Feel worthless as a single mum

[Singlemum1999]

Me and my ds dad split up 6 months ago after 9 years, I'm 23. I work full time but at the moment but I rely on him for so much. He gives us lifts everywhere, gives me money to help my bills but also has a lot of problems hence why we split. Gambling and drugs to name a few! He's been abusive and cheated on me too.
I've finally met someone he's 26, has an amazing job, his own house and car, no kids. Now I feel like I'm not good enough for him?
It's been going on for just over 2 months, he hasn't met ds, but I feel like I have no choice but to end it because I'm not good enough. I don't see why he would want a single mum on minimum wage. 😭
I'm not close to my family and I know if I persue him my ex will stop all my help if he finds out and also be abusive to me.
New guy constantly reassures me, treats me, he's told me he's falling for me but I feel so trapped right now 😪

You probably feel so bad about yourself because of what you went through with your ex. This doesn't make you bad person, neither does being a single mum on minimum wage. New guy is not dating the mum side of you, your wage means nothing to him. As long as he treats you well and you enjoy yourself please don't end things.
As for the ex, he's not helping you, money towards bills is maintenance, for the child that is 50% his responsibility. If he's giving you lifts to work, shops or appointments that's for the benefit of his child. If he refuses in future, you will find a way to carry on without him,many of us do. Personally, I don't think you need to tell him about the new relationship until you're ready for him to meet DC, his only concern should be his child and while the man you're seeing now has no relationship with that child, it's none of his business. If I was you, I'd be honest with your partner about your ex, just explain your worried he will be vindictive if/when he finds about the two of you.
You're worthy of love and respect. No matter what your ex ever said. You are worthy. Let yourself have it, if it's given to you, take it, don't turn it down, if that's what you want

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of and you are doing amazingly. It’s hard.

new man sounds great BUT I really suggest you work on your self esteem and ability to be more independent before you head into a new relationship.

you need to get free from your ex- he might be helpful but he’s not good for you emotionally by the sounds of it.

unless you have the confidence and trust your own power to be solo you risk not being able to recognise problems in a future relationship.

Consider speaking to a charity like womens aid to see if they can signpost you to free local courses that will help you work on being yourself and self caring before you get serious with anyone else. I honestly think it’s the best thing you will ever do.

Thank you for all the advice. I've spoken to new guy this evening and my issues and he's said he's willing to take it slow and continue just dating until I'm ready.
My ds isn't well this evening either so I've had to cancel plans with him and again he understands.

Think I will just have to work on my self doubt before I do get into a relationship. Thank you for the recommendations of women's aid. I've come from someone who forcibly bought me a gym membership because I went from a size 6 to an 8! Now new guy thinks I'm perfect i struggle with it weirdly enough. 😞

It's very early days and your new 'boyfriend' may not fully appreciate how intense having a young child is and the fact your son will always come first. The canceling of the plans may be one of the many times you do this, how understanding will he be when it's happened more than once? The fact you can't be spontaneous? Or have weekends away? You need to be honest and realistic with your availability. Also think about why you want to introduce your son to your boyfriend, for whose benefit would you be doing it?

*Also think about why you want to introduce your son to your boyfriend, for whose benefit would you be doing it?

Where did she say that?

I've skimmed through her posts twice, have I missed it somewhere?

Op, what you are suffering from is the typical delusion/misunderstanding that what is important for many women in a partner, is the same as what is important for men in a partner.

It is not.

While there are exceptions to every rule, in general men are not really wired to look for a provider. Many (most) don't look at women in terms of what they can provide and how well set up they are.

(If that were the case Mumsnet would not be regularly posted on by frustrated, saddened, stressed women with great careers, their own property, their own car etc. who are single and struggling to meet a partner (with whom a relationship be ones steady, serious etc) and really scared they're not going to meet one in time for a family etc.)

In contrast, men are more wired to look for physical and personality traits they are attracted to and admire. (Not that women don't look for those too but they are generally balanced with provider potential, not so much for most men).

If they are very attracted to her, like her personality and think she's not any of the things that might make their life very difficult (eg total spendthrift, addict of some sort, promiscuous, unstable, extremely selfish, irresponsible etc) .... She's in!

