Don't know where to turn

[Blueinblackheath]

My husband is a coercive controller. I've known and lived with it for years. My father was the same (my mum died when I was 14), and as a result, I've always felt a bit worthless to be honest. What's worrying me right now are comments from my husband which I feel are totally out of order. A few weeks ago, I took on an extra job to try and ease our dire financial situation. He said that I could make more money charging for oral sex. This was a joke apparently. Last night we were having a conversation about access to women's changing rooms. His comment was that "every man wants to be in a changing room with a teenage girl ". For me, that remark was beyond creepy. Am I wrong?

Your focusing on the 'smaller' issues instead of the big picture - that he is a coercive controller.

Everything he says is designed to elicit some sort of reaction from you. Eg: fear, suffering, anger (so he can then say you 'overreact' or 'can't take a joke).

He is a very dangerous person.
You need to be focusing on getting away from him. Not breaking down his behaviour.
He hates you and means you harm (because of who and what he is). Get out of there.

You need to end your marriage. You know this.

He sounds absolutely depraved and disgusting never mind whether he is coercive and controlling.

have you got kids?

Turn to everyone and evry organisation that can help you get out.

You have value, are are worth something.

The motive of that particular comment is

1. To make you feel disgusted. To shock or humiliate you. His sort like to do that. It gets them off.
2. To convince you that 'all men' are just as bad as him. Managing down your expectations. Making you think a scum ball like him is normal and there isn't better out there.
3. General mysoginy. To reduce a young woman to a sexual object to be leered at by men. I'm combination with other mysoginistic comments, this is designed to 'put you on your place' and deprive you of your worth, on the basis of you being female.

And finally,

1. To test you. To see how you will react. Will you take it? If so, he knows he's succeeding in wearing you down. If not, I an opportunity for him to tell you that your morals and values and boundaries are wrong. To call you someone that can't take q joke or that 'misunderstands'. To.drive.you.crazy.

Seriously op, get him out of there.

Just go.
you are worth more.

Tell us about your situation: work, finances, housing and children. We can help you to find a way out of this.

There is always a way out.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

We run a business together. The house is in his name. If I leave, I'll be homeless and jobless.

The house being in his name doesn't mean he will keep it in the event of a divorce. It's a marital asset so should be split between you. You can do this.

Divorce time then.

Also, id argue its better to be homeless and jobless than broken and soulless. Worst case scenario, women's refuge until you get a divorce. And I hear they can actually be alright places.

Do you have savings? Could you rent somewhere? Or sell something from the home to make money? Or, look for a new job?

There's always a way op. It just may mean hard work and sacrifices.

But there's no greater sacrifice than your soul and your sanity.

If you leave, you will be free.