bad relationship with sister at the age of 54, dont know where to go next

[user1494621907]

I am struggling once again, with my relationship with my sister.I am 54 and she is 55.I feel that at this point in my life, I have had enough of her putting me down, telling me what to do with my life, and trying to control me.
She is always perfect, mother theresa, and she contstantly digs at me.
But I have had enough, I guess I went a bit OTT in my message to her, but now we are just argueing constantly, she will NEVER admit that she is at fault in any way.I know that she is not that happy with her life, and my mother has said how jealous she was of me as a child.I have tried to reach out to her but she is all high and mighty and perfect again.All I want is a cordial relationship with her, as our mother is elderley and we need to communicate for her if nothing else.I dont know what to do, I hate fallouts but I cannot continue to be called 'lazy' and 'you lie in bed all day' etc I do not work mainly due to panic attacks/depression, but she will not let this go, and tells me how I should think politically all the time aswell, what is wrong with her.Her latest text tells me that 'you need to see a psychiatrist'Not sure where to go from here, very sad.

I have no advice but she sounds a lot like my sister. Unfortunately we have fallen out completely this year as I finally stood up for myself and I can’t see any resolution, communication goes round in circles as nothing is her fault and I won’t agree she’s right, so I’m grieving the loss. I wish I had answers for you.

Same here - there’s no good news about finding a way to communicate but not having to speak to them ever again is joy (I’ve been through the grief and it was worth it.

Cut down contact to an absolute minimum, don’t respond and don’t let her bait you. This kind of toxic relationship can only continue if you participate. I have a low tolerance for mean dickheads having been badly treated by my dad as a teen after my mum died.

Why waste any energy on her? Especially as you are not feeling emotionally great right now anyway? Just Grey Rock her (which is just acting as a rock and giving no emotion at all, just stay detached).

You are both stuck in a very long-standing feedback loop, just drop your end of the rope and walk away (have I mixed my metaphors there?!)

Drop her and spend time on and with any and all positive relationships in your life which give you happiness, fun and meaning.

The problem is that engaging in an argument or responding to people like that keeps it going, it's like their fuel.

Best course is to quietly disengage. Take longer to respond. Don't be around them. Fade out and train yourself to be disinterested. This way you damp down the drama.

These issues are life long. You cannot control her narrative of you. She casts you in a role in order to cast herself in another one that is superior. These patterns are set down in childhood and that level of recognition is required from both of you to sort it out. To be honest though I don’t think your mother helped you then or is helping you now by badmouthing your sister to you. Maybe you need to step back and see what happens.

Good grief, op. Drop the rope already. You and your sister are never, ever going to be close. You're never going to be friends. Believe it or not, that's perfectly ok. Just because you're sisters doesn't mean there has to be a relationship. Stop contacting her and let this come to a natural end. It's no one's fault, it's just the way it is.

This. I have a sister who, if I see her once a year, I can get on with. Any more than that and we irritate the hell out of each other.

So we see each other once a year.

Let it go. Very LC is absolutely fine.

Circular arguing brings nothing. I don't want relationships where we can only connect through conflict. That's not a relationship, that's a trauma bond. A quick look at the reality of life shows that sharing DNA with someone doesn't automatically make having a relationship with them healthy.

I want a close supportive relationship with my sibling but it's just not possible at this time and that's okay. I can't always have what I want but I can have healthy relationships with other people. And my sibling can't offer me a relationship but she can with others and that's okay.

Maybe in time things will change and we can reconnect on a meaniful level and maybe we can't but I know that as I read about relationships and childhood trauma I am learning so much about myself and others so that any relationship we might have down the road will be even better for it.

It sounds like you just dislike each other, th4 feeling is clearly mutual and to be honest it does read like you’re envious of her and she looks down on you

both of you need to be adults. Stop contact other than for your parent and keep it cordial when you do.

Thankyou for the advice.I think I knew this already, but its accepting it.I will be contact to a minimum.
I think as someone said the dynamic was set in childhood (she tended to bully me) this is never going to change unfortunately, and is not helped by the fact that her husband is a bit of a trouble maker, and puts ideas in her head.You get to a certain age and have to detox your life,

I am in no way envious of her, its the other way round!!

Exactly my Sister. Complete control, if I go out with friends or work late silent treatment. She talks behind my back to my elderly mother. She has lived at home all her life, no partner for 31 years no life massive OCD. It has affected me financially, mentally and my health. What is their problems thinking they are older they want to control your life. The doesnt drive so obviously resentment and jealous. I basically told her to F off last week and said to her stop controlling my life because of the choices you made in your life that has affected me in more ways than one at 53 I don't need this in my guess what - she screemed I walked away and you guess it no talking.