Many men are also prepared to take on kids in the longer term. Especially when it's not large numbers of kids (!)

Don't overthink it. You are a good person, he likes you, he's probably very attracted to you, he probably admires that you are a devoted, responsible Mum and knows that you would be if you two worked out long term and had a child together.

There was a male poster on here who said when he met his wife she was a single Mum of at least 2 kids living in council housing. I'm not sure if she was working or not.... In any case he said that he was very attracted tonger, the feeling seemed mutual, they had great chemistry, got in well/were compatible, had a good sex life when they got to that part etc etc. He said their attraction and sex life was still good years later and he was glad to be with her. I don't think he's an unusual man.

Also you are very young, with a young child and your circumstances now ... Your ability to work, your lack of car ownership etc. can and will change.

Don't be so down on yourself.

As for your abusive ex ..... Definitely don't tell him about your new bf if he will just harass and abuse you about it. It's none of his business.

gives me money to help my bills

On top of child maintenance?

Because he's supposed to pay child maintenance .. and the mandated amount is considered shit/low.

Sorry I've just caught you're on min wage so you must be working.

Well that's another credit to you, as a single, resident parent to a young child.

I'm sure he appreciates you have a work ethic and doesn't really care about your wage ... And knows that at only 23 you have scope to improve it anyway.

Might I also add that some men who are career focused are not be necessarily well disposed to women who are also career focused .... Because they imagine, when kids come along, that something will have to give; and they generally want it to be/think it's more natural that it's the woman who goes parttime or stops altogether, whose career goes on the back burner, they don't want competing careers, high stress, kids being shuttled to daycare etc from 7 to 6, resentment, juggling etc. So don't assume a lack of career or high salary is a disadvantage for every man.

Of course you don't leave yourself dependant on them without marriage so you can be compensated with marital assets and pension if it goes tits up.

Back on your ex ... The one thing I could envisage becoming an issue for your bf is your level of contact with and dependence on your ex.

You're entitled to child maintenance from him. If he wants to help you and his child above that .... Perfectly ok because CM is not considered very adequate. And there are always extra costs with kids.

But his CM and any additional help he gives should not mean he gets to dictate to you, stop you from dating, control your life etc.

Re the lifts, dependence on him for transport .... I would try your utmost to knock that on the head. Because if you keep going out with this new bf (who by the way sounds quality, whereas you ex is NOT) I can imagine he's not going to be particularly comfortable about the level.of contact you have with the ex, and your level of dependence on him for eh transport.

Especially combined with the fact you be hiding your new relationship from ex donhe doesn't kick off.

I think anyone would be uncomfortable if their gf/bf was constantly being driven around by, given lifts etc by their ex.

I would look into all other possibilities to not use him.

Your contact with him should be about arrangements for him to see your child, that's all. (And possibly financial contribution to your child/costs).

Don't be silly op, single mums are brilliant. We rock!

We do the work of two people, usually with good humour. We love and care for our kids, we are strong and determined enough to escape all the abusive nonsense, we often do it without any family support at all.

Be proud of what you have achieved, your dcs will always love you for it. 😊

Just don't rush it with the new guy. It's a bit concerning you talk about finally meeting someone when you were single for less than 4 months. That's no time at all to be single. So take the time you need to deal with your previous relationship and focus on your child. But also have fun with the new bloke and work towards being independent of your ex (not including maintenance obviously but the wider favours spending so much time together)

Men aren't hard wired to prefer personality over provider qualities: it's social conditioning at work: a weaker, more vulnerable woman is easier to manipulate than a financially independent one. She's been single such a short amount of time, it's no time at all to process anything properly at all.

The problem I have with maintenance is my ds dad doesn't consistently work, he's self employed but usually gambles it away and then when he wins I get extra money off him as and when he can. His family are well off so he relies on them a lot for example they bought him a brand new family car when we had our son.

I've always worked thankfully so have my own income which is why I didn't think twice about making him leave, even though he left about 4 times before that, this is the first time I've stuck to it.

