Son and access with his dad

[Bluemoon22]

Not sure where to post this. 6wks ago me and my son left my abusive ex after he was arrested. My son hasn't seen his dad since on SS advice. Last week SS gave the all clear for son to have contact with his dad. 2 days ago he had video call contact with his dad to prepare him for seeing him today. Yesterday morning son started calling me a loser again. Picked him up after contact with his dad today and straight away calling me a loser and saying he hates me. I duno what to do. Since we left i had nipped name calling in the bud and his behaviour has been really settled

I feel sorry for your son. His dad is teaching him how to become an abuser in plain sight.

Go back to SS and tell them what is happening. if the case is closed they may not be interested and tell you to go down the legal route.

I absolutely would withhold contact and wait for your ex to get himself a lawyer.

to anyone else reading this who is with an abuser take note your kids really are affected by these evil men who call themselves fathers and husbands

Following this to see what advice you're given...sorry for your situation it's so tough and I can truely empathise

The case isn't closed as of yet. The social worker is on annual leave until the 24th then she was doing the report so it could be closed. I have worked so hard with my son to stop the name calling which he did and his behaviour was so settled and now we are back to square one.

How old is ds?

I would start getting legal advice too.

He is 4. I can't afford legal advice. The worse part is my dad is facilitating contact cos ex isn't allowed contact with me. He heard my son calling me names and said absolutely nothing apart from have a go at me saying he's done with me if i report this to SS

I would report this to Social Services, do not wait till the current Social worker returns from leave.

Your dad's behaviour towards you now is reprehensible and probably also why you got with a man like your ex in the first place. I'd stay away from him as of now and be done with him.

Do contact the Rights of Women organisation as they can advise you. You do not need money to get legal advice.

Yeah i'm going to report it tomorrow to SS and also the safeguarding woman at school because i need to talk to her anyway. I just feel so deflated and alone right now.

Do you have anyone else who could facilitate contact? The person doing contact on your behalf needs to be on the side of you and your son. If he let's things like this slide and actively tries to cover it up then he shouldn't be doing contact. What about a contact centre? I would push for that.

My daughter is in a similar position to you and her dad and I support her 100%. Your dad's behaviour is disgraceful.

@knittingaddict only my mum but she works a lot so it just wouldn't be consistant which my son needs. I think i am going to suggest a contact centre going forwards.

It is good that your case is still open. Please don’t think SS are evil and want to take your child. They absolutely don’t.

Tell your safeguarding lead tomorrow and ring the team and tell them what has happened. Tell them you are worried your son will become just as abusive as his father. Ask about contact centre contact. He will be supervised the whole time and will have to keep his mouth shut!!!

and with a father like yours I am not surprised that you have been attracted to an abusive man

i would not even contact a lawyer - if they don’t give you supervised contact I would just withhold contact from your ex then he will have to find a lawyer and initiate proceedings

what a disgusting man using his own son as a weapon to hurt and control you.

you need to talk to the SW and ask her how you should tell your son what his dad is saying is wrong - ask for her help in doing it if your son won’t listen to you

@Quitelikeit thanks. The social worker i have is really lovely and i aired all this to her as concerns before contact started. If i with hold contact and he takes me to court would that not go against me? My son knows its wrong we have talked about it enough times and since being free of his dad has stopped saying it. Just sad that now his dad is back in his life he associates him with the abuse and it starts again

Start keeping a diary of all incidents just in case it's needed in future.

Is it supervised contact, maybe in a contact centre? I'm not asking for specific details but if he was arrested in connection with his abusive behaviour and now cannot contact you as a result, why on earth he is allowed unsupervised visiting with DC? It's shocking that this has happened and I really feel for you. I hope talking to SS and school tomorrow helps put a plan of action in place and you can get this sorted but I would be getting prepared for a future court case

@MaybeIshouldnt i have started a diary after the video contact Friday night so will have that as evidence. Yes he was arrested for emotional/physical abuse, coercive control and sexual assualt/rape towards me. All of which happened in the presence of our son and i have evidence to prove that which the police have. The police decided he wasn't a threat to his son because none of the abuse was directed at him. SS agreed after speaking to our son about his dad even though our son told SS that daddy calls me a loser and sings silly songs about me that he could see him unsupervised. It beggars belief fo me but they are the professionals and they told me if i don't agree to access he could take me to court and get full custody or 50/50

I'm so sorry to hear that. You've been (and going) through a horrendous time and don't deserve this on top.

Are police still investigating the crimes he was arrested for? Is there likely to be a prosecution? I sincerely hope so and hopefully when if he gets done, hopefully this will automatically help your case when it comes to contact/parental control.

Please take proper legal advice. Would you not be entitled to legal aid? Maybe post something in the legal forum and someone might be able to point you in the right direction with this

@MaybeIshouldnt yes the police are doing an investigation. He will get done for the physical assualt because he has admitted it (but only a caution) but the sexual stuff will get sent off to a specialist department to see if there's enough evidence to take it to court and get a conviction. Yes i will post in the legal section and see if anyone knows about that side

What a disgusting person he is.

SWs know that everything you have been subjected to impacts your child and will continue to do so if he is exposed to this vile man.

keep the SW on your side. Keep talking to her - let her know the depths of what he did to you and how it is impacting on your son on a daily basis.

I am so sorry for what you have been through. Rise above this loser.

Absolutely agree.