Dilemma with children

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 15/10/2022 10:48

This is what I’d do but I’m not saying it’s the right thing for everyone.
Youre the adult, they’re the children, what you say goes.
Two boys sharing , if there’s no other way sorry you’ll just have to put up with sharing.
Older ones — sit at the table, state your gripe. You decide what happens.
Have daily jobs for everyone, doesn’t have to be much but it helps to pull them together.
Family evening, movie night, curry night, popcorn night, whatever you all like. Once a week.
They live together, they have to make an effort to get on together. I’d go into military management mode as above.

Aprilx · 15/10/2022 10:52

Your other three children don’t get a say in whether their brother should be living there or not. Good lord I am one of four myself and I didn’t particularly get along with the oldest, but never would I have told my mother than she needed to move out and even if I had I would have got pretty short shrift. Stop tolerating that, children sometimes have to share bedrooms, it is a normal part of life.

I think you need to reconsider your rules too, telling a 16 year old that they have to be in by 9pm seems over the top to me and likely to lead to rebellion, as indeed it did.

Notaboutthebass · 15/10/2022 10:57

Why were the police involved?

layladomino · 15/10/2022 13:06

He is still a child and your home is his home, as much as it is his younger siblings. It's worrying that your other children think they are entitled to an opinion on that. Is there any chance he feels ganged up on or 'other' and left out?

I would worry that he doesn't feel a part of the family or as important as his siblings and would be doing everything I could to show him he is an important part of the family and very much loved.

Siblings not liking sharing a room is normal. Siblings getting angry and expecting you to throw out a 16 year old is far from normal and I'd be questionning their entitlement or feeling of superiority over him.

badassbaby · 15/10/2022 13:21

Norwichgirl374 · 15/10/2022 09:30

Hi I'm looking for advice.
My 16 year old son left home because I told him to be home by 9 on a night he has collage. He moved in with his girlfriend who lived down the road but she's a manic depressive and Had to have my son with her at all times. He let his job go wasn't turning up for collage. The police got involved and told him to return home as there is no safety concerns. He chose not to and tried to say I was mental. Anyway I allowed him to stay but said he had to stand on his own 2 feet if he was chosong this path. Anyway fast forward 4 weeks and they've split and he's come home but my other 3 kids are not happy about him coming home. My younger boy isn't happy because he now has to share a room again and my oldest daughter is not happy because it brings arguments between them. I'm lost as to what to do. He's my son from my first relashionship and his dad walked away so he only has me. I'm happy he's returned but at the cost of the other 3 being sad and angry and both me and there brother. I don't no what to do and any advice would be appreciated

Well it's tough shit isn't it?
The other 3 can moan all they like, but he's your son and he's 16 - they will just have to suck it up!

OhCobblers · 15/10/2022 13:28

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 15/10/2022 10:48

This is what I’d do but I’m not saying it’s the right thing for everyone.
Youre the adult, they’re the children, what you say goes.
Two boys sharing , if there’s no other way sorry you’ll just have to put up with sharing.
Older ones — sit at the table, state your gripe. You decide what happens.
Have daily jobs for everyone, doesn’t have to be much but it helps to pull them together.
Family evening, movie night, curry night, popcorn night, whatever you all like. Once a week.
They live together, they have to make an effort to get on together. I’d go into military management mode as above.

Absolutely this.

And to emphasise they are ALL children and you are the adult so as a pp said you are in charge. Good luck OP xx

DosCervezas · 15/10/2022 13:28

Siblings argue, you don't reject one from the family home because other children say so. 16is a very,very young age to be expected to live independently and I don't know many who could support themselves practically, emotionally or financially. The others shouldn't have a choice, it's his home too.

Worthyornot · 15/10/2022 13:35

You sit them down and make some house rules. Your 16yo isn't anywhere close to an adult so this nonsense of running to a girlfriend needs to stop. He also needs some respect and responsibility towards his education. The other 3 don't want him there presumably because he's disruptive and problematic. There needs to be consequences for everyone.

Cleotolstoy · 15/10/2022 14:41

He's still a child and won't have the brain for adult stuff for another 9 years. He's as much one of your children as your others. Don't set up a toxic dynamic where he is sub standard in the family because of age/DNA. Is the dad of the other three about? Has he been suggesting he shouldn't live with you?

ScrollingLeaves · 15/10/2022 19:47

You let him home!
How can you not know this.

Original poster

Norwichgirl374 · 16/10/2022 00:27

ScrollingLeaves · 15/10/2022 19:47

You let him home!
How can you not know this.

