Thank you in advance for any “votes” either way. I’m finding it hard to figure out. And thank you for reading. It feels so mixed up to me.
Option 1.It’s fine: my partner is lovely, suits me well in some ways (what we want from life, similar values, interests), is kind, progressive, books date nights, supportive regarding my career, dreams big for us, is a great kisser, lovely looking, and there have been times where I’ve felt very certain he was “the one” (I don’t believe in “one” person, but still, that kind of feeling). He has always had some issues because of his upbringing, but he’s made progress and will continue to.
2.Incompatible: I’ve always been independent. We’ve always had problems that I hoped we would work out, but the last few years our emotions and energy have been taken up by recurrent mc, baby loss, and grief. No living children. Currently on TTC break after recent mc. I’m giving myself this time to deal w issues and think about what I want. We have talked and he agrees to work on them. But he always says things and they don’t happen re: sex life. Always says “yes! I’d love more!” but doesn’t initiate and won’t say anything if we haven’t for a long time. Socialising — “I’d LOVE to have people over” — never, ever books it. House is quiet always. I love people. If I had my “dream life”, I’d have people drop by every day (I WFH, so enjoy company). I love sex. I wonder if it’s because he really doesn’t want these things, but just says yes to please me? These (sex and socialising) are 2 of 4 issues. The others below.
3.Controlling — the other two issues are 1. if he is anxious or stressed (eg he has to prep for a work thing, not anything more crazy), he will tut at me, look at me like I’m in the way, walk around talking over the tv “right that’s ready, that’s done”, speak only impatiently to me, generally create an energy that’s not great. This happens often. It’s never a very dark atmosphere but it leaves me quiet and alone and feeling a bit pants to be tutted at. 2. He says borderline/subtle controlling things every day — like admonishing “oh I wish you had just…” / guilt “oh didn’t you do that?” / blame “who did this to my jeans?” (He did!). Lately I wonder if this behaviour I think is just “what he grew up with” is — even if he learnt it as a child — actually on purpose to get me to do whatever he wants in that moment. This is subtle but all the time and I wonder — should I be bringing children into the tension this blaming and admonishing creates? Is he going to blame, admonish, and tut at them once the glow of having them wears off a bit? And even if he doesn’t, I don’t want them to see him do that to me!
4th option, grief: We lost our baby (stillbirth at 7m) last year. We moved out of the city for a while because it was too much. We are very isolated. We have always had these issues, right from the beginning, although I think they are worse bc of this last year of pretty dark grief. We have been trying for children so long. We were so happy in our first few pregnancies, and I can imagine how happy we would have been if we hadnt lost them. Not perfect certainly, but not so stuck in our patterns. Him particularly—he is so concerned with his routine and I think it’s partly because we don’t have the new routine we both want so much so he’s concentrating on other things. Circumstances can be so hard on a relationship. It’s really hard to understand what is bad because of our circumstances and what is bad really.
Any opinions / thoughts / votes appreciated v much.