I am jealous of my bf`s ex + low self-esteem

[Hundeliebe]

Hello. First of all : My boyfriend knows about my issue and I have already had a good talk with him about it and he gave me reassurance. Now I've gotten to a point where I have to figure this out on my own. Unfortunately, I don't know how, so I'm looking for help here. I'm not the only one with the problem either when I Google it, but the typical things like "Hes with you for a reason" blah don't help me somehow.

I'll try to be brief...and i excuse myself in advance for my bad english.

My boyfriend (28) and I (25) have been a happy couple for 4 years. I'm still very young and a lot can happen in life, but I imagine him as my lifepartner and he does so too. He has a 10 year old son (he became a father at an early age by accident) from a previous long term relationship that lasted 7 years. His boy, who I get along with very well, is a really cool, intelligent.

The breakup happened because once a year or so he caught her texting (flirting) with other men in forums and she also met up with them. He doesn't know whether she betrayed him sexually, because she also lied and denied a lot. But he didn't wanna breakup with her, also because of the child and so it happened that she broke up with him, and he even begged her to stay with him.

Their relationship wasn't bad through and through, there were also a lot of good phases. They also have the same interests: music, i.e. metal, the Middle Ages, Vikings. she dresses very nicely like a forest bride, forest elf, Viking bride and that's what she looks like. She is very petite and small, she has beautiful long ginger hair. Overall a natural beauty. Originally working in the flower shop, she is now self-employed and sewing medieval/norse style dresses. As you can see, I adore her a lot, even though she hurt my boyfriend

He tells me that she may be beautiful, but that completely loses its value because she is an ugly person from the inside. And yet I feel ugly both on the outside and on the inside : I'm overweight, brown dull hair. I'm just average and can never get close to her. And as far as inner ugliness goes, I've already hurt him by drunk talking to other guys at a party. So the argument: "Exactly! She may be beautiful, but you have the most valuable quality: loyalty" unfortunately cannot be used with me. I didn't betray him, but I wasn't correct to him. That's resolved though, he forgave me and I'm trying to be a better partner but still I always feel like I don't deserve him. He's just a wonderful person and he deserves a wonderful beautiful woman who respects him.

I really dont wanna lose him though. Sometimes I imagine our breakup and I have to cry. And sometimes I'm asking myself: Maybe, after all, he wants her back...? After all, it wasn't him who broke up, it was her. And also, she will always be a part of his life because of the kid, that means he will always have some form of contact with her, even see her, meetup with her...Just big oof.

Of course i knew that from the beginning of our relationship, but back then I was optimistic and naive.
In any case, when I tell him about the issue, he confirms me that I'm better than her etc... that doesn't help unfortunately and I also know that nobody can help me except myself. But maybe someone has advice for me.. Thanks a lot in advance!!!

So you're actually jealous of how pretty she is, because in terms of how loyal you are to your partner, you're no different to her. Poor bloke, you are however correct that he deserves someone who will actually be loyal to him, care about , respect and love him, which clearly is neither you or his ex.

He 'forgave' you for speaking to other men at a party?

Oh, what a noble thain he is. My arse.

Bollocks to that.

I spoke to them and completely ignored him. He was sober, I was drunk...

That`s exactly what I was telling him as well: that I am no different to her. Well, one thing is actually different: I dont lie. But does this make it better? I don´t think so...

He told me I am better, she made worse mistakes. But this does not make me any worthier for him. I don´t wanna lose this wonderful person but yet he doesn´t want to break up with me even though I often tell him that he deserves better....

You've encountered some charming members of mumsnet above. Just ignore them.

It's easy to fall into the comparison trap. I've done it so many times myself.

Regardless of her looks, personality or there history, they aren't together. You and him are. If you aren't able to see your self-worth, you'll eventually push him away.

Youre the only version of you. If there are things you don't like about yourself, why not jazz yourself up with some new makeup or a nice outfit? Keep working on your self esteem...confidence takes time to build. You are enough x

And?

Unless you mounted one in the middle of the party and ride him like a pony, that's what people do - talk to others at parties.

Thanks a lot JamSandle. You get me...The comparison trap is real.

and I really gotta work on myself and my self-esteem. I am already trying to lose some weight and when things are going well I feel so much better and don´t even think about his ex.

I just so low because I saw her yesterday in person for the first time as we took his son to go to a family birthday party and she is just as gorgeous as in her social media, or even more...
So you are right. I just have to concentrate on myself...

It was not just small talk though. I had a really deep conversation with one guy and yeah, I don´t think thats appropriate when my boyfriend is sober and not enjoying himself since he has to drive me home. I don´t know..

OP, it's very sad you feel like this but I kind of understand it too. As someone said above, you are in danger of pushing him away and what happens then? I'm not entirely sure that you won't take the same lack of confidence and self-esteem into all future relationships, always finding a reason why you're 'not worthy' and self-sabotaging each one.

If you love this man and he truly is as wonderful as you say, I think it's time to get some counselling/therapy to help you deal with building your self-esteem and to realise that you are indeed worthy of love. As you said, having your DP or someone telling you that you're enough is not going to change your mindset at this point. It the nicest way possible, you need some professional help

I hope you manage to work everything out

Thank you.. I also thought about therapy. I really don´t wanna destroy the relationship that could be the relationship of my life, since he is also my best friend. Thanks a lot

He's done a right number on you. Got you thinking you have to be grateful for his existence and grovelling for his approval.

Let me guess - you're thinking about whether it's appropriate for you to wear clothing that shows your figure now you're with him (unless he approves of it), maybe wondering if your makeup is too much, eyes down in case another man realises how beautiful they are?