Definitely not thinking of a serious relationship any time soon just dating, it may not even get to that stage its just hard to have the confidence, I have to rely on lifts off ex as he insisted ds went to a certain school, although he's late every morning especially when he's been at casino or party night before. I need to sort it out and find a resolution, it's just hard to see past it at the moment without being in fear.

What's the rush to be dating ?

Why don't you spend time with your child
And
Study or start a hobby, learn something new ?

What's wrong with giving yourself time to think & learn ?

A lot of single mums are resentful for being single so they magically find someone 'amazing' really soon after finishing one relationship.

You are young. You made a decision for yourself and your child that many women don't feel able to - this forum is full of them.

You work full time and you support your child.

You are anything but 'worthless'.

I understand the feeling though. I've become a single parent twice. And no one has ever said anything to me other than how strong I am. Even my children say it.

Your child will thank you for your strength and bravery when they are older.

I agree that aye you're not yet it the right place for a new relationship - you've recently come out of a long and difficult relationship and owe it to yourself to become content with who you are and to build a life for yourself. But don't ever doubt your worth.

Singlemum1999

wow your ex really did a number in your self esteem

you are a single mum , caring for a child and working

I started to love myself way too late in life
so it’s so easy to say you should too …..
but you should !
im sure your new fella adores you

also taking it slow is fine , no one needs to settle
down and get serious at 23

your ex doesn’t need to know anything
keep him at arms length

and agree that womens aid have some very empowering advice

If nothing else keep reading here and research family law

if he insists on a certain school and ‘boom’ is late every day
you track it
then you change school
he has NO recourse

don’t be scared of a mummy and daddy’s boy who’s a gambler
he’s a ducking tool

@xfan - I think they actually are programmed, from an evolutionary viewpoint, to be attracted to women who appear fertile and healthy and who have personality characteristics that will be helpful when bringing up young (being nurturing and kind for example)

scholar.utc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1216&context=mps

There’s one I’ve just pulled up for you @xfan - there are lots of studies about mate value.

Anyway OP, I agree with @LemonDrop22 . You only have one DC.

If you want to be in a relationship then be in one, when you feel you want to be, based on how you feel the relationship is - that is on your timeline not anyone else’s. There is a lot of judging about how women with DC should “concentrate on their DC”, as if wanting to have a sexual and romantic relationship makes me selfish or “bad” at being a mother. It doesn’t.

Having a life that feels good to you, and arelationship, is okay. A healthy relationship sets a better example to DC than martyring it forever because “putting my child first” while judging other mothers for “introducing a new partner too soon”. It’s all nonsense.

Learning not to rely on your ex will help you though, even if you need to start asking others for help when you feel uncomfortable with it, or making a new support network.

Introducing a partner to your dc could very well be detrimental just take a look at the threads on here about random men in and out of dc's lives. Dangerous even. Vulnerable women usually make poor choices.

Your handful of studies aren't the only reason why men behave the way they do. Not everything is down to evolutionary development, biology, many behaviours are socially nurtured dependent on the culture you grew up and were socialised in.

I really don't want people to think the point of this thread is that I want to introduce my ds to new guy or him to have a new dad. Its more about myself not feeling good enough to even go on dates with this guy. I wouldn't dream of him meeting Ds yet. He once bought my Ds a magazine when he bought me a bunch of flowers to a date but that's it.

I spoke to ex's mum today about his behaviour, all she ever says is 'oh I know' and changes subject. I'm lucky that the duties he offloads she often has to pick up. He is meant to have him on a Saturday afternoon overnight for me to either 1. Work or if I'm not then obviously I socialise, but he usually leaves him with his parents and they drop back to me Sunday mid morning.

My Ds will always come first as he is all I have. I suppose it is nice when someone shows an interest in me but I am a very guarded person for obvious reasons

If you have been with your ex since 14 he has imprinted you with an idea of what relationships and men are like. You had to deal with abuse and manipulation and so when a man treats you kindly you don’t really know what to do with yourself. Your ex has ruined your self-confidence so that you don’t feel good enough.

I would suggest you take The Freedom Program which helps women in your situation understand what happened (is happening) in your relationship and build back a sense of confidence and boundaries. You are definitely worth a happy, safe and loving relationship. Don’t let your emotional confusion self-sabotage. Here is the link

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk