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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What should I do?

28 replies

justsadnow · 17/10/2022 06:53

Hi, I just found out that my partner slept with my friend. It happened over 25 years ago and at the time we were on a break. I feel really shit and I don't know what to do. I love my partner and want to stay with them, but the thought of them together is too much. Obviously the friend is gone from my life and unfortunately I'll probably leave that whole group of friends. I'm so sad, my partner isn't who I thought they were. How can I move on?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 06:59

Have the last 25 years been happy?

Original poster

justsadnow · 17/10/2022 07:10

Yes. No problems. This has really stunned me.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 07:17

Honestly I think I'd have to try and get past it. You were on a break. Presumably it was just sex and nothing has ever happened since.

Yes it's a cunty thing to do with your friend but it was a quarter of a century ago whilst you weren't even together.

GreyCarpet · 17/10/2022 07:20

Would it have bothered you less if it had not been your friend?

In this case, I'd say the friend committed a greater betrayal - you and your husband were 'on a break' which means you'd technically broken up temporarily. But your relationship with her was in tact.

This is why I think 'breaks' in relationships are a bad idea. Were you both still together but taking some time apart to reflect on a particular issue or had you effectively split up?

He may have felt at the time that the break was permanent and so it didn't matter who it was he slept with.

I think my feelings on it would also depend on how much time she'd spent being a friend of the family/relationship over the past 25 years. If she and your husband spent a lot of time in each other's company, then I'd find that harder to get past. Not from a him perspective because it doesn't change what happened, but just from a sense of betrayal perspective.

I'm not trying to excuse him but your relationship with them both was not equal at that time.

Original poster

justsadnow · 17/10/2022 07:33

Thank you for replying. I do think my friend badly betrayed me and that relationship is over. We split up for a bit and got back together, it wasn't like a planned break. I know I need to get past this, but I'm really upset. I needed to post just to speak to someone.

OP posts:

Worriedaboutethics · 17/10/2022 07:43

@justsadnow

you were not together at the time.
surely that’s means they were free.
so why do you think it’s ok to “control” them in that time?

it was also 25 years ago and since you have been back together during that time you say all has been well?

also why was your friend betraying you?
you weren’t together if I understood it right?

So sorry to be blunt but out that ego away and just love on.

unless you didn’t want the break, in which case friend was not a friend.

either way the partner is not at fault.

then you got back together. Why waste you thoughts on the past. Sound like hurt ego so get real. And drop it.

you had 25 fun years which is worth so much more that the time in that split.

jeepers!

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 07:48

also why was your friend betraying you?
you weren’t together if I understood it right?

Nah you don't sleep with your friends ex. Full stop. Whether it's been a month or a decade, you just don't go there. Especially when she's still clearly in love with him.

Worriedaboutethics · 17/10/2022 07:55

@girlmom21

she didn’t say that and I did add that clarification.

I still think you don’t control people when you are split up. Imagine I’d this was a guy.

pictish · 17/10/2022 08:04

I wouldn’t cut off a friend or potentially a group of friends for this.

pictish · 17/10/2022 08:05

Not when it was so long ago.

Worriedaboutethics · 17/10/2022 08:06

@pictish

exactly

Original poster

justsadnow · 17/10/2022 08:11

My friend knew how devastated I would be, and did it any way. I know that neither of them technically did anything wrong. But that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed. The friend I can live without, my partner on the other hand.

OP posts:

Antaboo · 17/10/2022 08:11

What should I do?
I think the immediate thing to do is nothing - I'd suggest not burning bridges you may later regret over something you're not sure how you feel.
Give yourself some time.

YoSofi · 17/10/2022 08:12

No come on, it sounds like it was a break up the OP didn’t want. Fair enough, he was single but I expect more from my “mates” than this.

I would never sleep with a friends ex, and I expect the same respect back from my friends.

As a PP say, the OP and her partner had split up but her friendship with this woman was intact at the time. I couldn’t forgive that either.

