Domestic violence - am I being over sensitive now?

[KM247]

I really am 'asking for a friend', who wants some opinions/help about his relationship, but also, I'm now questioning if I've become really irreparably damaged.

Earlier this year I finally had the courage to leave a man who emotionally, physically and financially abused me for over a decade. It took me a very long time to leave. With the help of MN, victim support, women's aid, the police and some great family and friends, I am now enjoying the most incredible feeling of freedom.

But I'm worried I am now seeing everyone as being in the same boat and being easily triggered/overly sensitive. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone, well, certainly not at the moment, but now I think I'm a bit of a bad judge of character in general.

A male friend confided in me about some problems in his relationship. I can't work out how to help him, advise him etc.

To me, his partner seems quite controlling with very little respect. Couple of examples; he said she wouldn't be happy if he went out on a play date with a single Mum he'd met at the gym or school, but she just tells him she's meeting up with one of the single Dad's for a play date. 'If the boot was on the other foot' scenarios, I don't think he actually minds her meeting this Dad. Things like he shouted 'bye' three times the other morning and she just hollers back 'heard you the first time', not even bothering to say goodbye.

He has to ask to borrow the car, she takes all his money to pay the bills and leaves him almost nothing.

Things like this just make my 'abuse radar' ping. But I don't want to go back and say 'she's definitely abusing you'. Maybe they are just going through a bad patch.

Thrown me a bit. I've been so busy enjoying a blissfully quiet life with my children, I'd forgotten I'll someday need to navigate the real wor*ld and make decisions about people I meet.

Have no idea how the bottom part ended up in bold - please ignore haha

Firstly, I don’t think you should get too involved in that particular situation. Due to your own recent experience you are definitely not best placed to give advice.

in all my years as a parent I’ve never invited a guy on a play date and nor would I. Same for my DP.

lastly I find the biggest red flag here is the fact that this man is telling you his marriage issues - you know where that usually leads don’t you?

I've known him 27 years so I've got no worries about him in that way. He's a genuinely good friend, nothing more. I certainly wouldn't be talking to anyone 'new' right now.

You're right though, I don't need to involve myself do I. I can just say 'maybe speak to someone else'. Still learning I can say no!! Thanks for pointing that out.

Yes, I do find the whole thing of her meeting another man a bit odd. Not sure I'd be so accepting of it.

Personally I would tread carefully about saying to someone their partner is abusive; not so much in case you’re wrong but more because it can send someone into denial and create distance because they don’t want to face the reality that you’ve named (that is my personal and professional experience). I think you can gently voice that some aspects don’t send healthy or fair in him and give him the opportunity to talk that through

Remember there are two sides to the story and you are only hearing his.

Abuse radar can be on high alert for a while after leaving an abuser but ultimately, its a good thing. Better hyper aware than unaware as before.

Very, very true.

Very true xxx

Not being funny but your newly single/vulnerable status may have him interested in the wrong ways despite the 27 yr friendship. Call me cynical.

Don't think him confiding in you about his relationship is altogether appropriate. Has he only started telling you these things since you split up with your ex?

@category12 oh this is what I was worried about. Maybe I'm not seeing things clearly.

Yes, only started confiding in me the last few months. Although, I did confide in him when I was finally leaving my ex.

Didn't like to say it but I thought the same as the above poster. Men suddenly giving you a sob story about how hard their life is and how mean the woman they are with is...usually its some bs so they can get a leg over. Especially if he knows your ex was abusive so thinks that makes you an easy target.

Read up on 'the victim mentality of narcissists'.

Once you've had one narcissist or similar in your life, you often start to notice more in other capacities. Friendships, family ect...liklihood is your ex partner wasnt the only one around.

Oh maybe. Gosh, how to ever trust anyone ever again.

Thinking about it, a year or so ago he said 'she was a great Mum' and now he's very quick to run her down as a Mum and list her various failings. Why would he tell me that? Surely he'd tell her if he was worried about how the children are being looked after.

Do be careful, I can see how he could be using several methods to get you hooked and invested. In an ideal world you could just take his request for help and advice at face value, but we don't live in an ideal world. IMO the best course of action would be to say you aren't in a position to help him or give advice.

Yes, giving a polite but firm 'not sure I'm the best person to be asking' line and just avoid for a bit.

Sounds terrible, but even thinking about someone else's problems was making my head spin a bit.

I'd be cautious and bear in mind this possibility.

And step back from the confidence-sharing and relationship-talk.

It doesn't sound terrible - you've been through a lot, and you need to do your healing and resetting.

Yup, there you go, you've got it. Consider this - he chooses to stay with her and yet, is badmouthing her to you and in a way that lacks empathy for her.

I mean, how would she feel knowing he was saying these things behind her back to another woman? It's...disrespectful.

Not to say we cant ever moan about our partners to our mates but.

I think for me the best thing to do is to ask ourselves - is this person a nice human being? (Do they display empathy, kindness, follow through on their word, are they happy for the success of others ect...). And when the answer in your gut feels like a no (or even a maybe) avoid them.

That way it's less about looking at every little red flag. And more about just listening to your gut. Rotten people...often we know they are that way...but we make excuses for it. We tell ourselves we've misunderstood them or we say "maybe they just don't understand MY feelings". We dismiss their microaggressions or instances where they've failed to act like decent, empathetic human beings as instances of an off-day. When actually, we KnOW better. Our gut knows better. We've just learned to ignore it, to dismiss it.

Trust your gut.

Think this has shown me that I need plenty more rest and let's face it, there's nothing wrong with a quiet life is there...

It is sad though to think that after 27 years of friendship someone I really trust could be having different thoughts towards me, at a time I'm vulnerable.

Sometimes while we're trying our best to shine again, dark sorts get drawn towards us.

Nothing wrong with taking a step away from those you're unsure of whilst you heal. As others have said, an 'I'm not really the person you should talk to about this' is perfectly appropriate.

Don't get drawn in to another person's emotional dramas when you're still getting yourself healed anyway. You can't pour from an empty cup. Put yourself first.

@Pinkbonbon Absolutely, I'll be taking a step back. Will ben interesting to see if the friendship goes back to normal parameters, or if there is another motive, how he'll proceed next.

Or maybe he's just trying to get a female perspective from a friend that he's know for years and he knows has recently gone through something similar? OP says she confides in him when her relation was failing, but no one is accusing her of having an ulterior motive.

Meh, I suggested it as a possibility and advocated caution.

It's quite common in my experience for men to want to move friendships to something else when the woman becomes single. Since his tone about his partner has changed (eg. criticism of her parenting when previously appreciative), it suggests there's an element of him devaluing his partner to open the door to looking elsewhere.

I'm not saying it's a fact, just that op should be cautious.

And frankly, in the months following a break up with an abusive ex, the last thing she needs is to be taking on someone else's marital problems.

Be careful OP. Your male friend has just given you the introduction of 'the script'.

You are in a vulnerable position after your break up so just watch out. Don't be alone with him.

Also, be aware that often abusive people say that whatever they are actually like is how they present their partner to be "controlling" etc. So just take a step back. The same thing happened to me and it pretty much ruined my life. I fell for his every word.

Also be aware that in relationships we often repeat our own patterns. So don't end up in another abusive situation.

OP, I think other posters are right to question why suddenly this is all coming up now, when you're single and vulnerable. And there are a couple of things in your post that make me a bit cautious. Most specifically the "she takes all his money to pay the bills and leaves him almost nothing." They are married and have DC so why is he referring to it as "his" money. And if she's paying bills, then it's not like she's using it to party on a wednesday while he's sat at home eating beans on toast? My alarm bells ping the moment a person (usually a man) starts referring to their partner as "spending MY money".

The car is another one - whose car is it and what is its primary purpose? When DH and I only had one car, its primary purposes were for DH to get to and from work and for driving the kids around. The person who was not doing these things (usually me) therefore had to "ask" to use the car so that there was no risk of DH not getting to work or the DC not being picked up as required.

The three times to say goodbye thing is totally out of context. It may well be that she's a total cow. It could also be that he didn't hear her say bye back or that she's rushing and can't be bothered or that they had an argument that morning.

The single mum/dad playdate thing is a minefield. Personally, I hate it that people can't feel they can meet up with a person of the opposite sex to take the DC to the park. But if it's an issue, then it needs to be applied to both, not just one person. But I would be asking what "play dates" entail in this situation.

'I can't work out how to help him'

Just a side note op, it's not your responsibility to help someone fix someone else's marital problems.

Be careful of codependency - as a result of abusive relationships we often become more attuned to the needs of others and conditioned to thinking its out job to fulfil them.

Just watched out for yourself falling into this 'mother' role. It can be very unhealthy.

I would also add that you don't know what's been happening previously. If you listen to BIL you would 100% agree with him that SIL is abusive. But what's missing from that is the understanding of what has happened previously, how he behaves etc etc.

I always find it interesting how often on MN people are very clearly in abusive relationships but they spend a lot of time worrying it's their own fault, that they've done something wrong, that they've contributed to the problem etc. It is, quite frankly, part of the abuse - the gaslighting that makes the person question everything. BIL has never once questioned his own behaviour and it doesn't sound like your friend is either?