I do no this. Its more of a question how I handle it with the other 3. There's no way I'd not take my son back in I'm his mother. I meant how do I deal with the other kids. As iv sat them down and told them he's coming back and that's the end of it but my daughter now gives me alot of lip. I would never turn back on any of my children

OP posts:

Original poster

Norwichgirl374 · 16/10/2022 00:30

Aprilx · 15/10/2022 10:52

Your other three children don’t get a say in whether their brother should be living there or not. Good lord I am one of four myself and I didn’t particularly get along with the oldest, but never would I have told my mother than she needed to move out and even if I had I would have got pretty short shrift. Stop tolerating that, children sometimes have to share bedrooms, it is a normal part of life.

I think you need to reconsider your rules too, telling a 16 year old that they have to be in by 9pm seems over the top to me and likely to lead to rebellion, as indeed it did.

Just to clarify. He had to be in by 9 as the previous night he hadn't come home at all and skipped collage. It's not my normal rules it was the consequences of his actions prior.

OP posts:

DoodlePug · 16/10/2022 00:39

The others had a while without him and liked it and now are upset he's back.

You need to empathise with them. See the world through their eyes, see how their world improved for a while then deteriorated a little again. Understand how they feel and make sure they know you understand.

Then explain that you are his mum, this is his home, this is where he lives.

See if any of the objections brought up can be remedied. Is there anyway to better partition the boys room? Are the disagreements between him and dd new things or old, how can they be resolved!?

You can use his moving back in as a time to set sone new rules without looking like you're suddenly changing things for no reason, it's an opportunity!

cultkid · 16/10/2022 00:52

He comes home obviously

Do not allow them to alienate him because he isn't fully biologically related to them

Don't make him feel like he isn't secure with you

Love him and support him through this so he stays close.

It's very simple with the other kids

"Don't even try it. I am the boss. What I say, goes. Everyone be kind to each other"

Sweettea89 · 16/10/2022 01:01

Firstly have a heart to heart with your son and understand his viewpoint, he's 16 and will make silly decisions then add your view on:

What happens if he gets back with her and leaves again?
Job and college expectations

With the family unit;

No animosity between each other
More family time to reconnect
Your the parent, your rules.

Dmbp · 25/02/2023 12:01

Hi,
I need help please. I'm a mum of a 16 year old son. He screamed at me and walked out the house after I tried to have a conversation with him about balance between study and play. This was after parent teachers eve where they advised he needs to do more in free time as A level is intense and he will get left behind if he doesn't. He completely acted out of character! Started shouting and screaming and violently threw his laptop and phone at me.

After he walked out, he called social services and told them what i can only imagine to be some awful untrue things. He is staying with a 'friend" that I have never met or even heard him speak of. Friends mum has made no attempt to contact me. School has classed him as a vulnerable adult . No one will talk to me and tell me what hes saying for me to understand or even say as a parent what happened. They are all treating me like someone he needs to be protected from 💔💔😢😢
I'm beyond heart broken. I'm shocked as we were always close, and he was till now a respectful polite young man. I am totally in a state of shock at the fact he would lie about me. All I know from social services is that he feels unsafe to come home. Unsafe? I'm his mum and I've dedicated my life to loving him and providing for him. He's surrounded by love, as an only child and only grandchild he's the centre of our worlds. What's happened? Is he on drugs? Is he being influenced? I get 16 going on 17 is a difficult age, but how did it get to this from a calm conversation about balance?

This is the hardest most painful experience of my life, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm anxious beyond measure, I'm not sleeping, can't focus, constantly trying to get my head around why this is happening, whats going on with him. How did i miss something? I'm worried about him and what he is being exposed to where ever he is.

He won't come home, it's been nearly 2 weeks. he blocks everyones calls and doesnt respond to messages. When I started trying to look at what I can do to get him home I read he can move out at 16??!! However I would still have legal responsibility.

I don't understand what this means in reality? If he won't come home and I have no idea where he is living, how can I have legal responsibility for him?

But if something happens to him how can I be responsible?

I'm sorry to babble my heads all over the place. Any advice would be appreciated 🙏🏽

Dery · 25/02/2023 12:06

OP - that sounds very difficult but you need to start your own thread. People won’t reply to you on this one - they will focus on the OP (whose posts in green for everyone).

Dmbp · 25/02/2023 12:06

Sorry I've never been on mumsnet before and meant to create a post.... it looks like I've posted on an existing topic. Xx

GrumpyPanda · 25/02/2023 12:06

@Dmbp you need to make your own thread. People won't notice your post at the end of this discussion, they'll just reply to the original outdated post.

Best of luck, sounds like a horrendous situation.