Threatened when I say I want to leave so that I stay, feel trapped

[trappedmam]

Unhappy marriage, a lot of arguments and nastiness and I'm just so done. It's soul destroying.

When I say I can't do this anymore and that I want to leave he makes all of these threats about how he will fight for atleast 70% custody, how he's the one with the house and the money, how he knows I've nowhere to go but back to my parents and I've trusted him before with how my dad did used to be violent when we were kids, mostly just smacking when we were very small but there was one severe incident when I was a teenager. My dad and me had a very tense relationship ever since but he's still with my mum so I never went no contact. 20 years has passed and he's been a good granddad and not shown any signs of anything like that. I wouldn't leave them alone together overnight or anything but I don't feel my kids are at risk. Anyway because my husband knows this he's saying he'll tell social services so that I can live there with them. There isn't really anywhere else for me to go so I just end up staying even though it's unhappy.

My parents never split and I wish they had and I don't want my kids to grow up watching a bad relationship but I also don't want to fight through the courts to get the raw end of the deal and have him get majority custody. I feel so trapped

So that I can't live with them*

Other than you telling your partner about the slaps is there a record of it? When was that? In the 70's it wasn't illegal to smack a bottom I don't think.

There are hospital records confirming the injury when I was a teenager but what actually happened isn't on record as the cause was lied about. I'm worried if it played out in court about not being able to lie and what issues it could cause

I'm sorry. He's a shit for using your trauma against you.

Your childhood experiences led you to being with this man now. Your mother had a choice when it came to you as her daughter and she chose for her own reasons to remain with her H who is your violent and perhaps a still volatile father. In doing so she threw you under the bus; she put her own self before you. Both your parents have failed you abjectly.

Getting back to you, you have a choice when it comes to this man; your children do not. Do not do to your kids do what your mother has done here to you. Do not make your kids grow up wondering why you and your H did not split up. If you are sincere in not wanting them to see a bad relationship then separate.

Your H is all hot air and is using the children here as a weapon against you. He knows that they are your achilles heel and he will continue to use them against you after you have divorced too. Abusive men too more often than not bang on about wanting full custody, involving Social Services etc but the truth is they cannot be bothered with their kids going forward so make such threats to keep the woman who they see as a possession, in the hole he has dug for her.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; do not let his utter BS here keep you down. You are being subjected to his coercive control and these days this is a crime that is better recognised. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid, seek legal advice and from that start divorce proceedings; after all knowledge is power.

There are some amazing women on these threads. Hopefully they can advise you.

Is the house all in his name? Did you give up your career to have kids? What work do you / can you do?

Living with your parents wouldn't be ideal anyway. If you had a job and claimed everything you were entitled to and had child maintenance coming in could you rent somewhere?

Would he really want the kids 70% of the time? Are they old enough to be self sufficient or will he need to be there before and after school in which case can he still go to work?

Is he a decent dad? If so he should obviously get a good amount of contact with the kids, maybe even 50% of the time. Would this be ok with you? It would mean you could work a 'proper' job.

On your current situation, can you seperate whilst living together? Can you move into a seperate room, start living a seperate life as much as possible? This would probably mean you'd need to pay your own way and possibly pay him rent but if he doesn't want you to move out I can't see why he'd try to force you out financially.

Whatever you do now your going to have to leave longer term so start planning. Save money, find a job or do some training.

Good luck with it.

He is not a decent man, let alone any sort of a decent father, if he can and does treat you as the mother of his children like this.

Never undergo any form of mediation with him either; it will be a complete waste of time. Again I would urge you to call Womens Aid and also the Rights of Women organisations as they can give some legal advice.

See a solicitor. Do it quietly and without his knowledge. You are married therefore the money and house are (at least) 50% yours. This is law. A solicitor will help you 💐💐💐

See a solicitor OP, get the facts about what's likely to happen if you split instead of taking what your H says as gospel, he has motive for wanting to keep you scared and stuck. Do you have access to money?