either of you care to realise.

Read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own self; the fact you think you would feel like you've abandoned him is codependency right there. He won't leave because he has a cushy life with you doing all the worrying whilst enabling him at the same time. Your love needs to be shown to a man far more worthy of it.

i am too forgiving and I am too loving but then I just think I want him to get better and if it’s in sickness and health is this a sickness?

Well, if it was a sickness then what is he doing to tackle it? What active steps is he taking to seek help? By the sounds of it, absolutely fuck all.
He’s got you exactly where he wants you, it suits him to keep gambling and to lie about it because he knows there are no consequences.

How is he going to get better?. You as his wife here are far too close to be of any real use to him here, not that he wants your help and or support anyway. You are well out of your depth here.

He does not think he has a problem and in his head the big win is just around the corner. Have you ever seen a poor bookie; neither have I.

There is NO incentive for him to at all change and people are also around him enabling him. He is quite happy as he is pootling along in his own denial.

And I daresay he is not attentive to his children either and with you his attention has previously gone elsewhere. They are likely seeing him glued to the racing pages in the newspaper or on tv or on his phone engaging in online betting.

You might have separate accounts, but if you've just had to top up the bill account by £300, you might have just given the bookies the money for him.

As far as home life it’s perfect he’s a present dad attentive husband even after 10 years we are very much in love and the kids are not aware of any gambling with someone else placing the bets for him

Unless they're babies then trust me they know. They experience the anger when he loses, the missed activities / trips and treats as he's spent the money on bets, the simmering anger from you over the lying and missing money, the silences where you can't bear to speak to him as he's let you down for the 100th time.

You want to pretend everything is fine and they have no idea, but they know. And the sooner you get out the sooner you can start to undo some of the damage.

“Our finances are separate so ive always thought like if that’s what you want to waste your money on that’s up to you it’s not my money , obviously it would be a different story if we had shared finances”

But it’s not just him wasting his money with no effect on you. You said you’re overdrawn because he hasn’t paid his share of the bills because he’s gambling. So regardless of whether you have separate finances or not it absolutely is affecting your financial situation.

I am in exactly the same situation as you. Married with kids, vicious circle of gambling then promising he's stopped and starting all over again a couple of months later, There have a lot been a couple of trust issues with girls
In the past for us too. I think once they've realised they can sneak and lie about one thing then they do it with everything..
We are married and have two young children. I am constantly questioning if I should be with him or not, it is so incredibly difficult because of the children. I rely on him financially for most things so it's even worse for us.
Just wanted to say you're not alone coz I'm in the same boat!

I'm an alcoholic as some of you may know. I have just celebrated my 7th sobriety birthday. Prior to stopping drinking, I made my family's life a misery and a worry.
So the point is, recovery is possible if that is a road he wants to walk down! There are agencies out there who can assist. Perhaps you and your husband could go together to his GP. I am sure you will find they are understanding.

Cheating and gambling behaviors are linked.

He needs help. He should be spending that money on the household and his child.

he won’t get better and as the bar lowers, so will your expectations. I know you did not sign up for raising a child with a gambling cheat, but here you are.

gamblers are VERY hard to treat and he needs professional help. He has broken trust and now you’ve had to become the detective… figuring out his lies. Which is really wasting your precious energy and will do nothing but make you feel bad.

Lastly, love is not everything (especially toxic love), and you have a responsibility to your child. This gambler will ruin you and your child. If you can’t do this for yourself then do it for your child.

I a, sorry you’re going through this. The gambling stories on here are just about the most heartbreaking.

To be blunt, and I am speaking from experience of having a relative who has destroyed my family with gambling.
Leave unless he gets immediate professional help and lets you control the finances and you have everything of value in your name only (which unfortunately puts you in the position of someone having to be very controlling and so tbh I know you don't want to buy I think you should end the relationship).
This situation will get worse. It will devastate you financially and emotionally. Eventually you'll end up with loan sharks and dodgy people on your doorstep. He'll just try and lie his way out of everything, likely steal your savings and expect you to completely bail him out whilst blaming you for his behaviour.

Honestly it is really sad but the best thing you can do for you and your child is end the relationship before this has chance to get worse - and it will, go into a support group of compulsive gamblers... it's a mess.