How do reconcile the fact you may never have sex again?

[stillvicarinatutu]

I had a terrible sex
Life from 19 - 42 . Then a good one for 5 years. Then a really really good one for a few months .

Now single and 50 . Can't foresee any scenario where I'd be in a relationship again.

How do you reconcile this ? Having had Pandora's box opened and realising good sex was possible- how do you just pack that away again ? It was one of the reasons my very long marriage broke and now I'm kind of wondering if it was worth it for a few years of decent sex compared to 30 years of companionship and solidarity.

I can't undo what's gone - but the thought of being now completely celibate and not in a relationship for the rest of my life feels - pointless?

Anyone relate ?

I don’t think anyone has mentioned thinking you’re a vicar. And, while I’m sure you look nice, your appearance isn’t really relevant to what anyone’s said.

You don’t have to resign yourself to not having sex, as there are always people who will be willing to have sex with you. And while they might not be the love of your life, you can still have a perfectly delightful time.

Relationships are harder to find and I have no idea if the right chap for you is around the corner. I certainly hope so.

Sorry I think what I'm saying is I want good sex within a relationship.

I can't seem to do casual sex I'm afraid. (Bloody wish I could 😂)

That's elusive isn't it.

I was basing my perceived appearance on many old previous posts over the years. I was often told the imaginary me was dawn french in a tutu 😂.

I could have written your post when I was 50. I could write a book about disastrous OLD. The guy who removed his false teeth anticipating a night of passion. One who scraped coins out of a purse while insisting he paid for my coffee. The guy who sobbed over his meal telling me about his previous suicide attempts ( plural). Crap sex, no sex (didn't disclose impotence til lots of dates in) the ones looking for a sub or a dom or a mother. The alcoholics, the bitter divorced, the deadbeat father's , the wannabe cocklodgers. I had an epiphany when I was 50. I was the common denominator ...it was me choosing to talk to these guys or date them. I decided to give dating a miss.....and was totally off all sites and celibate for ten years.
I honestly never felt better...I did a lot of soul searching and then one night when I had just turned 60 i thought I'd dip a toe into the dating pool again. Got talking to a guy....it was during lockdown so we couldn't meet up for a while. We ended up talking every night for hours and by the time we physically met I felt like I really knew him. Only thing missing was the fact would we actually have chemistry. Fortunately we did. Now, two years later im very happy, great sex, great laughs and great companionship. Sometimes miracles do happen! 😁

That's heartening ❤️

OP — I genuinely mean this, no joke — I would try Toyboy Warehouse (it’s an app and dating site). It’s geared for older women to meet younger men. I’m not saying you have to go younger. I think the advantage would be that they are younger men who are actively looking / appreciated of women in your age bracket. Do not give up on good sex. We women must all band together and demand freedom, equal pay, and good sex til we’re (very!) old and grey!

Oh my darling I dont want a toy boy particularly. X

I'm 56 & done with men, haven't had sex or a relationship since 2016, I don't care & don't miss it.

But I do care and do miss it . I really connected with someone on a sexual level for five years . Holding hands , coming together. Looking into each other's eyes . Enjoying the moment . I want that again .

🤣🤣🤣

I absolutely feel you frustration with everything you are going through. After being dumped unceremoniously when I was 50 I went hell for leather on OLD. I have experienced all the horror stories most of us on here have gone through. I was not prepared to not ever have an intimate relationship again. However, after years of bad dates I gave up and had to reconcile the fact that I wouldn’t find what I was looking for. It was a depressing time and had to radically accept my status quo. It took a while to move on but I did. I decided to take up drumming, took lessons, bought a drum kit and started playing (I was mid 50s). I am late 50s now, still drumming and met another drummer through my associations, same age as me and we are now together, great sex, great laughs and a very full and busy life together. Never in a million years did I ever think that would happen. So, get out there and off the OLD sites. There are good men out there….somewhere x

Hi OP, it sounds odd, but I would advise you to give up searching, but not to actually give up hope and keep an open mind.
My guy “happened” when I least expected it in my late forties… twenty odd years (feels like yesterday!) ago.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and questioning my own boundaries.
My guy was genuinely only a friend, and was my confidant during the most difficult of times.
I never viewed my friend as a potential lover, as there was what I thought a significant age difference, and because my self esteem was pretty low, I didn’t even imagine he would be interested in me as anyone other than a friend.
Anyway, I finally woke up to ending my abusive relationship, and went back to living a single (celibate) life, with a bit of diy sex for comfort.
Long story short, my friendship with above guy continued, and somehow a few years down the line we “connected”.
We’ve gone from strength to strength since, I’m happy to say.

Ive exampled my experience, as I’m trying to say that if you do have an inner faith, that the right guy for you is out there somewhere, then it can happen, but maybe not how you might imagine.

I can see from your pic’ that you look after your figure, and I can sort of tell from your posts that you have a zest for life, and as you have experienced satisfying (an achievement in itself!) sex life, it’s difficult then to think that may never happen in a loving and respectful relationship.

