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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cutting ties to protect myself - so why do I feel guilty ????!

4 replies

scottishproud · 16/10/2022 09:15

When I had my dc I was treated horrendously by my DM - she refused to visit me in hospital. Begrudgingly had older dc while dh visited me (but my dsis lost her shit and said she didn’t want the dc there for too long as she didn’t want to help me) Refused to help me after. Refused to come to see baby unless my dh collected her and dropped her home at very specific times even though she only lives 5 mins away.

Never asked how I was no texts calls nothing. Yet kept posting on SM all the help she was giving dsis with DN and all their outings together - I was never invited 😞

Growing up I was emotionally abused and dsis was the golden child. Dsis has just had her third and I’ve blocked everyone on everything as I know I’ll be pestered about visiting or helping as I was when she had her other two. It’s like I’m only here when it benefits them so this time I’ve decided that’s it. Why do I feel bad though doing this for myself !!!!! I know it’s the right thing but why do I have these feelings? I feel guilty when I shouldn’t and I feel a sense of loss - for people who really don’t care about me !!! I know they don’t so how do I get my mind to realise and stop making me feel this way I keep thinking ‘maybe if I do help out etc they’ll realise they do like and need me ‘ but i know it’s not true I think I just want it to be true

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 16/10/2022 09:24

I'm sorry.

I'm sure someone will be along with more useful advice. I didn't want to read and run

But I think everything you're feeling is very natural. And I also think you've done the right thing.

Your mum cannot be the support or love that you want. And it will be detrimental to your kids to see the dynamic of not being the golden child/grandchildren.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be made to feel like this by your own parent. How is your dp? Is he supporting you through this? Does he have family or do you have close friends?

Keep the ones closest to you who love and support you. Take care

scottishproud · 16/10/2022 09:26

dontputitthere · 16/10/2022 09:24

I'm sorry.

I'm sure someone will be along with more useful advice. I didn't want to read and run

But I think everything you're feeling is very natural. And I also think you've done the right thing.

Your mum cannot be the support or love that you want. And it will be detrimental to your kids to see the dynamic of not being the golden child/grandchildren.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be made to feel like this by your own parent. How is your dp? Is he supporting you through this? Does he have family or do you have close friends?

Keep the ones closest to you who love and support you. Take care

Thankyou , I know it’s the right thing to do but I’m so sad. For a long long time I kept telling myself if I do help then when needed theyll like me ? So I went out of my way and yet when I need anything they ignore me or on one occasion pretended to be on a week away (I was having a minor op) and it transpired theyd just made it up so didn’t have to help me at all

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 16/10/2022 09:30

YANBU you can't win or earn their love and you shouldn't have to. Concentrate on the people in your life who do love and care for you.

And don't blame yourself. Their behaviour is all about their shortcomings, its (bizarrely) not really about you. "Scapegoat " is a role you've been assigned, it's nothing to do with you as a person.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/10/2022 15:34

You feel guilty & bad because you are still trapped in the FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Don't worry! - the longer you stay away from your unpleasant relatives, the sooner you will start to regain your sense of self & how you should be treated. You have NO need to feel guilty for removing yourself from people who are horrible to you, & none of this is your fault.

Search for the Stately Homes threads round here - full of understanding & resources for people abused within their dysfunctional families - & have a good look round the Out Of The Fog toolbox to get you started on some self-recovery -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

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