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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been mean to DH, don't know how to move on

15 replies

TwistedMe · 26/01/2008 23:22

Please don't attack me, I know I'm in the wrong.

Basically DH took up karate a few months ago. He'd been wanting to do it for years and I finally pursuaded him to go. Anyway he loved it, started training 4 nights a week and bought all the gear and everything.

Think is he became really obsessed with it, went on about it constantly, was always looking up videos on youtube, posting on karate forums, reading karate websites...then he started going on about a holiday to japan where he could learn more about it and perhaps join in with a japanese class.

It started to get on my nerves a bit, he was coming across as being really childish getting so obsessed and I found the whole thing a real turn off. He was like a kid that had just discovered a new toy. It was boring.

One night after hearing him go on and on and on about it I "accidently" burnt his suit with a cigerette. As soon as I'd done it I felt guilty and apologised to him and said I'd buy a new one and he was fine with it, just said accidents happen etc and said he'd order a new one. He took it so well and was so calm it just annoyed me even more. Its like NOTHING bothers him anymore but if he was to miss a training session he would probably be in tears

Anyway we had a couple of friends over tonight and he started on about the karate again and I started to take the piss out of him a bit and told everyone that he was hoping to jet off to Japan and follow his black belt dreams. Everyone was in hysterics and started calling him grand master flash and one of the blokes got him in a headlock and threw him on the floor for a laugh. DH was laughing too but rather awkwardlybut everyone else was in hysterics.

Anyway since they left DH has been really quiet. I've apologised to him and he just said "its fine" but he's folded his karate suit up and put it in the wardrobe when usually he leaves it out for tomorow morning.

I want to make it up to him but at the same time I want him to tone it down a bit so we can go back to the way we were, not having his new hobby constantly between us.

Has anyone else had any similar experiences of this and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Scramble · 26/01/2008 23:25

Sorry but I would say you both need to grow up, but then I am a newly single mum who now realise how important it is to remember the big picture and what it is all about, don't get caught up in silly little things.

Original poster
TwistedMe · 26/01/2008 23:38

I know what you mean, he is a great man in other respects, just he gets obsessed with stuff really easily and when he does he wants to talk about nothing else and it wears me down. I always end up wishing I could be with someone more interesting

OP posts:
bookwormmum · 26/01/2008 23:40

why don't you get a hobby and bore him with it?

Scramble · 26/01/2008 23:41

I suppose thats what love is all about, its easy to love someone when they are interesting, exciting and sexy, harder to love them when they are boring, dull and as sexy as a wet teabag.

He is acting like a big kid getting so into something like that, but a childish reaction is only going to make him worse however he reacts.

Time to draw a line under it I think, you may have to discuss why you feel the way you do, and all that, guys aren't so good at that though and likely to take it all to heart as we do when guys say the wrong thing about our new dress or shoes.

We are all big kids really .

bookwormmum · 26/01/2008 23:41

Having said that, his ambitions to get a blackbelt (bloody hard IMO) in Japan shouldn't be mocked.... ambitions should never be mocked. Just my personal POV though.

AnneMayesR · 26/01/2008 23:43

Sorry but that was just mean, even if he was being annoying. I think you owe him one. Just my 2 cents.

KatyMac · 26/01/2008 23:45

Can you find d=something Karate -ish a competition or a display & buy him a ticket?

That'll show him support

cosima · 26/01/2008 23:46

partners should encourage each other to grow, I know its easier said than done and sometimes we slip up and you know this cos you acknowledge that you've been mean, and you don't like it. You say you wish you could be with someone more interesting and he is doing something on his own to broaden his horizons. are you feeling a little jealous/left out? . I agree with other poster, find yourself a hobbie, but also don't be too hard on yourself and remember that good things and bad things happen to people at different times, and sometime it will be your turn to have a new passion.HTH

Fireflyfairy2 · 26/01/2008 23:47

I think you made fun of him tonight in front of so called friends & that wasn't fair.

You made him look small & dumbed down his ambitions, you shouldn't have done that.

Personally I would be proud of a dh who took a hobby seriously enough to want to ask questions & learn more etc..

fwiw my dh has started going to the gym/healthy eating etc... I love the fact that he talks to me about his gym visits, his curcuit classes etc...

Fireflyfairy2 · 26/01/2008 23:47

Actually, it sounds as if you are jealous of the fact he gives so much attention to his hobby.

colditz · 26/01/2008 23:50

Ok, you know that what you8 have done is petty and spiteful, and I think that a lot of support for his hobby is going to be needed from now on. You also need to make a big apology. Like, a farking massive one.

You need to sit him down and make it clear that you are very proud of him, and that had you known a tease from you would result in your 'friends' behaving so twattishly, you would never have said a word.

branflake81 · 01/02/2008 12:19

I'm sorry, but your post made me laugh.

CountessDracula · 01/02/2008 12:52

have you actually told him that you think his hobby is getting a bit all consuming?

Sounds like you are jealous

Why don't you join in? I think karate sounds like fun!

Or do something for yourself

bellabelly · 01/02/2008 13:01

I agree it sounds like jealousy. I used to get jealous if my DH spent too much time on his computer games. Would never have admitted it to him but thought he should want to spend more time with me... 4 nights a week sounds like quite a lot - could you try talking to him and see if he could maybe just drop one or two nights and do something fun with you instead? Or you do something YOU want to do while he is out?

BearMama · 01/02/2008 16:42

This strikes a chord with me as I used to be with someone - an artist - who singlemindedly pursued his dream to go to Japan and do woodcuts. The amount of time he devoted to it, taking Japanese lessons, TEFL courses and so on really grated. So I can empathise with you. I used to bitch about him and say terrible things to my friends behind his back. But we were really NOT compatible.
Depending on the kind of person he is, he will get over it on his own or you can help by clearing the air.

If it were me I would sit him down and say "I'm sorry, I've been an arse. I've been feeling neglected and instead of talking about it like an adult I took it out on you. It was shitty and I'm sorry. I hope we can get past this."

With any luck that might open a door to talking about it. I know these things arent easy and it might open a can of worms but maybe something to think about? HTH

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