Shite. Im feeling really uncomfortable/neurotic about something and dont like it.

[tiredemma]

Have been with DP for 10 years this year, we met while both working abroad and for the first year it was more casual (but I was infatuated I believe). Anyway a year after being together I discovered that I was pregnant with DS1 (accident), we were still both working abroad and I decided at 4 months pregnant that I wanted to come home, massive heartache- DP wanted to stay overseas and finish the summer season-(didnt feel ready to come home???) returning at the end of august (ds1 was due Sept 20th).

So I returned back to the UK, looking for houses to rent etc while DP stayed overseas. Phoned everyday, letters etc. I coped really well, although I missed him so much and after a while it became evident that he was playing around- which obviously he lied about. At 7 months pregnant I flew out to visit him and from seeing me with my bump I suppose he decided to return back to the UK straight after me instead of the end of Aug.
(He a later said that it was at that point he 'fell in love' with me)

So he returned and has been a wonderful partner since then, fantastic dad- so supportive etc. I have never ever had any reason to suspect him of anything since he returned and I know that he loves me immensly (sometimes TOO much!)- he admitted the flings a while back and I forgave him and we moved on ( we have argued though about these before) But I trust him and love him so much.

Heres my problem, some friends who worked oveseas at the same time as us have recently arranged a massive reunion - I said I didnt want to go ( Not to keen on having to guess who he shagged behind my back) - plus I dont really know many of the people going- he became more pally with them after I left to return to the UK.
He wanted to go to see his old mates and I said no problem ( didnt feel funny about it at the time)-
But now- Its making me feel feelings I haven't felt for years - I know that there will be people there that knew he was cheating on me, I know that there will be girls there that he cheated on me with.

Im not one for telling people what they can and cant do- would never dream of telling him that he cannot go but this is starting to drive me mad- I hardly slept last night thinmking about it. The rational part of me trusts him and believes that he wouldnt do this again...BUT the irrational parts keeps popping in- I wont be there to see what happens- he hasnt seen most of these people since he returned to me. I cannot get it out of my head that he may ignite feelings for someone again.

Im NEVER like this, I feel sick- I dont want him to go- but at the same time do, because he has some good friends going. I feel like such a neurotic twat.
God knows what he would think if he knew I was feeling like this.

Hi. Poor you - I can see understand why you are feeling like this. I really think you should talk to your DP about it so he can reassure you.

hi emma!

wow, this is a hard one for you to get your head around. can you go with him? after all you're the one with him and his children, the other girls from way back don't count now.

he sounds like he really loves you and loves being a dad, but I can well understand your jealousy of his past, my dh was married before me and it took me ages to accept that I wasn't the "only one".........

I think if you don't go you should (try) to let him go with your best wishes, hard though it'll be.

don't beat yourself up for feeling like this, I'd be the exact same!

I hope you get through this, maybe you could gently explain to your dh how you feel (watering it down a bit if you feel necessary!)

good luck, you're such a kind and thoughtful person I really wish you well!

ssd x x x

emma, I'm snowfunwhenyourknackered!!!

You are not neurotic, and I'm sure you are not a twat!! LOL!! Stop beating yourself up.

You said that you were infatuated, but he wasn't yet. For you, the relationship began when you met him, based on your feelings for him.

Sounds like for him, the relationship really began when you were 7 months pg. Guys ARE different.

If he really isn't the type to stray (ok, stray anymore), then can you consider this period his PAST, and just move on?

Why can't you go with him?

Everyone has matured in the last ten years, so I'm sure they are not all laughing at you, or whatever you are worried about, but it will be an enormous benefit to you to face it, show them (her!) that you are now a committed couple, in love etc etc

Good Luck

10 years is a very long time - and you've had 9 years of a strong, solid relationship from what you say. People change so much in that time - don't assume he's the same person he was then and would behave in the same way. I agree that you need to talk to him about how you're feeling.

It is you he chose.

It is you he is with.

It is you he loves.

Men just take a bit longer to grow up.

You should talk to him about your feelings - men never understand these things unless they are explained to them very clearly.

(voice of experience here)

Thanks for replying.

I really dont want to go, I couldnt bear guessing about people and watching his behaviour- I would probable end up arguing with him and creating more problems.

I really need to speak to him, I know that he will re-assure me but I dont think that will be enough. I hate this feeling - deep down I know he wont do anything- but I think about alcohol involved, old feelings, etc etc and think the worst.

I would ask your DP to come clean and name names. Then you won't be wondering. Tell him you'd like to go but will be really uncomfortable otherwise. I would go to the reunion, look fabulous and be really friendly to everyone. If the women he names are there you can either let them know you are in the know or just be ever so slightly chilly.
They were just flings, you are the one he realised he wanted in his life. I know from experience sometimes this is not enough to salve the wound, especially since you were preg at the time but the reality is it was a long time ago and he's with you, not one of them.

Thanks everyone.

hope it all works out - i know how you feel surely if he knows how bad you feel he will choose not to go either.

'old feelings'? Goodness - I can't think of anyone I ..er...knew ten years ago that I would willingly re-ignite! And i'm sure it's mutual. However keen I was at the time. Once your decision is made, it's made. Also - you don't actually know if anyone present will be the one /s that he was messing around with It may have been other people in the town, or visitors or whatever.

I would ask him to tel you. It seems to me that all along it has been the guessing and second guessing and not wanting to second guess that has been part of the problem. Just get him to tell you. If it doesn't matter - and you've moved on, then it doesn't matter who.

And it sounds as if you have an enviably wonderful relationship - with active ongoing love.

Take strength!

And, why not go? It could be fun!

I had something a little bit similar.

When I met my dh he was still "with" his ex girlfriend, she was left back in Poland, he had come here. However, in his opinion he broke it off with her prior to leaving, and she played the "I might be pregnant" card, and started visiting with his mum daily. Months passed, she was stil on the "no, no period yet", but at the same time there was no bump. Two weeks after I met him, he told me she rang saying she was coming to London to visit. I panicked. In young naive sharing spirit he had told me she was extremely beautiful, and they had been with eachother for more than 2 years prior to him coming here. I consoled myself he could not loved her that much if he left.

7 years down the line we are invited to his best mates wedding back in Poland. We fly out a few days prior to the wedding, and best mate drops the bombshell that this ex, now divorced with two kids, had bumped into mates mum in the shop and invited herself to the wedding when she heard my dh was coming. Best mates mum said yes that would be nice. Total panick again, I did not want to meet this woman, and I did not want my dh to meet her. Luckily, mates mum thought better of it and rang Exs mum and said it really would not be appropriate for her to come seing as my dh would be there with his wife, thereby uninvited her.

I think that your dhs colleagues might not even remember the chain of events, that he was actually with you at the time.

In a way, it was so long ago that maybe it does not matter so much who shagged who. These women may not look anything like they did, they may not even come, maybe they have husbands now, and dont consider it appropriate to go.

If I were you, I would go, and try not to be insecure, he left them for you, to settle down with you. Go, and show off a man who is totally devoted to you!

I was going to mention it tonight, but he came back from Rugby a bit intoxicated and I knew he would turn into a slobbery drunk, so will leave it for a few days.

thanks so much everyone for replying.

no problem emma!