Tight husband abuses joint account

[Thewifefury]

I've just been reviewing expenditure on my joint account which my DH and I use for bills and food shopping and I am horrified at how my husband appears to be using it for himself...over and over again. If we go on a night out I'll be buying drink rounds for us both from my personal account and on the very same night out he has been using joint account for his rounds. He has form for this. Once when we were away on holiday we ran out of the currency so we both went to a cash point and agreed to take £200 out each - later I found out his share had come out of joint account. I've recently been getting overdrawn notices (which is why ive forensically reviewed the account) he keeps saying its down to the electricity bill increases, which is having an impact - but frankly a drop in the ocean to his withdrawls! In July he made £1000+of additional spends including cash withdrawals of £200 at a time and his £350 dental bill! I am furious. He earns more than me and contributes proportionally more to the account, but we have agree what it can be used for and he is blatantly not sticking to the rules. How do I deal with this nonsense without having a massive barney?

Thanks for the comments.. I'm not thinking full divorce is required just yet @Pinkbonbon , but its got me thinking on what will it take to push me over my comfortable levels of marital disharmony...@Pansypotter123 Yes he generally is tight, doesn't want to pay to have anything fixed and is quite happy for me to pay for dinners for family/extended family on a regular basis without offering to contribute. Buys his parents £20 xmas presents whilst asking for £100/£200 gifts. I also bought our son's expensive xmas present last xmas and he was meant to pay me his share approx £400 but that never happened. I'm not scared of an argument (we have many differing opinions and heated debates), I just don't find arguments very productive and I get so mad that what I am saying gets lost and the emotional labour of it all takes over. I'm gonna try good cop first, limit my rage and look for some reasonable (bullshit) excuses and some sign of redemption/reimbursement on his part.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea - I doubt it! But I did laugh out loud at the thought!

Thanks for the ideas though on how to tackle him.

I think you seriously have to ask yourself what he brings to your marriage, as well as what he brings to the table - not much by the sounds of things and he's very keen to take from it too!

Your DH is stealing from you and taking financial advantage at every turn - that is not a very loving way for a husband to behave toward his wife.

This. Perfect solution.

You have two issues here - 1. how to approach the discussion with him and 2. how to manage joint bills going forward. Because whatever is said in the discussion, whatever agreement you come to, you can't trust him to stick to it as he is tight generally.
I think you should close the joint account, or get your name taken off it, then transfer exactly half the cost of bills to DH each month. Alternatively, ask him to hand over his joint account card to you so he can't use it 'by mistake'.

But even that won't solve the issue if it is always you who pays for household shopping and stuff for the DC - you could insist he pays up front and you will pay him back when you see the receipt, but does he ever actually go and do the shopping?
There is no way to get blood out of a stone and no way to turn a tight-fist into someone willing to pay their fair share.

When there is cash in the account go buy the xmas gifts for your son out of the account and a few bits more as well, so he can't use the account as it will have no cash in, THEN let him argue, and just say "WELL you do it, so why can't I!"

Your husband is literally stealing from you.

Just one example - your child's present. He owes you £400.

Take that from the joint account for a start.

He's functioning under the default position that "what's mine is mine, what's yours is ours".

He sounds like a right prick OP.

Why not take the £400 he owes you out of the joint account today as he hasn't paid it from his own account?

I think when it gets to a sufficient level of lack of respect for devious behaviour, you have real deep-seated issues.

The problem here is he knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing and doesn't understand how this might impact his future.

It really is a subtle (actually, maybe not do subtle) form of financial abuse as challenging it looks miserly but it adds up to a substantial disadvantage over the medium and long-term.

I had a similar situation with a savings account. He kept on using it as if it was just his account. I threatened to take all of the money out and he kept doing it. Eventually I took out all of the money and moved it to an account only I had access and I made him pay back what he owed and we had a talk about how a joint account is for both of us and not just for him to go out and enjoy himself. Once he'd paid it back I put all the money back in the account and he hasn't done it again!

Haha that was funny. I think she should have an open honest conversation with her husband which includes getting aligned on how they spend the household funds including dissociations on how they discuss and aveee payments exceeding a specific amount.

your approach does not resolve the issue at all and it will continue to fester and happen.

OP I wouldn’t bother being good cop first. He is taking the piss. He obviously knows he still owes you £400 for your child’s present. Or has he just conveniently forgot? You don’t need to waste loads of energy and labour on the conversation either. Just add up what he owes you and tell him literally with one sentence “you owe x amount to the joint account”. If he doesn’t pay, well it tells you everything you need to know really.

If you have a joint child surely any expense in respect of that child should come out of the joint account, including presents