Kicked him out

[Eliards2012]

I was wondering if anyone could give me some help or advice. I’ve been married to DH for 19years, 3 children together and it’s been up and down and all over the place for as long as I can remember.
I have always taken full responsibility of the kids with him doing very very little in the house or for the kids. However a few years ago it became apparent he had a drinking problem, which has progressed to the point that he is now drinking approx 1litre of spirits per day - and over the past few weeks - he’s been staying with brother and cousin drinking till 3-4am several nights in a row (I know this as his cousins girlfriend has let me know he is at theirs). He cannot go a day without drink, although he only drinks in the evening which in his opinion doesn’t make him alcoholic??? - this excessive drinking, plus the fact that I’ve been left dealing with everything alone with the kids made me snap and last week I woke him up and told him to leave (when the kids were at school) the smell of alcohol in the house made me flip. I refuse to let my children grow up witnessing this and also going weeks on end without even seeing their dad as he has chosen drink over them time and time again. I’ve literally had enough. He hasn’t been home since, which is better for me however there are so many things that need to be sorted. The house is rented and in my name, however I am not working at the moment as I am in my last year of a course so his income was supporting the whole family. I know I need to put in a claim for income support but how can I do this when his name is on everything here and his business is registered here? I just don’t know how to get to the next part - I literally have no money, and I do not want to ask him for anything at the minute because I know he will enjoy the control and try to worm his way back in. He is self employed, and I know the only thing he has left is financial control and he will try to make things very difficult for me. The only thing I have heard from him since I kicked him out is how I’ve turned the kids against him, which is not true in the slightest I have covered for him time and time again, made excuses to the kids, picked up the pieces etc and tried to keep our home a happy place, even though I’m struggling inside. The kids do not know he has even been gone a week as this is totally normal for them and he doesn’t realise that his choices have resulted in the kids not having a bond with him, yet I’m still to blame like everything else that ever goes wrong.

I feel lost and afraid- I’ve spent more than half my life with this man … but I know this is the right option, enough is enough, and I know that even if he could get help with his drinking it would never be enough or last because he is surrounded by other alcoholics, and comes from a culture where every family occasion = alcohol, so it’s never going to change.

Sorry that turned into a huge post, I could just do with some support right now.

Put in a UC claim now, you will be able to get an advance on your first payment within a few days.

He needs to pay maintenance towards the children, if he refuses then put in a claim with CMS.

It won’t always be like this, well done for kicking him out x

I’m glad you made a decision. Do the replies from your post yesterday and the previous one not have any practical advice?

You have made the best possible decision in kicking him out, just please don't allow him back. I'm sorry it's so hard but you will get through this.

I didn’t post yesterday or previously about this - so I’m confused by your post!

Thank you - will it matter that all of his business etc is all registered here I don’t want to end up being accused of fraud or anything? That’s what I’m worried about?

Thank you so much, it is really hard but I just have to get through each day, it’ll just be so much easier when I know where I stand with finances and everything else so we can get on with our lives.

When you apply for UC make sure you apply for the contingency fund. It’s a grant you won’t have to pay back.

No it won’t matter.

He left as of today and isn’t contributing financially. It’s down to him to change the business details.

First things first. Contact utility companies and put those into your name. Read the meters and give them a reading, request water meter be read. He pays the final bill that comes in his name. You pay from now on.

Tenancy is in your name only so that's already sorted. Get council tax in your name if it isn't already and let them know is just you and DC so you get the 25% discount. Explain to landlord husband is alcoholic and you've split, request permission to change the locks then change them. If it's just a Yale lock those are easy to do yourself.

Claim Universal Credit. Ensure Child Benefit is being paid into your bank account not his. Open your own bank account if you don't already have one. If you have a joint bank account with husband remove 50% (I'd take more because of the kid but take at least that) and put it into a bank account in your name only. Tell the bank ofghe joint account that you've split and not to allow an overdraft facility or ask them to freeze the account, whichever. Just don't let him run up debt in joint names.

Put in a Child Maintenance Services claim right away. If you need an address for him, it's wherever he's currently staying.

Go through the home and take photocopies or photographs of any important documents. Pension, savings account, business account paperwork. So he can't hide money and claim it never existed. You'll need this information for the divorce lawyer. Get one of those ASAP.

Put your own paperwork and personal documents somewhere safe. Ditto children's passports etc.

Star boxing up his stuff ready for collection, you don't want him in your home rummaging around. It's your space now and he has no right to be there.

Any post that comes for him you can put back in the postbox with Return To Sender, No Longer At This Address written on it. You don't need to add a stamp. You can just hand him his post or put it through his new home door or write the correct address on it then put it back in the postbox, if you prefer. But if it's debt collection letters or anything you'd prefer not to come through your door in the first place the RTS is your best bet. If necessary you can open post and return the contents with a letter to the company stating he no longer lives there, he/the situation is nothing to do with you and the new address is xyz or you don't know where he lives, as applicable.

He is a functioning alcoholic. And in denial about it. Also sounds like a binge drinker. You're right, he won't change. Congratulations on finally getting rid.

Once he has a place to stay he can have contact with the children if he/they want. If they're old enough they can decline. Every other weekend and one sleepover during the week is usual. He's responsible for collection and drop off.

If he's bothering you by phone, either get a second phone just for him which you can mostly keep switched off and check for messages daily. Or tell him to communicate by email and set up an account just for his emails to come to and check it daily. Your new mantra is: the children are fine, your next contact session is X time on Y date. He doesn't need any further communication from you (unless you want to) regardless of what messages he leaves. Don't get into conversations where he's slagging you off and you're defending yourself. Don't let him take up all your headspace even though he's not physically here with you. Alcoholics are abusive, it's part of it. Safeguard yourself. You'll have a divorce lawyer, communicate through them. He's already claiming parental alienation and he's alcoholic, so accept this isn't going to be an amicable divorce.