Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wanting abusive ex husband back

18 replies

Havingamoment247 · 16/10/2022 19:53

Please be gentle.

5 months ago my abusive ex husband left me. He cheated for years, financially abused me, sexually assaulted me during my sleep numerous times, emotionally and mentally abused me and spent zero time with our 3 year old since they were born.

I only realised how bad the abuse was after he left. I knew whilst he was here it was a terrible relationship, I know that, but he’s been gone months, already has his new girlfriend and whilst I’m dating absolutely lovely guys too, everyday I miss him. After every date I think, we should have been doing that (whatever the date was) together. I have voice notes, emails and texts showing me how horrific he was to me and my son (yet I constantly question if I was the problem!!) but I can’t help but think, I wish he’d come back.

I know I’m trauma bonded, I’m currently in counselling (my counsellor is amazing) I listen to podcasts and read books about the intricate details of recovering from abuse etc so I’m aware that I’m not recovering from my abuse that well, but that doesn’t stop me missing him.

Has anyone else been in the situation? How did you get through it? I just feel so guilty and ashamed for missing him and wanting him back, even when I’m dating nice guys, I just can’t help but wish my marriage worked out.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/10/2022 20:17

I'd personally be staying single for a while, it's been 5 months, what's the rush to start dating

SunsetsArePretty · 16/10/2022 20:33

You're in a mourning period over the loss of your marriage, rather than missing your abusive ex. Time is the only thing that will ease this. Leave dating alone for a while and focus on you and your child. Keep up with the counselling and you'll get there.

SpinningFloppa · 16/10/2022 20:34

Doesn’t sound like you are ready to start dating

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 16/10/2022 21:36

It’s fantasy vs reality. You can imagine your partner to be the kindest, most attentive, lovely partner —- but you know that’s not the reality.
As @SunsetsArePretty says you’re in a mourning period for the relationship you thought you had. If you find yourself thinking “ that should have been us” list the awful things your ex did.
You’ll get there but you’re also emotionally vulnerable atm so be careful who you let in.

Original poster
Havingamoment247 · 16/10/2022 21:42

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 16/10/2022 21:36

It’s fantasy vs reality. You can imagine your partner to be the kindest, most attentive, lovely partner —- but you know that’s not the reality.
As @SunsetsArePretty says you’re in a mourning period for the relationship you thought you had. If you find yourself thinking “ that should have been us” list the awful things your ex did.
You’ll get there but you’re also emotionally vulnerable atm so be careful who you let in.

Thank you. I feel a bit jaded and blue. You’re right though, it’s not reality, I still think sometimes there’s hope for us (weirdly) but even tonight (he dropped our child back) he was so difficult and mean. The man I love doesn’t exist.

The dating thing is hard, I only go on one date every two weeks (as that’s when my ex has our child) and it’s nice to be wanted again but I’m not fully invested which is not fair on the other people. It’s all a bit of a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Havingamoment247 · 16/10/2022 21:43

SunsetsArePretty · 16/10/2022 20:33

You're in a mourning period over the loss of your marriage, rather than missing your abusive ex. Time is the only thing that will ease this. Leave dating alone for a while and focus on you and your child. Keep up with the counselling and you'll get there.

Thank you. I wish there was a timeline when this period would be over. I don’t want to miss him, I hate wasting my time and emotions over him and what could have been but I find myself doing it a lot when I’m alone. It’s frustrating and just a bit sad.

OP posts:
SunsetsArePretty · 16/10/2022 21:48

Allow yourself to feel the emotions as you work your way through the grief. It's perfectly normal and it will eventually get easier. It just takes time.

SquishyGloopyBum · 17/10/2022 07:06

Stop dating. Plus do the Freedom Programme.

jeaux90 · 17/10/2022 08:10

@SunsetsArePretty is right. Let yourself go through the grief, the loneliness etc because it's only on the other side of that you will become comfortable in your own company and skin.

See this as armour, it's your protection, because once you are ok alone, you've gone through it you won't compromise yourself again.

Stop dating, use the time instead to be with friends or enjoy the time on your own.

GottaBeStrong · 17/10/2022 08:52

It is really hard. Maybe swap the dating for a new interest or hobby. Or use it as time to catch up with friends or family.

I understand where you are coming from. I don't feel quite as strongly about my abuser - he's currently on remand for what he did to me and our child, but I do miss the good bits. We had our little routines around shared interests and things we enjoyed and our little things we did together that were perfectly pleasant. I miss those. I miss the times he would play with our child and do more of the dad style stuff. Our child misses those times too even though, like me, they feel overall relieved to now be safe and free.

When I feel too much centred on the missing and glorifying the relationships, I have to go back go what he did to us and remind myself of some facts. Like one of the other posters said, write down lists of the bad stuff. Maybe even write an account of your relationship from the beginning - that will keep you busy.

The good stuff had become a fraction of the time we were together. Mostly it was bad. It helps to bring my brain back to those facts.

At the end of the day, as hard as it is for us to drum this into our heads and fully grasp it, we have to keep reminding ourselves: these men we are missing don't actually exist. I still find this so hard to wrap my head around.

The man he showed me at the beginning and the 'dream' of a lovely family life he constantly sold me does not actually exist at all and never did. What he was able to do was the conjure up this reality for me for small periods of time to support what he was telling me. It wasn't genuine, it was all part of the sick game he was playing - he was playing at a relationship, whereas I was actually genuinely trying to have one.

Crabwoman · 17/10/2022 08:58

What everyone else said.
But stop dating and do the freedom programme. Or you could end up in the same position again in a few years.

