Starting a relationship with someone with a troubled past

[Redandwhitestripes]

Hi,

Male,50,
first time poster here, although have read many threads on here over the last year.

I was hoping for some advice or guidance on building a relationship with a woman who has been divorced, and suffered emotional abuse, as well as having ME/chronic fatigue.

Me, 50, single,
career, own house, no kids.

Her, will call her C, 49, no kids, doesn't work now due to ill health but still has plenty to occupy her days.

Will keep it short,
but I met C in March and very quickly became good friends, lots in common and just feeling comfortable with each other. We live about 45 mins drive apart. We WhatsApp everyday and have regular phone calls.

I've stayed over probably 40 times since then on a platonic basis. We spend a lot of time chatting, and im happy to help out in her garden and domestic stuff while there due to her ME. Usually i had the spare room, but in August C invited me to share her bed, cuddling only, which came as a pleasant surprise to me.

On a quiet night out, we both revealed that there were deeper feelings between us and we agreed to take things slowly. Carry on as we are, but try and build something together.

We've progressed to holding hands, lots of being tactile, back rubs, bed cuddles etc. No sex , and only kisses on the lips, , which is what she is comfortable with for now

C has had horrible experiences with narcissistic ex husband and cheating ex boyfriends. I tell her she is beautiful but she finds it hard to accept as she had 20 odd years of being told she is ugly...which she most certainly isn't.

I've definitely fallen for her but she finds it hard to express her feelings, and is very very guarded, understandably, so I'm reticent to push anything until she is comfortable.

I guess what I'm asking is what do I need to do to progress the relationship without pushing her.

I know i need to build up trust and happy to take as long as she wants.

I don't mean sex either that isn't really important.
It's the companionship, and making her feel safe and secure that is what I want to offer.
We just enjoy simple things in life.

Thanks in advance

I'd proceed very carefully.

She needs to take responsibility for herself and undergo therapy.

She needs to stop expecting you to put your hopes and feelings second place to yours.

You should date other women and then decide how good a fit she is for you.

You need an equal. And if you don't want an equal, but a wonder bird, I'd look at that.

Thanks for the replies so far.

I have dated women and this lady is the one . We just get on so well.
But I suppose I want to know how to gain her trust. Is it a case of being patient, and it will happen.
Or has anyone been in this situation, and things never got better

How do you know she is the one; you barely know her even now. Anyone can put on a decent persona to begin with.

She is not the one. You need a partner, not a project. Do not make her your project. You do not progress the relationship because it's really going nowhere.

The thing is, she is not a project for you to fix.

That is on her.
What is she doing to help herself move on?

If she isn't doing anything then she isn't moving forward and will remain the same.

I think you need to be very realistic here.

It is healthy to want to build a future with an equal.

Trying to do this with a broken individual who is not taking steps to heal, will mean the relationship is completely dictated by her and her damaged self worth.

That is not a good basis for a relationship.

You deserve better than that, and while it seems that you want to wait around, that could get very old.

One party of a relationship dictating and dominating the pace is not healthy.

This is not about sex.
For her to want to take things slowly sexually is completely her right.

But if she is very emotionally damaged and not making concerted efforts to heal, I think you could well end up in a half relationship and end up being hurt.

You sound like a lovely man.
Best of luck.

You’ll end up being her cater not an equal partner.

Just be wary of becoming her rescuer.

Why are people being so mean? It sounds lovely and you sound lovely too :-)

I really don't get peoples responses here. Why so harsh? Although, I'm not surprised given my past experiences of posting on here!

OP - I would just let it happen organically. Time will tell. You've clearly progressed since the beginning, so if you're patient enough I'm sure this will work out for the both of you.

She's clearly got a lot going on and has had bad experiences, so it will take her time to trust. Like I said, be patient and go with the flow.

Good luck!

She sounds a nightmare. We've all had things happen in our past. You either learn from it and move on, or you wallow in your misery for the rest of your life.

Honestly, you can devote the rest of your life to "fixing" her but until she wants that, you may as well bang your head against the wall. You sound decent, move on and find your equal. Relationships don't ever work when one is the giver and the other is the taker.

Wow ! Some harsh responses

so you sound lovely and clearly she likes you
but I agree that there has to be

a line in the sand for you re intimacy
some work at her end to heal and be open to intimacy

but also things can happen organically

most importantly you make each other happy

life isn’t perfect and I think we need to grab happiness where we can

we’re all messed up

Wow, people on MN are mean. why is she not his 'equal'? So, she has trust and self-esteem issues relating to a past abusive relationship but he wants to be with her regardless and is asking advice on how he can be part of her future and make her realise she's worthy of more than she's been dealt so far. At no point has he suggested he wants to 'fix' her or become her carer.

However, I do agree with the opinion that she could benefit from some therapy or counselling. Continue to take it slowly, OP, and see if her confidence, self-esteemed and trust grows over time. Maybe tell her you're wiling to give her the space and time to get over her past relationship (maybe a gentle nudge towards the therapy idea?) And when she feels ready, you would love to spend more time getting to know her to see if things could develop between you. There may be a danger that she won't ever work on herself or recover from her abusive past and you may feel it's not the right relationship for you but it's still early days and if you have feelings for this woman, then give it a chance

“I really don't get peoples responses here. Why so harsh? …

OP - I would just let it happen organically. Time will tell. You've clearly progressed since the beginning, so if you're patient enough I'm sure this will work out for the both of you.

She's clearly got a lot going on and has had bad experiences, so it will take her time to trust. Like I said, be patient and go with the flow.

Good luck!”

This.

I think “troubled past” is a bit of a heavy label - when I saw that title, I thought you were going to describe serious addiction problems, trouble with the police, perhaps a spell in prison. Although those are not in themselves reasons to walk away - people deserve a second chance - but that’s what I thought you would be describing. It seems to me that what she has might rather be described as rather heavy baggage. And everyone has a bit of baggage.

It also seems like you get a lot of pleasure from being together and that she is slowly opening up to you. After what she’s been through, it’s natural that she would wish to take things slowly.

Of course you’re entitled to look after your own needs and walk away if it gets too much but it sounds like things are moving gently in the right direction. If it’s what you want, OP, keep doing what you’re doing because it seems to be working.

Are you/have you been a fixer with other people in your life?

Sometimes the attraction of the damsel in distress to the "white knight" lies in you feeling needed, more than love on its own. Perhaps because of insecurity that you're "enough" without that created dependency. Or perhaps for the power dynamic, which often goes awry later when the broken party in the dynamic gets well/gains more independence.

I would sort of take a step back and try to understand what need of yours this is filling and where it's coming from.

Thanks everyone for their replies. Certainly a broad range of opinions.

I never want to fix her, or ever said I did. In fact , she is far more capable than I in so many ways. The chronic fatigue syndrome has been a big setback though.
She has had therapy, and is trying to accept more help from friends in her daily life, but it's not easy to accept.
And in no way is it a one sided thing. Friends and colleagues have said I seem happier these days.

It seems from a number of replies it is being patient, talking, taking things slowly.
I'm happy to do that and enjoy the small moments - grab happiness where you can - someone above said.

I guess anyone who gets to 50 with no baggage is doing pretty well.

@Redandwhitestripes

Absolutely! Stay positive, be patient and enjoy each other. Things can only get better.

If you're happy and she's happy that's wonderful.

I was thinking about this thread today op

im not sure why people responded as they did , but they maybe have their own baggage and triggers

but I’m with ya , happiness comes in many different shapes and forms
and can be elusive

and you clearly gently make each other happy

so hope thread helped