how can i help

[Kat3078]

Hi just reaching out.Ive gone through a rough time. A terrible divorce after living with a narcisist for 17years. I met another ex from the past again a year ago and we have been together. We love each other so much but until the financial settlement doesnt come together we cant buy our own house. So it can be frustrating when we cant spend time together. I have two kids which also makes it harder. We have had some arguments around this but it is a lot better. He is immensly stressed all the time due to his work. I am trying to be a lot more supportive and taken time off my work to help them. I am not sure what else i can do. When im not with him he gets more depressed and will have a drink. Due to the stress he isnt sleeping. Not sure what else i can do to help

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think you should prioritize yourself and your children first . You cannot be held responsible for anyone's drinking. To me it feels like you are sacrificing your work and to a large extent yourself too. You have been through a lot and you need to heal too before helping someone else heal.

I agree, you need to be on your own and focus on your children.

This new man doesn’t sound great OP, there are red flags and you need to take note of them.

As above..make yourself the priority.

Stop your life being surrounded by these dramatic men.
He is immensely stressed and depressed as you say.
You cannot fix that. There is nothing you can DO for that.

I could be wrong but you seem the type to maybe gloss over your own needs and spend all your energy on others problems...which might be left over from your marriage to a narcissist..

Focus on n you. Your time with men does not sound nice or healthy at all.

You have been given the gift of time to rethink moving an alcoholic depressed man into your kid's home.

Be on your own. You do not need this drama in your life, particularly if he is drinking. You also cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

Apart from anything else you need time and space to heal from your marriage; being involved with this stressed and depressed man now won't do that. The very last thing you need at the moment is another man in your life besides which its confusing for the kids. Love your own self for a change.

Out of the chip pan and into the fire by the sounds of it OP. He's stressed, depressed and drinks. This is really not what you need in your life. You need someone stable, calm and together. You've spend 17 years being abused and it doesn't sound like you're ready for another relationship yet, love isn't desperate, anxiety causing and stressful - that's sounding more like dependence to me.

Agree with all PPs who say getting further involved with this man sounds like a big mistake and very much not what you or in particular your children need you to be doing.

This is a man who argues with you about you giving time and attention to your DCs and is now interfering with your job because you have scaled back to help him out.

Sorry, OP, but your children need you to be focused on them and on building a stable life for them. Not getting embroiled with depressive men with drink problems. Check out Women Who Love Too Much. I think it may give you some helpful insights.

When your financial settlement comes through, please don't use it to buy a house with your new man. Dont move your children into a house with a man who is drinking, depressed and stressed... that will really mess them up! Stop taking time off work to mother him and tell him you're not moving in with him until he can prove to you that he's the type of responsible adult role-model your children deserve. Be strong and set good examples for tour children.