Nobody knows what’s around that corner, or when it could happen.
whether it does or not, always value yourself and your needs, and then maybe the elusive “it” will happen, and he will respect and value you in return.
If you don’t find your “one”, at least you’ll have the dignity of not putting up with second best, or worse.

I hope I’ve given you food for thought, and given you a different perspective…

I truly did despair of ever having what I found all that time ago at such a late age, but like you, something must have been inside of me to enable me to open up to a relationship that was so unexpected.

I wish you luck 🍀 and please ignore any nastiness you may encounter on this thread.

I totally understand OP.

Now in my 50s I am happy to just be single if that is what life has in store for me.

If I meet men it will be through shared hobbies, volunteering or sports but certainly not online.

I am moving to a new location soon which I noticed had ''single nights'' for older people so I might also give this a go at least once or twice.

But I will never, ever use online dating again.

One of the men I met through online dating in my 40s became a friend (or so I thought) but ended up assaulting me further down the line. Nothing good came out of online dating for me.

As for bad sex, I think that is an issue with quite a few many men unfortunately. I blame it on the influence of porn, inability for some to see women as equal partners, inability to show emotions and a tendency to selfishness.

Completely understandable that you want a real partner, not just some immature time waster who uses OLD to find casual sex and does not have the ability to form deeper relationships.

It's sounds as though you want a good relationship with good sex thrown in. Personally in your situation I would just concentrate on being fit and healthy, making friends of both sexes, travel, have interesting hobbies. Masturbation is a substitute for simple sex. Just enjoy your life, be open to change and meeting people and if you meet someone ok, if not it's also ok.

I met my husband at 50, married at 54.

I hear you on this one. I can't let it all go either. It is frustrating though, and while I haven't had bad experiences in OLD (I don't do Tinder, only go on a minimal amount of dates), none of them were people I could see myself with, although they were quite nice as people.

I read somewhere that there's a lot of frustrated men on OLD as most of them get very little interest, but women tend to pick out the top 20% in terms of looks, job and money and then are surprised that these tend to be the flaky ones, or just looking for sex, as they are deluged with offers. I've met a few of these and luckily spotted them before meeting or I don't have sex with them anyway on a first date. so it would be a very poor bargain for them! I suppose what I'm saying isn't lower your standards in terms of behaviour/conversation, but it may be worth really interrogating the pool a bit more, are there any less conventionally handsome people who are very interesting or entertaining? I might be barking up the wrong tree though...and I do think meeting in person is a lot easier.

I'm too tired for it all right now, couldn't find the time or the energy for all that dating, but I hope to in the future, or at the very least take up some interesting hobbies or do voluntary work somewhere- someone may come along or they may not, but I think it's fine to take time out from it all for a while if you aren't feeling it- kind of regrouping and looking after yourself.

It's a bit early to resign yourself to no sex ever again! Unless you want it that way.

^

If you’re not willing to just look for a fuck buddy then you might end up going a long time without it.

I am the opposite to you, I don’t think I will ever have another relationship (not a long term one anyway) because most men are just annoying. Online dating has been a nightmare but it’s easy to find no strings sex, I can live with that 😬

@stillvicarinatutu you can and will find a loving relationship again.

But you are probably using the wrong methods. You said you've used sites like Bumble or Tinder? Those along with PoF are hookup sites to men. They aren't the sites to use if you are trying to find something a bit more meaningful.

Firemen and Police are sexy in those uniforms but chances are they don't have time for a lasting relationship and want a shag buddy so be wary of the types who target you. From your pic, you are a real cougar! You look fantastic and it is no wonder these blokes are chatting you up.

Refocus your attention to sites like eHarmony or Match.com. Specialist sites like SilverSingles might be more fruitful too and be honest in your profile. Outright state that you are not looking for a shag buddy, you are looking to find something more and hopefully this will encourage the quiet, shy blokes who feel the same to come out of their shells and DM you.

You might also find something more by putting yourself out there socially. What passions do you have that could lead to group activities? Walking or wine tasting? Do you like music or are you a foodie? You'll meet like minded men at group events.

And if none of that works, invest in a good clitoral stimulater and a power vibe and spend your time on yourself!

Is Match really more serious than Bumble?

I always thought you were a vicar, but never equated that with Dawn French, Vicar of Dibley.

I totally agree on dating apps. I met the love of my life in the pub, I was 50 and had started to accept the fact I'd be single for the rest of my life.
Just go out & talk to people in real life, worst case you'll have a bit of fun, best case you might meet the one... good luck!

Yeh, we did break up but at 47 and ground down to zero by POF and OLD, made to feel like a worthless ageing single mother, I met somebody hilarious and generous and clever at work, 5 years younger than me too. We were together for a few years but split up for reasons unrelated to age. My decision to split up though. It made me see that men on apps aren't the pick of the bunch. They just sign up to use women for sex.