You're falling into a relationship that isn't just unequal, it's toxic.

What the actual hell? You had a deep conversation with a man and that’s a problem? On what planet? You’re not allowed to have serious conversations with men? Why is that inappropriate? Who says it’s inappropriate - is this what your boyfriend has told you?

You seem hyper focussed on looks. I have no idea if she’s better looking than you, perhaps she is. So what? Why does that matter? Do you genuinely think beautiful people are more ‘deserving’ of relationships? If so, why? Do you think beautiful people have more intrinsic value than less attractive people? If so, why?

It’s also not a you v her choice, your boyfriend is choosing to be with you as opposed to every other possible partner available to him. It’s an active choice that he’s made and continues to make. So, what’s the problem?

Well, I gotta say this is not how he behaves. He lets me wear whatever I want, only he does not like a lot of make-up since it hides my "natural beauty", so i guess it´s just a preference to like natural make up or no make-up at all which is a common thing among men, I think.

So no, it´s not like that. He is a good man who just wants to have a loyal and respectful woman, and I don´t know if I can be that way since I like my ego to be pushed from other men, at parties. If you ask me, the toxic behaviour is coming from me :))...But he always forgives me and doesn´t wanna let go our overall good relationship ! It could be better if it wasn´t for me

Can you explain what you mean by ‘a deep conversation’?

Because on the one hand it sounds like you had a conversation with a man.

On the other hand it sounds like you purposely ignored you boyfriend to engage and flirt with this man to feed your own ego, knowing it would bother your boyfriend. Also sounds like it’s, potentially, a pattern of behaviour for you.

Thanks for the food for thought..I not only talked with them, I also danced with them (but not closely or flirty or whatever) to my bf´s and mine favorite song lol. He just felt left out...

Thank you really, all your questions are helping me. I think the problem is just in my head, thats also what he told me

I just talked a lot with one guy, or better I listened to his life story. I was drunk and just assumed my boyfriend has also a conversation going on, since I sometimes looked at him. I didn´t want to ignore him on purpose, no way, but of course I fed my ego by earning attention from another guy. So yeah, I think this is a behaivioural pattern of mine, and I dont know what to do about it.

So, you danced with them. So what? Are you under the impression that if your boyfriend isn’t the focus of your attention 100% of the time, you’re doing something wrong? As that isn’t healthy. Your boyfriend wasn’t ‘left out’. It was a party. He should also have been having conversations and dancing.

He is a good man who just wants to have a loyal and respectful woman, and I don´t know if I can be that way since I like my ego to be pushed from other men, at parties. If you ask me, the toxic behaviour is coming from me :))...But he always forgives me and doesn´t wanna let go our overall good relationship

There is nothing to forgive. If your boyfriend thinks that daring to have a conversation and dance (in an appropriate non flirty manner) with someone is behaviour that warrants ‘forgiveness’, then he’s a controlling pile of garbage. And if that’s the sole point of contention or an example of your alleged ‘wrongs’ in a four year relationship then you are clearly a spectacular partner.

There is nothing wrong with this ‘behaviour pattern’. It’s normal behaviour. And I’m not sure where this ‘fed your ego’ nonsense has come from (presumably your boyfriend), but it’s utter bollocks.

In healthy relationships, people go to parties and chat to other people. And, on the way home, or the next day, we might say to our partner ‘I had the funniest/super interesting/super boring conversation with XX, last night’ and relay a few anecdotes. And they’ll do the same. It’s utterly unremarkable.

It really doesn’t sound that bad. Because it still sounds like all you did was talk and dance.

But it seems like you feel you did more. Which may be based on the fact that you knew you were doing this to feed your ego. I wouldn’t be impressed with dp ditching me at a party to listen to a woman’s life story to boost his own ego from her attention, then dancing with them. Whilst still ignoring me.

I can’t make my mind up on that one, tbh.

Op why do you ‘adore’ her, if you have only just met her in person? Are you stalking her social media? It sounds like this has gone a bit beyond just self esteem problems. Like you are fixated with her.

Oh, right. 'Natural beauty'. It means 'don't want her feeling like she looks good'.

A healthy relationship is 'you're beautiful without makeup - wow! You look amazing with it, too!'. And it's where 'It was a great party - you were having fun and dancing, you looked so happy and confident, no wonder everybody wanted to talk to you.'

Your posts seem very focused on him. There's more to life than having a bf.
What do you have going in your life just for you?
Friends, school, career, hobbies?

The fact you’re comparing talking to another person at a party with her cheating on him, and him acting like it’s the same by “forgiving” you it’s the worst part of all this.
You spoke to another person at a party while he was with you. You didn’t cheat on him. You didn’t do anything wrong (as far as your replies on here go). She met up with other men and possibly slept with them. There’s a big difference. And the fact he’s making you feel guilty over talking to someone else at a party like it’s some major betrayal is…worrying!
I’m going to go ahead and make an assumption. Does he talk about her to you to try and make you feel jealous? Does he tell you how pretty she is?
your self esteem is low, but I’m going to go ahead and say that I think he’s partly to blame for that.
let go of the fact you spoke to someone else at a party. You didn’t do anything wrong and you need to stop being made to feel guilty about it

You need to leave this man. You are still young so don’t waste your precious years on him. Talking to someone even deep conversation is a non issue but he’s made it into one. Don’t fall into this trap.

You're only 25 OP, don't waste these good years striving for something that can never be achieved, which is your idea of perfection 💐