YouAreNotBatman · 17/10/2022 08:37

Why was the friend more wrong in this?

If you don’t hook-up with friends ex’s, then surely the ex’s shouldn’t hook-up with their ex’s friends?

If one is wrong here, the both are in the wrong.

Intelligenthair · 17/10/2022 08:41

You weren’t with him at the time. He was single.And presumably so was she, and there’s been nothing between them since?

Honestly I’d just sit with it for a bit. Don’t make any rash decisions.

Badbaddogagain · 17/10/2022 08:44

Antaboo · 17/10/2022 08:11

What should I do?
I think the immediate thing to do is nothing - I'd suggest not burning bridges you may later regret over something you're not sure how you feel.
Give yourself some time.

Agree with this. You don’t need to ‘do’ anything for now except process what you know and how you found out. Take your time and get some perspective on what happened then (drunken fumble? Multiple events? Everyone knew?) v what’s happened since (25 happy loyal years)

BlueSiamese · 17/10/2022 08:44

I agree. Do nothing at the moment. I would cut ties with eh friend but not with the whole group. (Unless you are sure that they all know) How did you find out? What was your husband's reaction after you found our? You don't need to answer anything on here . It's always hits hard when it's your friend and dh , it's feels like a double betrayal. Again you don't need to do anything unless you are completely sure .

If the last 2decades have been good and he has been faithful to you then may be you need to deal with this at your own pace and in your own time.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 08:56

YouAreNotBatman · 17/10/2022 08:37

Why was the friend more wrong in this?

If you don’t hook-up with friends ex’s, then surely the ex’s shouldn’t hook-up with their ex’s friends?

If one is wrong here, the both are in the wrong.

She'd ended the relationship with her partner so he had no loyalty to her. The friend still did.

Original poster

justsadnow · 17/10/2022 10:26

Thanks for all your input. I'm not looking for a verdict on who wronged me the most, I was hoping for help dealing with my feelings that my partner wasn't who I thought they were. And how do I get the thought of them together out of my head.

OP posts:

Aubree17 · 17/10/2022 21:54

Ok you need to make sense of your emotions around this.

What do you feel? Angry? Upset? Distrusting of him? Write them all down.

Now think about why you feel how you do. Did you expect him not to sleep with anyone once you had separated and he did? Are you angry because he chose a friend? What is driving your emotions?

Bookworm20 · 18/10/2022 10:31

My friend knew how devastated I would be, and did it any way. I know that neither of them technically did anything wrong.

No, they didn't 'technically' do anything wrong. But morally? Absolutely shit behaviour from both of them.

Like you, the friend would be immediately out of my life. And quite honestly, so would my DH. Wouldn't matter to me that it was 25 years ago. What would matter to me would be the fact he has been lying to my face for the last 25 years. You must be devastated. Neither should get to use the 'but it was years ago' card. Makes no difference. They should have told you when you got back together, so you had the choice THEN whether to carry on the relationship.
That choice was taken away from you purely so they could protect themselves. If either really cared for you, they would have come clean back then, because that would have been the best option for you. But they choose the best option for them. I don't think I could forgive that.

GreenManalishi · 18/10/2022 10:47

I think if this hasn't impacted you for a moment for twenty five years, which is a long time, try your hardest to not let it bother you for another twenty five. Your partner IS who you think they are, they have shown you every day who they are, an incident over two decades ago doesn't change this.

You don't need to do anything about it other than adjust your perspective. You can either lose your group of friends and affect your relationship adversely for the rest of the time you are together, or adjust your perspective.

Parky04 · 18/10/2022 10:55

Not relevant, but I'm interested to know how you found out?

It sounds as though your relationship is over. You will always throw this in his face even though he has done nothing wrong.

User0610134057 · 18/10/2022 10:59

Who told you and how did you find out all these years later? If one of them told you it was not kind to do so.

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