Hoppinggreen · 17/10/2022 08:59

You don’t miss him, you miss the man you wanted him to be.
That man doesn’t exist

CoffeeLover90 · 17/10/2022 09:09

Is it him as a person you miss or the dream you had?
I get it, I can't judge, I took the ex back around 5 times and he just got worse. It was like a game, to see how much he could get away with. I can't advise you as I wasn't strong enough to stay away myself. All I can say is, I promise he'll be worse if you do, that dream you had is not happening. This latest time has been so different, it was the straw that broke the camels back,I think. I had counselling and admitted I didn't want him back but I was grieving a man I thought existed, a family I thought I would have, everything had been a lie and it was hard to come to terms with. It's been over 6 months and I can't contemplate another man. I'm spending time alone, with friends and family, keeping myself busy and will start the freedom programme in the new year. Now may not be the best time to date, you need to learn to be happy in your own company, with your own independence, get through the trauma with counselling before letting someone else in. Build yourself into a person that won't go through this shit again. Learn the signs that tell you to run in the opposite direction. If possible, arrange someone else to do pick up and drop offs, ask a mutual friend or family member to convey necessary messages to him about DC, he does not need contact with you to see DC, it's just another excuse to abuse you in some way.
Please try to stay strong and stay away.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/10/2022 12:33

It seems like the dating is linked to him and isn't going to be healthy at this point. You need to do other things when you get that free time, things for yourself and to define yourself as something other than being with a man. As long as your self-worth is tied to being wanted by another man, it's going to be wide open to abuse. I know it's really hard to change ingrained patterns, but you've started the work with the counsellor and need to keep building on that, building your resources with friendships, interests, things that make you feel stronger until you realise you don't need him or any of these dates to make you feel valued. Then you'll be ready to date without comparing them to him or wanting him back.

TiffanyWithBoyFriend · 18/10/2022 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rmummyofone · 22/10/2022 15:52

@Havingamoment247 hey I'm in a very very similar position to you, like you he left me and only after he left I realised how bad what I experienced was. I'm a Muslim, my ex forced me to cover my face, he wouldn't allow me certain jobs, he would control my finances, he would criticise me as often as he could, he would cheat online all while keeping me covered head to toe outside, he'd have escorts numbers on his phone, and pressure me into sex / having another baby throughout the last 3 years, using religion to guilt me into it. My ex would be emotionally unavailable accuse me of having bipolar and so much more.

Sandwiched between all this was the snippets of the man I fell for, this is the intermittent reinforcement that locks us in. Trauma bond is so very real, i cry daily sometimes multiple times a day too, but someone on those post said something that resonates perfectly with me, "you don't miss him, you miss the man you wanted him to be" you snd I know deep down someone who loves us wouldn't treat us that way.

Do you remember crying your soul out, like a baby? Crying so hard it would physically hurt? Do you remember feeling second best like an option, do you remember falling asleep hoping the pain would be gone when you'd wake up? Do you remember hoping and praying to god for change, for better days, do you remember the drop in your stomach when he did you wrong? If you said yes to any of these, that's not love.

I resonate with you entirely and I'm happy for you to message me and I can support you too, we're in the same boat.

I am mourning the future I wanted, the marriage I wanted too. Like you, irrational thoughts and comparisons are so very real. I've enrolled to the freedom programme and my counsellor is amazing.

I also reported him to the police for what he did and compiled as much evidence through texts and people of these behaviours. This kept me busy for a while but reality hits me HARD.

I'm hopeful for a better future. Think about what you'd say to your daughter / sister or friend if she was in your position.

I'd be telling her RUN, better days will come. Sometimes the only way out is through.

Mamacosse · 02/05/2023 00:45

rmummyofone · 22/10/2022 15:52

@Havingamoment247 hey I'm in a very very similar position to you, like you he left me and only after he left I realised how bad what I experienced was. I'm a Muslim, my ex forced me to cover my face, he wouldn't allow me certain jobs, he would control my finances, he would criticise me as often as he could, he would cheat online all while keeping me covered head to toe outside, he'd have escorts numbers on his phone, and pressure me into sex / having another baby throughout the last 3 years, using religion to guilt me into it. My ex would be emotionally unavailable accuse me of having bipolar and so much more.

Sandwiched between all this was the snippets of the man I fell for, this is the intermittent reinforcement that locks us in. Trauma bond is so very real, i cry daily sometimes multiple times a day too, but someone on those post said something that resonates perfectly with me, "you don't miss him, you miss the man you wanted him to be" you snd I know deep down someone who loves us wouldn't treat us that way.

Do you remember crying your soul out, like a baby? Crying so hard it would physically hurt? Do you remember feeling second best like an option, do you remember falling asleep hoping the pain would be gone when you'd wake up? Do you remember hoping and praying to god for change, for better days, do you remember the drop in your stomach when he did you wrong? If you said yes to any of these, that's not love.

I resonate with you entirely and I'm happy for you to message me and I can support you too, we're in the same boat.

I am mourning the future I wanted, the marriage I wanted too. Like you, irrational thoughts and comparisons are so very real. I've enrolled to the freedom programme and my counsellor is amazing.

I also reported him to the police for what he did and compiled as much evidence through texts and people of these behaviours. This kept me busy for a while but reality hits me HARD.

I'm hopeful for a better future. Think about what you'd say to your daughter / sister or friend if she was in your position.

I'd be telling her RUN, better days will come. Sometimes the only way out is through.

Been reading old posts as currently struggling to keep away. The questions you asked hit home so hard, I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you.

Op what happened? Hoping you're okay 🙏

Watchkeys · 02/05/2023 00:50

Your dating life isn't 'a mess', because you can stop it, right now. Mess, gone.

Your issue with your husband... you need to work out where that comes from. What did you learn about relationships, growing up? Were you given a good example by your parents? You're replicating something... your relationship with your parent(s), their relationship with each other... what is it?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page